2009 American Music Awards -- minute by minute: Will Michael Jackson win Best Artist?
Here we are gang! Time for the
While we wait for the awards to start, check out our gallery of the red carpet. There are some hits and misses there for sure.
7:55 -- What does anybody think of "Find My Family?" I feel like ABC will eventually find a way to combine that with "Extreme Makeover" and no one's tear ducts will be safe.
8:00 -- The show is opening with an eight-minute Janet Jackson medley. I certainly hope it's better than Taylor Swift's yowling at the CMA awards.
8:08 -- The medley includes all the oldies-but-goodies: "Control," "What Have You Done for Me Lately?," "Miss You Much," "If I Was Your Girl," "Let's Dance," "Together Again." I'm flashing back to a Janet medley we danced to for Poms in high school. Her choreography is the BEST. I don't for a minute think she's singing live, but girlfriend can still bust a serious move. Video here.
8:09 -- Paula Abdul presents Best Pop/Rock Group. She's almost totally coherent, too. I'm rooting for Kings of Leon. Hey, who knew Nickelback was still doing stuff?
8:11 -- The Black Eyed Peas win, probably due to the fact that "I Gotta Feeling" is EVERYWHERE. Seriously, it's haunting my dreams. C'mon Fergie, give a shout-out to the drug-problem-causing "Kids Incorporated." C'mon.
8:15 -- Kristen Bell and Jason Aldean present the Best Country Group. Go Zac Brown Band! They kept losing on the CMAs.
8:16 -- Rascal Flatts wins, for the fourth year in a row. Geez, guys. Stop being so awesome and let somebody else have a turn. They weirdly thank their accountants and complain about being taxed. Huh?
8:17 -- Pete Wentz introduces Daughtry. Crazy Eyes is nowhere to be seen.
8:20 -- Daughtry does a nice job on "Life After You." I'd never really listened to that song before but I like it.
8:21 -- Shakira performs "Give it Up to Me" with some clog dancers. Did she just say something about "Wayne's World?" I think they would give Shakira a resounding, "Schaaa-wing!"
8:29 -- Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara introduce Keith Urban performing "Kiss a Girl." That's the song he's doing? Oh, there is totally a rape joke in there. That's just lazy writing.
8:33 -- Reba McEntire introduces Kelly Clarkson singing "Already Gone." Where's Reba's lover Andy Samberg?
8:35 -- Wait, this isn't the Eagles' song? Bah.
8:42 -- Snoop Dogg and the reanimated corpse of Joe Perry are presenting Best Female Pop/Rock. They make a pot joke. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about, writers.
8:44 -- Taylor Swift says thank you from London. They SAY it's because she's rehearsing for a show. Yeah, right. She beat out Beyonce; Kanye can't get her all the way over there.
8:45 -- Why is that drag queen introducing Jay-Z and Alicia Keys singing "Empire State of Mind?"
8:49 -- This song is just begging for a mash-up with "New York State of Mind." Mercedes, Puck and Finn would just kill that number. Make it happen, "Glee!"
8:50 -- Christian Slater presents the award for Best Alternative Group to Green Day. Is "the forgotten" still on the air? Is that why Slater's there?
8:58 -- Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson introduce the Black Eyed Peas. Um, I'd like to put out a BOLO on Kate Hudson's boobs.
9:02 -- My brain thanks the Peas for not doing "I Gotta Feeling." My ears do not thank Fergie's live singing, which is a little rough.
9:05 -- Selena Gomez and Orianthi present Best Soul/R&B artist to Michael Jackson. The first of probably five wins tonight. His brother Jermaine accepts the award, along with his kids Jaafar and Jermajesty. Jermajesty? Are you kidding me with this? Like "your majesty" mashed up with "Jermaine?" That family is SO WEIRD.
9:12 -- The Zac Brown Band presents Best Male Country Artist to Keith Urban. He and Nicole Kidman are so cute. We're so glad she got rid of that shortie who scares bulls.
9:14 -- Kris Allen and Demi Lovato present Best Female Soul/R&B Artist to Beyonce. Finally! Something Taylor Swift can't beat her at!
9:15 -- Ne-Yo introduces Rihanna performing "Wait Your Turn." Rihanna's shoulder pads make her look like the lost member of the Legion of Doom.
9:25 -- Rascal Flatts introduces Carrie Underwood performing "Cowboy Casanova." Shhh, everybody quiet. I must watch Carrie now.
9:27 -- Carrie appears to have trotted out another pair of shiny granny panties. We approve.
9:30 -- Now THAT is how you wail live, ladies and gentlemen. Well done, Carrie.
9:31 -- Lady Gaga performs "Bad Romance" and "Speechless." Um, did anybody else think at first that Lady Gaga was topless? Just me?
9:42: Mary J. Blige sings "I Am." It's too bad Lil' Rounds didn't turn out to be better, she could've cameoed.
9:45 -- Colbie Callait presents Breakthrough Artist to Gloriana, a country group. I'm surprised they beat out Lady Gaga. The award is a giant shill for T-Mobile. Pretty soon there won't even be awards shows, just iPhone updates.
9:48 -- J-Lo performs "Louboutins" from "Love?" It's the debut of the song and there's a... boxing theme? She keeps saying "part-time lover," which unfortunately does NOT make me think of Stevie Wonder so much as Kevin Covais. *shudder*
9:58 -- Samuel L. Jackson gives the International Artist of the Year award to Whitney Houston. Not that I don't love her new stuff, but man, was Whitney's 80s/early 90s stuff GOOD. I didn't like the movie "The Bodyguard," but that soundtrack was epic.
10:00 -- Whitney performs "I Didn't Know My Own Strength," looking just a dish in a beautiful white dress. It's an emotional performance and good for her. Her acceptance speech is lovely.
10:06 -- The announcer says coming up the award for Best Artist competition "heats up." Like Taylor, Eminem, Gaga, Kings of Leon and MJ's ghost are backstage wrestling or something. Come to think of it... I'd pay good money to see that.
10:11 -- Carrie Ann Inaba and Leona Lewis present Best Country Female Artist to Taylor Swift, who once again is all excited from London. Man, it's like 3 am there. Shouldn't she be in bed?
10:13 -- Melissa Ethridge presents Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist to Michael Jackson, who becomes the all-time AMA winner. Jermaine is back for the thank-you speech, but this time he leaves Jerwelcome and Jercrazy in the audience.
10:16 -- Alicia Keys performs "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart," while wearing what looks like a jacket made of gold chains and sleigh bells. Hmmm.
10:25 -- Seth Green introduces Eminem and 50 Cent, while kind-of channeling Kenny from "Can't Hardly Wait." You know, it's good to see Eminem is not an overweight hermit anymore; apparently, Val Kilmer has taken up that particular mantle. Whither Iceman, Val? Whither Iceman?
10:28 -- My sound keeps cutting out. Is that a Slingbox problem or is there just THAT much profanity in this song?
10:30 -- Timbaland performs "Morning After Dark" with SoShy and Nelly Furtado. Wait... THIS is the group that does "Who Says You Can't Go Home" with Bon Jovi? Huh. They sound really different on the radio.
10:39 -- Morena Baccarin and Dominic Monaghan introduce Green Day performing "21 Guns." Watch out, Dom. She's a robot.
10:40 -- Y'all know this is Neil Young's "Heart of Gold" with different lyrics, right?
10:44 -- Toni Braxton and Keri Hilson present Best Rap/Hip-hop Male to Jay-Z. He thanks Alicia Keys, which is nice, but wears sunglasses like he's Ray Charles.
10:50 -- Ryan Seacrest is here to present the award for Best Artist. Can anybody beat out Michael Jackson? Probably not.
10:52 -- TAYLOR SWIFT WINS BEST ARTIST! Holy crap. She won all 5 awards she was nominated for. It's probably best she's in London because if the Beyonce slight got Kanye going, this MJ slight probably has him storming the stage with a torch and a pitchfork.
10:54 -- Adam Lambert performs "For Your Entertainment" and it's very hard to hear him over the background music. That's disappinting. The performance has a wonderful S&M theme going on... and then some faux... um... oral pleasure. My stars and garters.
10:57 -- Adam wails his little heart out and then Ryan Seacrest says good night. We find out during the credits that "Twilight" won Best Soundtrack. I'm surprised they didn't present that award live. I'm sure they could've gotten someone from the movies to show up.
Thanks for joining me, guys! This was fun. I'm looking forward to the next awards show I can live blog!
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AMA red carpet gallery
Janet Jackson's good-not-great opening
Photo credit: WireImage, Getty, The CW, USA