'90210': Jackie Taylor is at it again

Shenaegrimes_90210_240 I would recap the last episode of 90210 for you, fair readers, but there was so much damn information crammed into it that my recap would be 5000 words. So instead, we join the Wilson family at breakfast. The kids are running out the door, the dad has a meeting and poor mom is left sitting there with her toast and bananas. Poor Aunt Becky.

At school, Ethan tries to talk to Naomi but she is having none of it. Kelly notices SIlver looks "run down," and then flirts with Mr. Mathews a little (Kelly, not Silver). He asks her out very smoothly. Nice. At lunch, Navid (not David, sorry) invites the lacrosse guys to screen a film at his place (not a porn film, the new Bond movie) and takes a seat with them. Later in the day, Ty the hunky singer asks Annie out again and my head spins around from all the scenes we just saw. I feel like Mama Wilson from breakfast. Speaking of Mama Wilson, she suggests the family go bowling together because they don't see each other anymore. Annie and Dixon balk but the parents insist on Family Night, instead of date with Ty or Bond film screening. In a shady part of town (I can tell because of the low lighting), Silver visits a women's shelter. DUN DUN DUN.

We find out Silver is trying to get into the women's shelter because she doesn't want to stay at home. Yikes. Naomi and Naomettes make plans to go to Vegas for a concert her father is organizing. Mr. Mathews charms the pants off Kelly (not literally) by telling her he works with kids at juvenile hall most days after school. They cement their dinner plans. Awww. Silver wanders over as he walks away and says, "School is weird enough without my sister bangin' the teacher." Snerk. Silver rocks. She wants to spend the night at Kelly's, but Kelly begs off.

Ethan talks to Annie and seems glad that she doesn't have a date with Ty, but instead has family night. Ty wanders over and Ethan stutters and leaves (AWK-WARD). Annie and Ty hatch a plan for him to "stop by" the bowling alley on his way to the pier and get her. Navid and Dixon hatch a similar plan. I think I saw this on an episode of Three's Company once... Silver is in the parking lot and flirts with Dixon and he invites her to bowling night, which is adorable.

The Clarks show up at school and Mr. Clark bails on his plans with Naomi (did you know 'Naomi' is "I moan' backwards), but makes it up to her with a freakin' car. She seems less than thrilled.  We get it... spoiled little rich girl has a BIG HEART and just wants her FATHER'S LOVE and blahblahblah, I drive a 2001 Chevy Prism cry me a river, I moan.

At the Wacky Family Bowling Night, Silver shows up and ANnie freaks because she invited Ty and their parents are gonna freak. Oh, those Wilson scamps! On Kelly and Ryan's date, they talk about him meeting Sammy and Kelly hints that she and his father had a lot of history in high school and were on the outs, then hooked up 4 years ago. Oh my god, is it Dylan's? Brandon's? Steve's? I love the suspense. She says he doesn't want to be in Sammy's life, which leads me to believe he's NOT Brandon's because I think Brandon would step up, plus Brenda didn't act like Sammy was her nephew.

Back at the Bowl-o-Rama, Mama Wilson frets while her pink top lights up under the blacklight. Haha. SHe talks to Silver and Silver is jealous of them having a mom who gives a crap. Aww. Hug her, Mama Wilson! Ty still hasn't shown up for Annie, but the guys are there for the Bond Movie Screening. Ethan says he'll step in and play awhile, "take one for the team," so they can leave soon. Smooth, Ethan. Smooth.

So now we have the Wilsons, SIlver, Navid and Ethan having a pg-rated, wholesome good time at Bowling Night. It's actually so cute I want to vomit. Where's the drug problems and sexual assaults and DUIs of 90210 of old? Laaame. Ethan gets in some primo flirting with Annie when he asks her to "get some air." Who thinks Ty is going to show up when they're outside? [Andrea raises her hand]

Naomi and one of the Naomettes drive in the new car and Naomi is obviously put out about her new car and daddy issues. They are stopping by dad's office before heading to bowling night. Hmm, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. Outside bowling night, Annie and Ethan bonding over family problems and Ethan gets a great crack in about him being the next Spencer on The Hills. My worlds are colliding!!!

Then Ty shows up. No way! Did NOT see that one coming. Annie obviously doesn't want to leave Ethan, but she does and he looks sad. Poor sad Ethan. Naomi, at her dad's office, sees her father leaving work and kissing a woman who is NOT her mother. Ouch.

Annie and Ty go on their date and I have to say, as far as cute milquetoast boys go, Ethan wins in a landslide over Ty. Annie and Dixon are let loose by their parents and head out, aww. Cool parents. Except Mama Wilson looks troubled still.

Naomi is crying and freaking out and her Naomette runs to get Ethan, who has just coincidentally bumped into Ty and Annie. The Naomette spills the news to all 3 of them (way to go, dummy) and Ty gets left behind. Ethan goes to comfort Naomi in the parking lot, which is so deliciously ironic. He hugs her and Annie sees, but gets left behind. Man, they're a regular Romeo & Juliet. Ty has now left the Bowl-o-Rama, so Annie and Silver head to the Bond movie screening.

Back at the Wilson Compound, the parents laugh that their kids thought they didn't know they invited all their friends to bowling night. Mama Wilson laments the fact that she thought they were cool but the kids still don't want to hang out. Well, that's kinda how it goes, Mama Wilson. They laugh about having another baby, but maybe getting another puppy. Snerk. They're adorable together. Who needs Mitzi Kapture when you have Lori Laughlin?

Kelly and Ryan hang out in his car, saying goodnight. He kind of rambles along for awhile about whether they are dating and she says they are "colleagues, hangin' out." Then he kisses her, yay! Back at the Wilsons, the kids get home and Silver takes off, lying about having talked to her mom already. She casts a longing glance at the happy Wilsons as she leaves. Later, Dixon takes the garbage out and sees her sleeping in her car outside the house. Ruh roh.

Dixon and Silver hang out outside and she spills her guts about staying at the local women's shelter for a few weeks because of her mom's drinking problem. Well, at least she isn't coked out of her mind and ruining your mother-daughter fashion show, huh? Dixon hugs her. Naomi slinks into her parents' room and gets into bed with her mom, looking sad. Awww.

Dixon says they have to tell his dad about Silver's problem. She of course balks and tries to run away. Dixon tells her he didn't grow up with "the Cosby family." He grew up in a bad situation too and he wants her to trust his dad, or at least trust Dixon. He takes her inside and they talk to the Wilsons. She's staying as long as it takes to figure stuff out. Aww, they really ARE the Walshes.

The next day, Kelly is over at the Wilsons getting filled in on the situation and knows she needs to talk to her mom about it. At the Clarks, Naomi tells her mom about the affair and it turns out Mama Clark knows all about the other woman. Her name is Gail. DUN DUN DUN. Naomi is gobsmacked as her mom tells her he's been seeing her for 2 years and that Gail doesn't live in town. Mama Clark says she and her husband have two homes, two kids, a life together, and she isn't going to break up with him because he has something on the side. Awesome. Good example, Mama Clark.

JACKIE TAYLOR! She's swaggering around with a drink in her hand and doesn't know where Silver has been staying, thinking she was at Naomi's. Kelly wonders if it's alcohol now or if she's back on coke? Silver bursts in and the mom immediately accuses her of causing all the problems. Kelly says she's taking Silver with her when she leaves. The mom takes a shot at Sammy's as-of-yet unnamed daddy. Silver tries to appeal to her mom to stop drinking and Jackie snaps, "OH GET OUT! I AM TIRED OF BOTH OF YOU!" Ooooh, b*tch.

The ending montage is of Ethan texting Annie, Mr. Clark coming home to kiss his wife in front of Naomim, who looks ready to vomit, Kelly and Sammy and Silver hanging out in bed eating ice cream, the Wilson kids making breakfast for their parents and having a family breakfast. Awww. The kids suggest places they can go out for the next Family Night and we fade to black while the Wilsons are 1000 pounds of cuteness.