'90210' recap: Inherit the Windbag

90210-s3-annie-dixon-ivy-320.jpgEveryone who isn't an utter dirt bag fails this episode. At life, but also more specific tasks. Naomi fails at adulthood when she regains control of her trust fund and goes on a tear. She buys back all her friends with Tiffany necklaces, buys a load of other friends with a big splashy 18th birthday party, and buys a new car for plowing down Rapemeister Cannon. Inevitably, everything blows up in her face because no shiny trinket will distract Silver from the fact that Naomi tried to bag her boyfriend. Naomi fails at apologies and honesty by concocting some ridiculous roofie story. Her dishonesty catches up with her eventually, right as Teddy's dishonesty catches up with him after he fails at sobriety and drinks himself into several Jackie Taylor-Silver-like stupors. Feeling betrayed by all those closest to her, Silver runs into the arms of Cannon, on whom she has developed a school girl crush. And who has developed a jailhouse crush on her.

Annie fails at carrying a cup of coffee. Truly. But technically she fails up when the person she spills on is a dream boat. He proposes a make-up coffee date, only with less spilling, but she brings up her unresolved fail-mance with Liam. For his part, Liam fails at having any common sense. At all. Guess those man bangs sometimes get in the way of cerebral processing . He takes parolee Annie for a date on a boat he is just "borrowing" while the owner is away. Annie skips that s*** and is back to the arms of her Coffee Cutie. Who we learn is Liam's half-brother. Genetic fail.

We can't even start to tell you the multitudes of ways in which Ivy fails, so we shan't try. Though, to be fair, it's Dixon who fails at not being a p**** frat boy, as he hits up the bar with Ausscar and lets a bachelorette take a body shot off of him. Of course pictures are taken, of course they get back to Ivy, and of course she looks to floppy-locked Ausscar for consolation. If any of you didn't figure out well ahead of time that Ausscar paid the bachelorette to set Dixon up, you fail.

And Matthews and Jen fail at even making the E-plot bearable. In short, she's a massive bitch who can't keep an assistant. He's a loser with nothing to do. Ever. And the miracle of false labor and real desperation reunites them for the moment. At least now my fast forwarding will be consolidated!

Photo credit: The CW