'American Idol' recap: Hold Me Closer, Katherine Helmond

american-idol-top-11-results-0324.jpgI didn't watch last week but I heard it was pretty f***ed up. Either Casey acted nasty and gross, or was weird and 19. One of those categories, we already knew he was. The other I don't really believe. There's an insanely long thing about what happened last week, in slow motion, and it looks pretty shitty. I don't think that would have been a very good birthday gift, Ryan. I don't think so at all.

On the up, though, two of these dorks are going home tomorrow and there's no more of that dumb Judge Save crap to look forward to. So in the final analysis, even if it turns America on my man Casey like a pack of mean dogs, I don't really mind. This last week has been a whole dolce far niente, but now it's time to care. Not a challenge to which I am up.

In the audience tonight we have Heather Morris. Maybe she will do a little dance for everybody. I love watching that woman dance more than just about anything in the world. Or maybe she will rip off her shirt and toss Ryan Seacrest into the crowd. I hope he will be okay when that happens.