'America's Got Talent': Carlton Baltimore the Paper Horn Man caps a less than stellar hour

carlton-baltimore-paper-horn-man-nick-cannon.jpgThe auditions continue in Seattle for "America's Got Talent." Can anyone live up to Team iLuminate from last week's premiere ( Spoiler alert: Turns out the answer is no, at least not in Seattle).

Melissa Villasenor kicks things off with a stand-up comedy routine. Wow, bold. You really don't see a lot of female comics, not relative to the number of men,especially one who does impressions. Her bit starts with Barbara Walters talking to Natalie Portman and it's not bad, though her Barbara is perhaps Cheri Oteri doing Barbara. Her Miley Cyrus is OK. Her Kathy Griffin is amazing - like, spooky good. Her Xtina is more Cher than Xtina, but still - she's good, she deserves to go through.  

The next act are the A+C Twins, who are dressed like they've got a great act to do but it turns out they can't sing and their dancing looks like what Zack busted out for Jessie when they entered the dance contest together. Piers says it was a brilliant act until they opened their mouths. Yes. Next!

This leads us into a Bad Montage: Litz Plummer and Robert Close or The Couple that Ate Kurt and Brigitta Von Trapp, the Rice Rockettes drag group that is way not pretty enough to be drag queens and an absolutely wretched magic act called Mr. Mystic.

Anita McCoy is up next. She's a 69-year-old dance teacher who taps, twirls batons, hula hoops (all at once) and then cartwheels and hits the splits. Piers buzzes her, but at least the other two let her finish. Impressive, lady. But still a no.

Finally back to the good acts, we have a Kenyan acrobatic troupe called Zuma Zuma. They get a jump rope started and then it's just flips and tricks for a solid 90 seconds, it's really impressive. I can't really describe what they did, but it was cool as hell. They are through unanimously.

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is next, they are a band of young 'uns from Oakland, ranging in age from 12-16. Their lead singer is a cutie girl who can definitely sing (they do "Billionaire" for their audition). They've also got some bongoes, a keyboard, a couple guitars, they're adorable and good. Sharon calls the singer a little star. Piers tells her she doesn't need the group, but she says she needs the band to back her and they can show that off better when it's electric (as opposed to acoustic).

Good Montage: The Daring Jones Duo, an aerial acrobat act that is pretty nifty; Sadie, an 8-year-old singer who can scat and sounds like a middle-aged woman; and the Elektrolytes, a hip-hop dance troupe that didn't actually seem that great to me, but we didn't get to see the whole routine.

The next act is Mauricio Herrera, a "showman" from Costa Rica who Carltons his way through "Living La Vida Loca" and it's terrible, but pretty awesomely so. You can't look away, like a car wreck. Next!

Backstage, Howie plays some pranks on Piers and I'm with Piers - "This is not funny." It's not.

Carlton Baltimore the Paper Horn Man is up now. He has bass in his voice like Barry White and plays paper and cups as a one-man band. He seems like a sweet man, I hope this is not setting us up to laugh at a homeless person because I find that in poor taste. Unfortunately, that's exactly what it turns out to be. People may be humoring him, but he's not some actual hidden talent gem and Piers buzzes him, then walks out. This is gross, please stop. Sharon says no, but Howie says since Piers is not there, they will vote yes for him. Howie, stop. Please stop. While they wait for Piers to come back, Nick Cannon and Paper Horn Man duet on "When the Saints Go Marching In," which is kinda cute, but ... seriously. I don't really find this funny and I'd rather watch good acts go through.

And that's where we end it. Um, seriously? I like this show most of the time, but what a waste of most of an hour of my life.

Come back tomorrow, where we have two hours of "AGT," which at least means we'll get to see more good acts.
Photo/Video credit: NBC