'America's Got Talent': Kevin Skinner is your 2009 winner

skinner-01-2009-06-301.jpgTonight "America's Got Talent" crowned Kevin Skinner as the winner of season four.

After a video synopsis of last night, Nick asks the judges for predictions about the winners. Piers says he has no idea this year. Sharon says tonight is bittersweet but she can't wait to see who America has chosen. The Hoff makes more "Hoff" puns while being dressed like an extra from "Dick Tracy."

Disco & Boobs
We now have the Top 10 finalists performing Thelma Houston's "Don't Leave Me This Way." I'm trepidatious, but then I remember that like 70% of the finalists are singing acts. Just when I think this will be BETTER than when "American Idol" threw Freda Payne, Thelma Houston and KC at us, Thelma Houston's boobs jiggle their way on stage in a green version of the same dress she wore on Idol. This is two big reality shows for Ms. Houston in six months, who is she sleeping with?

Oh my god, Kevin Skinner has to sing with her and it's scary. Kevin is DEFINITELY not disco. Drew Stevyns takes over and it's marginally better. Lawrence Beaman goes next and that's pretty good. The Fab Five, Hairo Torres and Recycled Percussion get featured together and that's pretty sweet, but I cannot stop focusing on the undulating bosom of Thelma Houston. Nightmare fuel.

Leona Lewis Performs
I love Leona Lewis, she's so good and super-pretty and I love that she hasn't gotten her nose done. Own your looks, ladies.  Leona performs her single "Happy." It's no "Bleeding Love," but it's a good song in its own right.

There's a logo in the bottom left-hand corner reminding me that Jay Leno is on next. Does anybody else wonder why he quit late-night to do essentially the same thing 90 minutes earlier? It's not like those shows are live, either, so he's doing the same thing. I don't get it.

Audition Montage

Crazy monkey-call lady, a bad magician, Tom Everett Scott dancing, a face-driller, the weird contortionist sisters, Bret Michaels, bad singers, the sex-swing couple, a tiny Jewish Elvis, Avenue Q meets a bad country bar, the creepy dancing barber Tony, Edith Ann, a screaming girl who promptly went home and cut herself, and the big lady who danced with Nick Cannon (which, admittedly, was AWESOME).

And now some of the bad auditions are HERE. We have Bret Michaels and Dancing Tony and... some guys in gold lame and tiny Jewish Elvis and screaming cutter girl and creepy puppet guy and the weird suitcase sisters and Edith Ann and big dancing girl, who is dressed like she ate the cast of of the 80s version of "Fame." Hey, there's the sex-swing couple! At the end, the magician does a trick where his assistant turns into Grandma Lee and Piers dressed in their wedding finery. Okay, that was mildly funny. Piers is a good sport.

Nick Cannon sends us to commercial while faux-spanking Big Girl Dancer. He's a good sport too, I really like Nick Cannon as the host.

Cirque du Soleil
Banana Shpeel is their show and it's their take on Vaudeville. It's quite stylized and very neat to watch. I love the costumes and music. Very entertaining.

Orville Lounge Time
Grandma Lee says she's naming her baby Nick. Drew gets sexually harassed by Sharon via Nick. The Fab Five teach Nick how to clog. Yes, yes, get on with it.

Montage of the Season
How is this different from the montage of the Top 10 we saw at the beginning and the Montage of the Auditions we just saw? Sigh.

We finally get some results. Nick brings down 5 pairs of acts and eliminates one and keeps the other. The first pair is Barbara Padilla and Hairo Torres and Barbara is in the Top 5. Next up is Lawrence Beaman and the Voices of Glory. Lawrence advances, so no surprises yet . Holy crap. Voices of Glory advanced. I typed that last sentence just assuming it would be Lawrence. WOW.

The third pairing is -- oh dammit. The Fab Five and the Texas Tenors. Dammit all. I just know it's the Texas Tenors. Blech. And then Ken Doll and his Cronies advance. Sigh. Next up is Kevin Skinner and Drew Stevyns. Well, this is obvious. If the comments on my article from the other night are any indication, Kevin Skinner is JESUS and I am a puppy-killing devil. [eye roll] So Kevin advances, shocker. The last pair is Recycled Percussion and Grandma Lee. Thank God Recycled Percussion goes through.

This show is a joke. "Talent?" Kevin Skinner is awful and he'll probably win and that is terrible. I'm not saying anything bad about him as PERSON. I'm sure he's a very nice man. But this show is not called "America's Best Sob Story" and the fervor with which the judges were fellating Skinner last night is gross. Also: the American public is full of idiots.

Silly Judges Montage
This is all very nice and I DO like the judges on this show, but my god. This finale could SERIOUSLY be an hour. Ugh.

Shakira Performs
I don't love Shakira, not going to lie. And her song is called "She-Wolf?" What? Oh lord. I could not care less about this over-produced electronic song with bad dancing.

Results
We now narrow the Top 5 to the Top 2. Sigh. If it's the Texas Tenors and Kevin Skinner, I will poke sharp sticks in my ears.  It SHOULD be Recycled Percussion and Barbara Padilla, but I don't think it will be. The fifth-place act is Voices of Glory. Fourth place goes to the Texas Tenors. Well, thank God. Now if Kevin Skinner can just take 3rd. Third place is... Recycled Percussion. Sigh. Of course it is.

Piers says you could not have two more different acts for the winner. Well yeah. You have one with a lot of talent and one with not very much talent who gets votes for... I don't even know why. I love country music and Kevin Skinner seems like a nice guy, but he has not had a good performance since his first audition. His tone is fine but he can't carry a tune. He just can't, guys. If you think he can, you are DEAF. I can't believe he's in the Final Two.

Rascal Flatts

We now have the Boy Band of Country Music. I like Rascal Flatts, they have good harmonies. If you think the Texas Tenors are any good, you should try a real trio of singers like Rascal Flatts.

Top Two Montage
Yet ANOTHER montage of this season. OH MY GOD, GET ON WITH IT! Lord in heaven.

Susan Boyle Performs

This is the only part of tonight I've been looking forward to.  At least Britain can put two worthy talents in the Final Two. Tonight she sings "Wild Horses" and it's VERY good.  I love this song, too. It makes me think of Buffy.

Results Time
Nick Cannon announces that the winner of "America's Got Talent" is...Kevin Skinner. God. Gag me.

Well, gang. It's been fun. If this is the best "talent" America has... we are in trouble.