'America's Got Talent': Marry me, Eli!

Davidhasselhoff_americasgottalent_2 Last night's offering on America's Got Talent was pretty weak, if you ask me. There were a few awesome ones and then a big pile of steaming crap. I hope that the awesome ones make it through. I also hope tonight has some better acts for us. Join me, won't you, to find out who from last night is going home.

Jerry welcomes us and I gotta say, he sure makes me miss Ryan Seacrest and Cat Deeley. I wish those two had a talk show. They'd be better than Regis & Kelly. Jerry chats needlessly with the judges and then brings out the acts from last night. Weirdly, Bruce the Magician is not there "due to illness" and Jerry reveals to us that he wasn't voted through anyway. Don't let the door hit ya, Bruce. The first duo to face off are the Strumpets and Jonathan Burkin. And it's Burkin! Yay! Next is Shequida and Sarah Lenore. Hmm, sorry Shequida. Should've stuck to opera songs. Next we have Hot Elvis versus Impressions Guy. Please let it be Hot Elvis, please let it be Hot Elvis. And then it is! Yay!

Jerry then has the Taubl Family, Sickstep and Michael Strelo-Smith step forward. Based on the votes, The Taubl Family is moving on. Oh man, the judges better pick Sickstep to stay. They are one of the only dance groups good enough and M S-S was not good last night. Piers tells Michael he should show some humility and then votes for Sickstep. Snerk. Awesome. Sharon votes for Sickstep too! YAY! I'm 4-1 from last night, bringing my prediction tally to 10-5. Not too shabby.

Tonight's acts are the Dallas DesperadHos (3rd worthless dance team), Brian Cheatham (R&B singer), Flambeaux, Kaitlyn the Cutest Girl in the World, Dorae Saunders (Tina Turner), Donald Braswell, Indiggo (gross hookers from outer space), the Tapping Dads, Eli Mattson, and Nuttin but Stringz. My initial picks are Flambeaux, Kaitlyn, the Tapping Dads, Eli Mattson and Nuttin but Stringz.

The Dallas DesperadHos are up first, dancing to a hip-hop song that I don't know. Overall, I'm unimpressed. Piers agrees and buzzes them. This is dance team crap, same as Beyond Belief and the Strumpets. Yawn. There's also one taller girl who is not quite in sync with everybody else. I totally sympathize; I was the tallest girl on my dance team by a good 5 inches and that makes it harder to blend. But she really drew my eye and not in a good way. Piers says he wasn't feeling the "cheerleading rock chicks" tonight. I didn't feel that the first time, but okay Piers. Sharon says it's great for half time shows (yes) but not enough to sustain a headline act (duh). The Hoff rolls his tongue back into his mouth and says he missed the edge and precision tonight, but congratulates them on getting this far.

Up next is Brian Cheatham, who is a Chippendales dancer-cum-R&B singer. Well, he certainly is... muscley. Rowr. He sings "You're the First, the Last, My Everything" and oh my god, what is he wearing?!? Is he a pimp in his spare time? He manages to run from the balcony to the stage and not lose his breath. Maybe Hot Elvis should look into exotic dancing to get in shape. I don't think he's exactly Marvin Gaye, but he is working the stage really well and doesn't sound bad. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets through, though Piers did buzz him. Piers says he is miles better from his first performance, but that he can't sustain a headline act, except on a cruise ship. Snerk. The Hoff non-sequiturs, "I like cruises." Sharon wants him to cut the cheesiness out of his act. Hmm. I liked his stage presence. The Hoff loves his charisma (yes) and said he nailed it.

Flambeaux is our next act. Now THIS is a Vegas act. I wonder if he and the Baton Twirler could do something together with flaming batons? He has a whole set up with homeless people and a fire barrel (from his time living on the streets), set to the strains of "Amish Paradise" "Dangerous Minds." He immediately lights himself on fire and his overcoast fall away in the flames. Cool. But then the act just gets really boring. He's just running around, waving a stick while someone woman wails along with the music. BOR-RING. Piers calls it a weird Druids glen and just very strange. Sharon says he flambeed his Flambeaux. I've been waiting for that joke, Sharon. Way to go. The Hoff calls it S&M and Goth, a little too scary.

Up now is Kaitlyn and I've got my insulin shot at the ready. Seriously, TOO MUCH CUTENESS. She comes waddling out in a gorgeous gold dress and sparkly shoes and sings "What a Wonderful World." This girl makes me cry, what in god's name is wrong with me? She's just standing there, so earnest and I am enchanted! Her singing really isn't bad either. She goes for a high note at the end and almost gets there. She then comes forward to be judged and a little microphone comes up from out of the stage to about 3 feet tall and I DIE FROM THE CUTENESS. Piers says she looks like a princess and he says she has more charm, star quality and professionalism than almost every other act. I agree. Sharon says she carried the melody, had good timing and Kaitlyn just keeps saying, "Thank you," which is hilarious. The Hoff tells her to run for President. It's just... a word slot machine with this guy. Anyway, well done, Cutest Girl in the History of Everything.

Tina Turner is the next act tonight. I am so sick of this dude. He doesn't actually look THAT much like Tina. He is the Thing That Ate Tina Turner and he doesn't sing his own songs. I could put on a Tina wig and jiggle around too, dude. During the pre-performance interview, I start to wonder if Dorae is actually a woman. I'm not sure anymore! Weird. She is lowered from the ceiling in a giant half disco-ball-seat. From now on, I would like to arrive everywhere in that manner. She performs to "Disco Inferno." She jiggles around in her white dress and whatnot, but the lip syncing isn't great and I'm totally bored. She seems to have the Tucson Repertory Theatre cast of Grease performing as her back-up dancers. Piers says she looks fabulous and it was great fun, but that it's not fair to put her through with people who do their own singing. YES! That's what I've been saying! Way to catch up, Piers. Tina gets a little shirty with Piers, which is annoying. I hate when people talk back to the judges (I'm looking at you, Michael ThrowaFit-Smith). Sharon loved it. Blech. The Hoff is unsure she can sustain a Vegas show, but he liked it nonetheless. Harumph.

The America's Vote guy Donald Braswell is next. He's the guy who was in a car accident and lost the use of his vocal chords and lived under a piece of plywood with his 3 children and one-legged cancer-ridden wife and had to sell his kidney to pay for little Sally's iron lung. Or something like that. He sings "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha. Honestly, it's darn good. This guy is the best male singer left in the competition, bar none. He doesn't miss a note and he's actually heard of "dynamics" and "using volume to convey emotion." He makes Neal E. Boyd, Opera Singer look like a cry-baby chump. Piers says that America was absolutely right to bring him back. For real. Donald BROUGHT IT tonight. Two snaps up! He's also strangely more attractive than he was previously. Hmm. Am I drunk? Sharon compares him to Robert Goulet (who sang the song originally) and all I can hear is that lyric from A Chorus Line, "Robert Goulet, Robert Goulet, my god, Robert Goulet!" Ahem. The Hoff says that's a helluva hard song and he nailed it. Yes, he did. Well done, Donald.

I'd rather just skip the next act because I might break my computer with the venom spitting out of my eyeballs. It's Indiggo, the disgusting-gonna-end-up-in-twin-porn-Romanian-crazypants-villain-on-Buffy girls. They are singing an original song tonight called "George Clooney?"  Really? Umm... oh my god. They do some bad old timey flapper moves and start getting booed pretty heavily. The chorus goes, "I don't need no Georgie Clooney... something something... I don't need no David Beckham." I feel like I've just fallen into a David Lynch TV show by way of the rabbit hole. They spend some time groping the male judges and the audience is really letting them have it. There might be a riot. I can't believe this act made it through the first AND second rounds. Piers says to ship them back to Romania. They talk back to Piers, which is so attractive. They try to keep singing over Sharon's comments, which is SO rude. Sharon hated the song and when she finds out it's by a German producer, she says, "Oh, no wonder." Good dig on The Hoff there, Sharon. The Hoff VERY creepily says he likes watching them. Well, at least they'll have a buyer for their twin porn. Ugh. I need a shower.

The Tapping Dads are next! YAY! These guys are adorable. Perhaps not the best tappers out there, but super sweet and fun. It turns out they formed this group to dance with their daughters. OH MY LORD! That's so cute! They tap to "Putting on the Ritz" and they have a soloist who is actually a VERY good tapper. Piers buzzes them, which is a bit harsh. I really wish Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle were involved in this. They have a great tightly-packed in-sync group part at the end and the main soloist is REALLY charismatic. YAY! Piers says that as dancers, Fred Astaire would be turning in his grave. Uh, I really think that's too harsh. SHaron starts ripping up the papers on the judges' table and faux-strangles Piers, which makes Piers laugh really hard. I like those two. Sharon says what they lack technically, they make up for in heart and she loves them. Sharon and Piers bicker some more while The Hoff says he finds them wildly entertaining and they did great tonight.

We now have Eli Mattson, who I hope is performing on a real piano and not a keyboard this time. I like this guy's vibe. He performs "Nobody Knows" and I love the countrified Eddie Veddar thing he has going on with his voice. Very sexy. He could absolutely have hits on the radio. I'd love to hear him do the acoustic piano version of "3 AM" by Matchbox 20. Anyway, well done. I don't have much to say other than it was soulful and good. Piers says sensational, Sharon says "no dancers, no fire, no backing tracks, just talent." YES! The Hoff says it was refreshing and classy. For sure. Awesome.

Nuttin but Stringz is rounding out the night. I really want these guys to do well, I love them. They emerge from the parting video screen in smoke and are playing a very emotional, beautiful piece. I love how much they seem to LOVE playing. The hip-hop beat kicks up and they dance around the stage a little and one counts 'em off and then they bust it down while hopping in time to the music. It's awesome. I love these guys. Piers for emotion, intensity, professionalism and commanding the stage, they are his favorite act in the competition. Cool. Sharon loves the tone they have in their violin and the cross-over with the hip-hop is sensational. The Hoff says they move us with their music. Absolutely.

To recap: the Dallas DesperadHos failing to impress me; Brian Cheatham smarming it up but sounding good, all while dressed like a pimp (where's his hat with the feather in it?); Flambeaux weirding me out (he should get together with Indiggo and head for Romania); Kaitlyn making me believe it really IS a wonderful world; Tina Turner putting me to sleep and confusing about her actual gender; Donald Braswell surprising the crap out of me and being awesome; Indiggo making me want to stab my eyeballs out with a pencil; the Tapping Dads tapping their way into our hearts; Eli Mattson and Nuttin but Stringz giving the show a VERY STRONG ending.

After seeing the performances, I'd substitute Donald Braswell for Flambeaux in my group of 5 but it will be an absolute crime if Donald, the Tapping Dads, Eli and NbS don't make it. As for Kaitlyn, I love her, but I get why people don't. So Brian Cheatham could possibly sub for her, though I don't think he actually will. See you next week to find out who is going home!