'America's Next Top Model' recap: By the Short Hairs

antm-allison-320.jpgIt's makeover episode! Wait, make that TYOVER episode. I know, I know. But a mere makeover would not suffice on this season of seasons. But before we get to the hair drama, Tyra has the girls meet with brand strategist Martin Lindstrom, who is a genius with an indeterminate accent. Apparently the crack ANTM research team asked fans about the girls' images, and from this Martin is going to give them one word that will dictate their brands. To wit, Lisa is daring, Shannon is trustworthy (read: boring), Dominique is a survivor, Allison is unique, Angelea is persistent and wears cheap shoes, Bre is a girlfriend, Camille is proud, Isis is inspiration, and Laura is lovable. Alexandria is tough, which really means "tough to like." Sheena is deemed "unexpected," which she correctly intuits as "unexpected that she's not a cello-playing math genius." Martin tells Kayla that being gay is SO five years ago, and gives her the word "free." And then there's Bianca. Her word is "candid," which she takes as instant permission to start being a total hag. God, I love her.

And then the Tyovers commence. Ashlee Simpson is just sort of lurking around for no real reason, making everyone nervous. You'd think the fact that these bitches have all been through this process before would mean that they'd all handle it with aplomb, but alas! That is not the case. Lisa is going short again, and is upset because she's getting married in two months. It's not called America's Next Top Wedding Hair. Get over it. And then Bre, who has come off as the coolest of cucumbers, freaks out about her shaved-side shorter cut. She goes and cries in the bathroom and threatens to leave the show, because she's so full of rage. Well it's already cut now, you might as well hang out for a while. Eventually she decides to stay, though her confidence has taken a hit. On the positive side, Alexandria loves her new, shorter, shaggy 'do. Much of it covers her face, which I think is a positive.

Post-makeover, the girls head straight into a photo shoot/challenge. The girls are instructed to create their own Pink's hot dog (Pink's being a hot dog place that is famous in Hollywood), and make it consistent with their brand word. They will then take a photo of the whole situation, because what the world needs is more images of ladies with their wide open mouths wrapped around hot dogs. Laura gets freaky with the BBQ sauce, and I guess it's lovable in the way that a person loves porn. Dominique survives a big dog, while Lisa goes daring with her bunless dog. There is so much food hanging out of peoples' mouths -- it's like my nightmare.