'America's Next Top Model' recap: I Be Like Ugh

tyra-banks-antm-15-320.jpgThis week, Top Model explores the concept of becoming famous by being a giant weirdo on the Internets. Certainly among the seven remaining models, there are some contenders in this field. YouTube sensations make various cameos in the episode, with the first Tyra Mail delivered by some annoying little girl who is actually probably 37 or something. She's the postmodern Webster! No, really, I have no idea who she is. But she's a phenomenon! Anyway, the ladies are each tasked with writing and recording their own song (or at least providing lyrics and a melody to a preordained track, with some professional help) and starring in a video for said song. For the week's challenge, they must write their lyrics in a mere 20 minutes, and the winner will get a visit from a loved one. Allison is completely freaked out by this challenge, as she claims she's not at all musical. But then she actually goes deep and writes very personal lyrics about her father who passed away last year. She gets overwhelmed and weepy, and it makes me sad that throughout this episode Tyra Banks is going to do her damnedest to defile what is actually a very beautiful thing. Lisa, of course, has an advantage in that she's written songs before, even though they're terrible ones. Her La Puchinetta swag comes through, and she wins the challenge and a visit from her fiancé. And he's, like, totally normal! Crazy.

The girls head into the studio to record their tracks, and learn that Tyra has come up with a "fun" hook that she wants everyone to incorporate into their song. It is this: "Pot ledom, that's top model backwards." Yes, Tyra is now trying to make "pot ledom" a thing. I don't know, everyone. Allison is crestfallen, because trying to work "pot ledom, that's top model backwards" in a heartfelt song about your dead father is more than any human should have to bear. But then she is actually totally awesome, and her song, "Underwater," is creepy and wonderful, and she does this sort of whisper overlay of the "pot ledom" thing that is just sublime because of how you almost can't hear it. And to give credit where it's due, Lisa's song, "I Be Like Whoa," is actually pretty great, or at least she sells it like crazy.

Next, the girls shoot videos for their songs and learn that Game (nee The Game) will be their director. They also learn that Tyra (wearing a pot ledom outfit that involves, like, one armful of feathers) will be in their videos along with YouTube Webster II Keenan Cahill. Yes, Tyra will not rest until she has completely sullied Allison's tender ballad! And also ruined anything that anyone has ever done, anywhere. Dominique's song is called "Tooch Ya Booty," and is basically a two-minute advertisement for Top Model affiliates. Alexandria pulls some weird German robot **** with her song "Go, Go, Go," and elicits Game's fantastic observation that there's not enough time to put oil in the Tin Man. Shannon's song is vacant and virginal, while Laura's "Southern Sweet Girl" has her signature mix of Valtrex and apple pie. Lisa's video is high energy and pretty great, and Game really likes her. But not as much as he likes Allison! People, Game is IN LOVE with Allison, for real. It's totally deep. And he is right to be in love, because her video performance (on a swing!) is magical. She uses her giant eyes to their best effect yet, and Game calls her face a work of art. Things don't go so well for Angelea, unfortunately, and her video for "I'm Here" tanks with just about everyone.