'Bachelor in Paradise': A possible threesome, Clare Crawley leaves in a huff

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cody-michelle-bachelor-in-paradise.jpgAre you ready for the second part of "Bachelor in Paradise's" special two-night episode? Let's find out if Graham is going to give AshLee the heave-ho.

Rose Ceremony

We pick up with Graham and Michelle behind the scenes of the tiki hut and Graham appears to be having a panic attack. But it's a total fake out, because he then regains his composure and then happily accepts AshLee's rose. WTF, Graham!

But then, Lacy starts vomiting? She runs off to the bathroom and starts barfing. Everyone says it's because she doesn't like AshLee, but she probably just had some bad shrimp. Either way, Marcus and Lacy are now excused from the rose ceremony and the rest of the roses go Michelle-Cody, Sarah-Robert and Jackie-Jesse (nooooo!), so that means Marquel and Kalon are heading home. What a bummer.

Meanwhile, Lacy is in the hospital. Marcus is by her side, awww.

The new arrival

Clare says she and Zack are unbreakable, as Christy saunters up. I barely remember her from Juan Pablo's season, she went home episode 3. But apparently Zack has hung out with her before at one of the "Bachelor" nation orgies, so she asks Zack on her date. To his credit, he says no without even having to talk with Clare. Color me impressed, I did not see that coming. I figured the "unbreakable" comment was some ironic editing.

Speaking of ironic editing, Christy talks about how she doesn't want a "d*****bag" like her last boyfriend and then asks Jesse out. We shall see how that comment pans out, but it might perhaps be telling that Jackie just gave him a rose over Marquel and he hesitated not one whit before agreeing to go out with Christy.

Jesse and Christy's date

They do some day-drinking because, "When in Mexico!", right? Then Jesse says in re: Christy's ex, "If I were a d*****bag, I would deny, deny, deny." Um, "if"? And also, that's literally the entire date. Thrilling, these two.

Sarah and Robert's date

There's some dinner, some head-butting. Sarah's ready to make with the smoochies and after dropping lots of hints, he finally goes in for the big first kiss. Sarah is pleased. It's only slightly more interesting than Jesse and Christy's date and both have flashed by, so we must be in for some major drama later in this episode -- why else would they spend so little time on these dates? This is like speed-dating so far.

The tiki hut


Michelle and Cody are cuddling and we'll agree with Michelle -- this literally happened overnight. However, she's acting like suddenly now they are betrothed or something. You don't have to have kids together, Michelle. Just hang loose and get to know him. Relax, mama.

Meanwhile, Jesse and Christy return from their date that apparently consisted solely of doing tequila shots out of each other's bellybuttons. And they're not done! They're ready for more drinking and then possibly hooking up.

This loosey-goosey attitude is not lost on Zack, who is having some buyer's remorse about choosing Super Serious Clare over Possibly Drunken Hookup Christy. That is tough, brah.

clare-crawley-bachelor-in-paradise.jpgThe Clare drama

But all kidding aside, Clare is a very emotional, intense person. Case in point -- Zack expresses to her how intense they have become and perhaps it's been too much, too fast and Clare gets even more intense, which is definitely the right approach. Basically, here's how this goes down:

What Zack says: "I'm trying to figure out if we're a great fit for each other."
What Clare hears: "You are not The One."

What Zack says: "You have a lot of the qualities I look for in a girl."
What Clare hears: "I don't love you."

What Zack says: "I feel like we pushed things a little too quickly. I just want to have fun with you."
What Clare hears: "The wedding is off."

Clare runs off looking for her woodland creature friends -- literally, she runs off into the jungle and has a complete meltdown and RACCOON IS BACK! Do you suppose that raccoon is related to the garbage bandits from "The Great Outdoors"?

when Clare returns from the jungle, she says she's leaving because she "didn't come here for drama." Um, then what are you doing? Why aren't you staying to just have a good time and see what happens? Why does everything always have to be at 11 with Clare? I need you to bring it down to a 4, Clare-bear.

But before she leaves, Clare decides she has to wake up Zack to tell him that she needs to listen to her gut because she didn't listen to her gut during Juan Pablo's season of "The Bachelor," so she's going home. Zack says nice things, but Clare insists she's leaving. Bags are packed! Driver's here! I'm really leaving! I'll do it, Zack! I'll leave! Don't you try and stop me! Don't try! Zack! I said don't try to stop me! Hey! Are you asleep? Why aren't you trying to stop me?!

I may have overstated that a bit, but it really felt like Clare wanted him to fight a little harder. Either way, he didn't, so she leaves. People come and go so quickly here! It's like Oz, with STDs.

Amazingly, in her exit interview, Clare cries and says, "This is why I wanted to do 'Dancing With the Stars."" Aww, honey. I've kind of got my fingers crossed you're ON "Dancing With the Stars" this season. Or wait! Can you imagine Clare as "Bachelorette"? That would be ... wow, I don't even know what that would be, but I would watch the crap out of it (even if it wasn't my job).

New arrival No. 2


It's Naked Lucy, y'all! Awesome. She immediately starts running around nude and asks Jesse out on a date, which is awkward for Christy since they're friends and she just went out on a date with him. Do I smell a threeway? It's really all this show is missing. That, a pregnancy scare and a proposal.

Lucy and Jesse's date

Jesse isn't really that into Lucy as a person, he's just excited about boobs. B00BS, y'all. Boobies. Sweater puppies. Tatas. Fun bags. Jesse's pumped -- and that's pretty much the entire date.

Michelle and Cody's date


They take engagement photos. It's a little weird, but they both just have fun with it, which makes it not awkward. Plus, the photographer gets some amazing photos of them. Michelle is very photogenic. And everything would have been great if the show had stopped right there.

But it gets weird when Michelle is given a wedding dress to put on for the photoshoot. Coupling that with Cody being kind of intense means that Michelle is kind of freaking out. You know what is a shame? It's a shame Clare was so hung up on Zack. Her intensity and Cody's intensity could have made for an actual wedding during this show.

Michelle ends up putting on the wedding dress, which is ... sporting of her, I guess. I still think it's weird.

AshLee and Graham's date

This zooms by as fast as ... well, I would say as fast as AshLee drives her race car, but AshLee drives like a granny, so we'll just say this is yet another date that gets like five seconds of screentime.

The tiki hut 'o love


Back at the ranch, Christy is feeling lonely because everyone is paired off. So she's doing some more drinking, while Marcus is busy telling Lacy he loves her, and Jesse and Lucy are making out in the bushes. We get some more ironic editing with Christy saying during a drinking game, "Never have I ever had a threesome." Yes! Nailed it.

Jesse's got the drunky-drunk blurry eyes in his talking-head interview where he can't remember Lucy's name, which is super classy. Speaking of classy, when Christy confronts him about saying yes to Lucy because it made her sad, Jesse says he was just doing it to be nice because it hurts to be rejected. So they start making out, which turns into bedroom making out, which turns into ... a threesome? The show implies as much. And you know Lucy is totally down with that. But based on the previews for next week, I think this was a bit of misleading editing. Christy seems to be all upset and hurt about whatever it is Jesse did with Lucy. So that probably wouldn't be the case if she'd been a part of it, right? Hmm.

Rose Ceremony

Since Clare left, Zack and Jesse's roses are up for grabs between Lucy, Christy and Jackie. Jackie smartly realizes she doesn't want any part of whatever it is Jesse is selling, so she shores up Zack's rose.

But which one of his nookie buddies will Jesse give his rose to? He ends up going with Christy, so it's bye-bye to Naked Lucy. We hardly knew ye. The rest of the roses go as expected.

Well, gotta say -- night two of the two-day special was a bit of a letdown, right? What a bummer AshLee didn't get any comeuppance from her behavior towards Clare.

Next week:
Sarah's got a choice to make. I think it's Brooks Forester who catches her eye.
Photo/Video credit: ABC