'Bachelor Pad': Can you spell 't-h-e-r-a-p-y'?

ed-jaclyn-bachelor-pad.jpgIt's still Chris and Sarah versus the rest of the "Bachelor Pad" house, while Ed turns out to be the skanky d-bag we all thought we was and Rachel is "a widow," which .... of course that's what someone on this co-dependent, Stockholm Syndrome show would say.

Post Rose Ceremony

Rachel's having a total meltdown, like she can't date Michael when the show is over in like two weeks. Um, if you are so weak that you worry how you'll survive in this stupid game without him for two weeks, then you don't deserve a guy like Michael Stagliano. Get a rein on your horses, lady.

Nick partners up with Rachel, as Harrison tells them they are playing officially as partners from here on out, which is pretty much exactly what they've been doing so far.

Challenge Day

An actual school bus takes them to a spelling bee, which honestly just seems mean to do to these nincompoops. Any takers on who is good at this? Since we've seen footage of Ed and Jaclyn on a date, we wonder if it's them, but that seems wrong. Doesn't it seem like Kalon and Lindzi should be pretty good spellers? Guess we'll see.

The twist on this bee is that the couples have to spell in tandem, alternating letters. That would throw us off and we're pretty good spellers. That just seems mean. And to add insult to injury, three of the top spellers from California (age roughly 12) are the judges. Awesome.

The couples start with easy words just to get into the swing of alternating letters. But then they jump to "engagement ring" and "jewelry" and "rose ceremony" and everyone struggles. Kalon is particularly bad, which is funny.

Jaclyn uses the word "literally" correctly, in that "literally" the bell-ringer judge was disgusted with them. And so she threatens to kidnap him. Or something. Shut up, Jaclyn.

It comes down to Jaclyn/Ed and Sarah/Chris when the words get harder, like "aphrodisiac," "philanderer" and "boutonniere," which would have tripped me up, to be honest. That's a word I always misspell. They go back and forth on several words they can't spell, like "soiree," "lascivious" and "entrepreneur." Chris/Sarah finally win on "serendipity." Blakeley cries, which is kind of funny.

Chris and Sarah are awful people on this show, but it's so much more fun to watch with them in it. So cheers to that. They immediately get to star their date, as Blakeley misuses the word "literally" in saying that she felt like somebody stabbed a knife in her back and turned it 20 times when Chris and Sarah won. I'm not sure it literally felt like that, but maybe for melodramatic Blakeley it did.

Chris and Sarah's Date

They take a prop plane to a toy train to a barn or something. This show's budget has really been slashed, huh? I'm a little surprised they aren't just sitting on a train set while scenery paper whooshes by and a production assistant jiggles the train set and blows a wooden whistle.

It's comical that Sarah says, "I know that Chris is fresh off the break-up with Emily," like he and Emily were in some kind of serious, long-term relationship. Meanwhile, somebody clues Chris into what "serendipity" means so he can use it in a talking-head, and then make us all vomit by saying he's still healing his broken heart from Emily. *eye roll*

That night, the rhetoric continues to be all about Emily and that crap. Like that was a real "relationship." Seriously, the amount of mentions that woman gets on this show makes me wonder if ABC knows Maynard is off the air. It's like that scene in "Wayne's World" where they make fun of product placements -- Emily Maynard: little. yellow. different. Shut up about the blonde muppet.

Sarah then says two gems (seriously, I keep having to pause this to write about the stupid stuff that comes out of her mouth. This recap is going to take three hours). First, she ditzes, "I like how we started out as friends in the house and now look, we're on our second date!" Yes, that's so weird. It's not like that happens for millions of people, every day. Also, does anybody remember how you hopped in the sack with Ed? And got all crazy-eyed about him and Jaclyn? That just happened like four days ago.

Secondly, Sarah talking-heads about the good sides of Chris nobody in the house sees. Well, it's hard to see somebody's good side when he only presents the immature, frat boy, screw-anything-that-looks-at-him-sideways, tantrum-throwing side. These two deserve each other.

And Sarah, like, loves that they, like, have something, like, so unique and, like, different and special and, like, better than what everybody else has in the house. And then they roll in the hay. Literally.

She THEN says she can let her guard down for "liking a nice guy." By what definition is he a "nice guy"? Were you too busy with your tongue down Ed's throat to notice what he was doing with Blakeley and Jamie?

Is the narrative supposed to be that this is some romantic fairytale, instead of some disgusting love pentagon of STDs?

The Ponderosa


Rachel is putting on eye makeup like she's mad at her eyes, it's kind of psychotic. And everybody decides Rachel and Nick should go because Nick is such a non-entity and Rachel is such a trainwreck. She actually calls herself a widow, which is super gross.

But then Blakeley and Jaclyn have a buck-up talk with Rachel and decide Lindzi and Kalon need to go. Jaclyn makes them pinky swear not to tell anyone, though, so L/K don't work too hard to stay.

Ed and Jaclyn's Date

They get a date for coming in second place and Jaclyn thinks this will be the time they declare their love for each other, since Ed's completely humiliating shut-down of her in front of the entire house was a "miscommunication." And not him just being a player with a drinking problem who can't keep li' Ed in his pants when he's had a few.

Anyway, they jet off to some islands off the coast of California, as Jaclyn says she didn't know Cali had islands that look just like Hawaii. Which just proves Jaclyn has never been to Hawaii.

As they set up their picnic, Jaclyn talking-heads that she does not take rejection well. Based on the fact that Ed can still have children after that stunt he pulled in front of the group last week, I'd wager Jaclyn is actually kind of a doormat who takes rejection like a champ.

Then Ed has to tell her he's kind of seeing somebody back in Chicago and it got a little serious, but they broke up so he could come on "Bachelor Pad" single. OK, whomever this girl is back home -- are you kidding us with this, lady?! You agreed to break up so Ed could get knee-walking drunk and screw girls on national TV? And now he's acting like he has feelings for her? After sleeping with two different girls in the house?

Jaclyn's response? "Oof, OK." Yeah, you take rejection fine, doormat. And you'll "recover," though you have some other issues maybe you should address. Especially since she's still waffling on whether to take the overnight date with him. You do know you can stay the night without falling onto his lil' Ed, right?

Jaclyn basically then wants an explanation for why he'd say they aren't romantically involved if they slept together. She doesn't come right out and admit that's what happened, but we're all adults here (well, age-wise, at least). It's so sad to watch her see the Venn diagram of "romantically involved" and "sex" as having to overlap.

Not that it's sad to want those things -- you should have romantic feelings for someone you sleep with. But it's sad that she just had no clue what was happening, and still insists it's either/or even after he totally rejected her in front of everybody.

You can't go back and un-sleep with him, sweetheart. And he clearly is not interested in you romantically. So just accept that, try to gather up what is left of your dignity, and move along. To a good therapist.

Ed calls her "childish," which is a real d-bag move. Don't belittle her feelings, just own up to your man-whore ways. Just tell her you had a fling. Clean break. Band-aid, ripped off.

Oh, but then hilarious Jaclyn says, "I don't want to look like a whore" and Ed goes, "Well, I don't want to look like an a**hole." It's a bit late for that, guys (though I would not use the word "whore" -- her choice of words, not mine).

Also, how does getting Ed to admit you're "a couple" in the game make you not look like a whore? How does that erase hopping into bed with a drunk guy after you've known him a week while the cameras roll? It does not. It SHOULD NOT make you feel better, Jaclyn. Semantics do not fix these issues you have.

He finally admits it they're a couple, saying some very nice things to her because he can tell clearly that is the only way out of this conversation short of stabbing himself with his fork, and it still isn't enough for Jaclyn. She asks in a talking-head why he is being such a d******. Um, because he is one. And also, see how he said all the right things and it still didn't make you feel better? Time to look in the mirror, J.

What astounds me is that -- how did these girls not work out these kinds of issues in college? Isn't that what 68% of college is for a lot of girls? And remember, Jaclyn DID go to college. She ain't no "p**** waxer."

And then they make out a little. Oh, sweetie. She voiceovers that she doesn't want to end her "relationship" with Ed and that they've bonded "in more ways than one." *headsmack* This is just so, so sad.

The Ponderosa

Tony sets up a date for Blakeley, the new lady in his life. And based on what it sounds like Blakeley's dating life has been like and the fact that Tony seems like an actual good guy, he probably is a great person for her to date. But they live like thousands of miles apart, don't they? Hmm. Fingers crossed for these two crazy kids.

Side note: This recap reminds me of the time I pinch-hit on "Rock of Love Bus." That show runs 42 minutes when you can fast-forward commercials. The recap took me 2.5 hours and is a whopping 1500 words long. You know why it took so long? Because there were too many things to make fun of/comment on. I had to pause that show like every five seconds. Tonight's "Bachelor Pad" is like that.

The Scheming

Ed and Jaclyn come home with roses. They don't get them for themselves, they have to use them to keep one couple safe. Let the butt-kissing begin! Nick/Rachel, Tony/Blakeley and Lindzi/Kalon are working hard and in the end, the roses go to Blakeley and Tony. Cool.

Nick is surprised he didn't get a rose, but he should be more surprised that anyone knows his name. Anyway, clearly Nick/Rachel vote Kalon and Lindzi out, so Kalon goes to work to stick around.

Tony and Blakeley seem inclined to keep Kalon and Lindzi, which gets Nick's hackles raised. We're not sure why -- what kind of a deal between Nick and Tony was there? Did we miss that? And he turns into kind of a jerk to Tony, which isn't going to win him any votes.

So Tony and Blakeley decide they don't want to keep jerk Nick and work on Sarah/Chris to vote Nick and Rachel out. Meanwhile, Rachel calls Michael, which just feeds into her "not wanting to be here" vibe, though I don't understand why the people don't want that kind of person around. She's not going to fight, not like how Kalon and Lindzi are.

It comes down to who Jaclyn/Ed and Tony/Blakeley have voted for, since K/L and N/R vote for each other and Chris/Sarah are shown voting out K/L.

Rose Ceremony


Nick talking-heads about how furious he'll be if he's voted out. 'Cause he's been such a gamer up until now. Why does he suddenly seem like a 'roid rage Hulk? Anyway, the couple going home ends up being ... Kalon and Lindzi. Not a huge surprise. And very "meh" for everyone, I'm sure. Did anybody really care which couple went home this week?

And then in this silly storyline that is supposed to make us care about Kalon and his redemption, he jumps out of the limo and jumps into Lindzi's limo so they can ride off together. Oh, big deal. They both had to leave anyway. This is just silly.

Next week: More drama. And apparently they have to sing? In front of girls hired to scream and act excited? Hmph.

Photo/Video credit: ABC