'Bachelor Pad' premiere: Justin 'Rated-R' vs. King Ding-a-ling Kasey

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Are you ready for all the flirting, drama and tears of "Bachelor Pad" Season 2? I can hardly wait. Chris Harrison welcomes us by saying that "Bachelor Pad" is the home for the men and women who did not find love on "The Bachelor" or "Bachelorette." He fails to say "some of the men and women," because if it were all the men and women who didn't find love, "Bachelor Pad" would be held in a football stadium.

Also - this is three hours long, so strap in, peeps. Hope you're still here at the end.

Run-down of the contestants. Highlights include:

  • Reliving Justin "Rated-R" Rego's wussy romp through the bushes trying to get away from Ali.
  • Michelle Money is back and I still hate her. She's crazy, she's not as funny as she thinks she is, and she's super-fake looking. You can't even win me over with the "dad has cancer" thing. Sorry. I feel bad for him, but you're still a horrible person.
  • Gia's notepad of heartbreak is hilarious. And it doesn't even mention her crash 'n dash with MLB pitcher Carl Pavano.
  • We join Vienna and her cross-eyed-cat-look as she's getting spray-tanned. Offff course we do. Also, she's dating Kasey "Guard and Protect Your Heart" Kahl. Which really grosses me out, but Kasey delightfully says of Jake, "I'm going to go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." Hee!
  • Tiny Jake is back and he's as smarmy as ever. I haven't liked him since Jillian's season.
  • There's some Erica girl from a season I didn't watch, but I already want to punch her in the face. Which says a lot considering the company she's in.
  • Ella recalls the story of her mom being murdered in front of her - um, did we know that from her season? Jeezus. I don't remember knowing that about her.
  • Holly Durst and Michael Stagliano are a recently broken-up pair. They were engaged. Yikes for them, but also awesome for us.

The Meet 'n Greet, highlights include:

  • Michelle gets there and says, "Being here is blowing my mind, literally." No! Not LITERALLY. That is one of my biggest grammatical pet peeves. We can only wish your mind was literally being blown, Michelle.
  • Holly is immediately smitten with Blake, who ... looks just like her ex-fiance Michael. Seriously, Michael, Blake and Kirk may as well all be the same dude.
  • "Rated-R" arrives and Chris Harrison says, "Last time we saw you, Ali said goodbye." He really means "Ali chased you through the bushes because you were a hobbling little weenie."
  • Vienna and Gia arrive and you could cut the bitchiness with a knife.
  • Michael arrives and it's super-awkward between him and Holly.
  • Jake finally arrives and it's double-super-awkward, with the smarminess turned up to 11. Jake is trying really, really hard to be normal and make small-talk. But he also says he's "scared for [his] safety" because Kasey wants to fight him. But you played the young Chuck Norris! Don't be scared of Kasey.
  • But Jake and Kasey talk and it's fine and civil. Boring. I demand fisticuffs!


Hook-Up Challenge

It's a couples challenge, so everyone starts scrambling to pair up. Jackie and Ames are making out by the next morning, but they decide to partner with different people so they can stay in the game longer with each other. Interesting.

At the challenge, the couples have to suspend the guy from a hook in a harness and he has to hold the girl up as long as he can. Last couple standing wins.

Will drops Gia after like 10 minutes, but he says he still "won" because he got to hold on to the hottest girl ever to be on the show. Um, no, she's not. Sorry.

Lots of couples drop after that. Notably Michelle Money hangs upside down from Ames and her boobs look scary and gross. Put those things away, girl. It comes down to Kasey/Vienna and Jake/Jackie.

Jake and Jackie look way more comfortable than K/V. Kasey tells Vienna not to talk because it ruins his strength. *snerk* Maybe he needs a strength tattoo. Jake's one leg is so asleep his foot is purple, but he pulls it out as Vienna and Kasey drop. Jake smarms, "Jake the Bachelor is back."

Meanwhile, Vienna is livid that Kasey dropped her. Geez, lady. He did his best and it was for almost 40 minutes. She's really bitchy about it with him, too. Seems like a good girl to be in love with, Kase.

WE HAVE HIT THE HALFWAY POINT, PEOPLE

Vienna seems to equate "protecting her and not letting anything happen to her" with "holding her up while in a harness." She blames Kasey for not "making it easier for her." Oh my god, lady. That challenge was not a one-man show, take some responsibility! Also, perhaps a man can still be awesome even if he can't hold you over some padding the longest.

Jake and Jackie's Date

Ames is bummed because Jackie is his new cuddle-buddy and now she's going on a date with someone else. They find out that on the date, Jake and Jackie get a third rose to give out to someone they want to keep safe. So in light of this, people start scheming in the house. Michelle, Vienna, Kasey, Kirk, Michael, Holly etc. want Justin "Rated-R" to go with them.

But Rated-R doesn't go with them and gets caught switching sides at the Bachelor manse. Kasey gloats about catching Rated-R in his treachery, but he says it would be "ironic" to leave him on a glacier, which - no, it wouldn't actually be ironic. But maybe it would "literally" blow your mind.

We finally get to the actual date. Jake and Jackie are on Hollywood Blvd and a little girl starts crying over Jake. Wow, that is really surprising. Production probably planted her there. But if not, it's kind of adorable on the girl's part and Jake handles it really well, so good for him.

They eat dinner atop the marquee at the El Capitan theatre and Jackie seems to like Jake so far. At dinner, Jake tells Jackie the Vienna story at her behest. He definitely comes off as a nice guy who got screwed over by crazy Vienna.

Personally, I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other with Jake and Vienna, though I do think his angry side showed during the break-up special during Brad's "Bachelor" season.

He tries to explain his angry outburst during said special to Jackie and says that he needs to have one final talk with Vienna about it. Hmmm. That ought to be fun. But then Jackie suggests they give their third rose to Vienna as a peace offering. Oh my god, no! Stupid game move.

The Next Day

Jackie and Jake can't decide who to give the rose to. Jackie is not so sure about giving it to Vienna anymore and thinks maybe they should just give it to someone who doesn't matter. Jackie hems and haws like a little girl and tells Jake to decide for her. One giant step forward for women's lib.

Jake floats the Vienna-rose idea to Justin and Rated-R says no way. Yes. That is a terrible game move. But Jake's "heart" tells him to give the rose to Vienna. Ughhhh. Gia tries to talk some sense into him, but he's pretty into the idea of mending fences by giving Vienna the rose.

In the end, Jake and Jackie give the rose to Vienna. He says he would like to talk to Vienna and Kasey in private. Meanwhile, Gia cries and cries about how it should've been her and how Jake didn't think about her feelings and keeping her safe. It's all about you, Gia! ALL ABOUT YOU! Cry and say "like" some more, just for good measure.

In private, Jake tells Vienna/Kasey that he's sorry about his angry outburst in the break-up special. He says you don't talk to people like that. Which - yeah, you don't. But this all seems like a stunt to rehab Jake's image put on by "Bachelor Pad."

Vienna calls it torture that he apologized and says it made her sick. To Jake, she just kind of grabs her rose and storms off. Well, now Jake comes off like a nice guy again and she seems like a crazy b****. And Kasey calls Jake a "piece of s***," then we see creepy night-vision footage of Kasey and Vienna climbing into bed together naked. Ewww. I feel so gross seeing that. It's like "To Catch a Predator" stuff or something. I need a shower.

Also - STOP SAYING THE WORD "PROTECT," KASEY! We get it! We know about your stupid tattoo (which IS stupid), stop saying you are going to "protect" your girlfriend like you're a Knight of the Round Table. Just stop.

Gia's only shot is trying to deal with Kasey, but he's not really having any of it. Vienna wanders up and she's very suspicious about Gia talking to her boyfriend and not at all subtle. Because Kasey and Vienna are so in love and trust each other.

The Vote

Everybody individually goes into the "deliberation room," where they sacrifice a miniature doll look-alike of who they want to vote out. Not really, but doesn't it look like that's what is going to happen in there?

Alli gets wind that it seems to be her vs. Gia for the voted-out girl, so she starts scrambling. "Rated-R" blames her for his name being on the block and he's pretty sure he's going home, so he also starts scrambling too, but it may be too late.

Blake (I think) starts working to get girls to vote Kasey off instead of Justin and Jake is on board, so is Ames. So will it work?

The girls voting to eliminate Kase are (supposedly) Ella, Melissa, Jackie and Alli - they need Gia, so Jake goes to work on Gia. She whines and cries about Jake not giving her the rose, but in the end (like all these helpless-appendage-of-men girls), she goes, "What should I do?"

Rose Ceremony

The roses go to Ames, Erica (and can I just say - Erica walks down to get her rose like she's Jessica freakin' Rabbit. Seriously, if she's not a drag queen I will eat my hat), Blake, Holly, William, Michelle, Kirk, Ella, Michael, Melissa and Graham before the final roses.

It's two roses for Kasey/Justin/Alli/Gia. The two roses go to ... Kasey and Gia. So Alli and Justin are going home.

Justin looks fake-peeved, in that wrestler sort of way. Alli just looks drunk. Rated-R doesn't even want to shake hands, he just tells Kasey that he has "to get the little pilot to save his girl." Kasey is all gloat-y and makes a gay joke about Justin wrestling other guys. Sigh.

Meanwhile, Alli just kind of slinks off crying and nobody is sad, which is sad in itself.

But this season on "Bachelor Pad"!: hot air balloons, kissing, tongue kissing, sports cars, yachts, airplanes, mansions, massages, ski lifts, cirque du soleil, fires, cuddling, kissing, confessions, love triangles, drama, more drama, confrontations, tears, tears, tears, more tears, kissing, partners, promise rings, back-stabbings, confrontations, tears, fame-whore calling and money, money, money. Awesome.

And then! Jeff of the Mask is there! Oh my god, awesome. And so creepy!

Photo/Video credit: ABC