'Bachelor Pad': They say that love, it don't come easy
Blakeley sums it up nicely in the opening few frames when she calls him "the s*** on the bottom of my shoe." But then Stagliano hilariously one-ups her with, "Chris is taking up all the a**hole space in the house."
Kalon tells Chris the truth -- he's a loose cannon that nobody likes and he won't listen to anyone (because he has the emotional maturity of a 10-year-old). And so Chris decides he has to confront Ed about the lies. Um, Chris does realize it's every man for himself, right? Has he never watched a reality competition show before that doesn't revolve around getting in some girl's pants? These guys aren't playing to win Chris the money.
As Ed and Chris get heated, Chris says repeatedly, "I'm a grown-a** man." I'm pretty sure whomever feels the need to say that is actually the exact opposite of a "grown-a** man." And it really takes a lot to make Ed look like the mature, non-jerk, so congratulations, Chris.
The title, "The Great Fall of China," is pretty awesome. I like that. You have to end up with six cups and six saucers, you must start over if you drop any. People are crying foul because Blakeley waitressed for a long time and apparently it makes it lousy that it was at Hooters. Oh, who cares. Also, good for her. Stop crying. What kind of challenge would cater to Erica's strengths? Plastic surgery under-going?
And it's not so easy, even for Blakeley. It's a hard challenge. It comes down to Sarah vs. Blakeley with six cups and Sarah touches her cup. She acts all outraged and like it's so unfair and something about Olympic swimmers (Sarah's dumb, y'all), but -- you broke a rule. If you hadn't touched your cup, they would have fallen and that was a rule. Cry me a river. And also, good for Blakeley.
When the guys start, Chris is annoyed that Blakeley is coaching her partner, Tony. Yes, that's a personal affront to you. It's not like she'd want to see her partner win or anything. Also, the guys have such an advantage on this because the trays for the cups/saucers are small and the guys' hands are so much bigger. That probably also helped Blakeley -- she's one of the tallest women, hence bigger hands maybe.
Sarah is also freaking out about Blakeley's coaching. Because Sarah is just as dumb and immature as Chris. In the end, Tony wins and everybody's pretty happy because now they can easily vote out Chris the d-bag. Tony is also very appreciative of Blakeley's coaching. He's adorable.
This is Chris' "worst nightmare," y'all. Worst. Just like how the worst thing that has ever happened to Ed is failing at Hot Sludge Fun Day. Anyway, Blakeley chooses to take Tony on her date, so she gives her rose to Kalon, the exact person Chris doesn't want it to go to. Heh.
He and Lindzi get date no. 1, because Blakeley and Tony choose the overnight date. Not in a we're gonna hook-up way, just because it's a night away and the date is probably awesome.
Lindzi gets a bangin' set of diamond/sapphire bracelet and earrings to wear on the "Pretty Woman" date and everybody's jealous, but -- let's remember that movie is about a prostitute. And Lindzi doesn't get to keep it, I'm sure.
The date is dinner on a shut-down bridge, which ... hmm. That's OK, but also kind of someone's actual nightmare. I have a recurring bridge nightmare. Yikes. Anyway, Kalon gets all schmoopy telling Lindzi how much he cares about her and how great it was to find her. Is this his big redemption arc? Because he hasn't been enough of a villain for this to mean anything, ya know? It's just all kind of blah. Good for them, if they found each other. That's great. But this doesn't exactly have squeals ringing out all over the country, right?
Chris says he's going to drink 'til he passes out. Oh, if wishing made it so. He then says he went from King of the castle to servant. Um, you are grossly exaggerating what your position was like prior to your Blakeley vs. Jamie shenanigans last week. Chris then actually says, "I'm definitely going home, but I'm going to go out like a man. I'm not going to go out without taking somebody with me." OH. MY. GOD. Can he hear himself? And who are his role models that he thinks that is how you behave like a man?
Chris also thinks he can get the guys to vote Lindzi out as payback for Kalon snaking him on voting out Blakeley last week. Yeah, good luck with that. Because everybody definitely wants to do what the d-bag thinks they should do.
Blakeley and Tony's Date
Tony "says" he wants to see if there's anything romantic between them. Hmm. The romantic spark doesn't really seem there, but you never know. Also, Chris feels the need to warn Tony about how overpowering Blakeley is. That may be true, but Chris -- it also might just seem that way because you're a scared little boy who is intimidated by strong women and hence why you quickly threw Blakeley over for Jamie and then Sarah.
The date starts with a jeep and Sarah and Chris make themselves feel better by making fun of how mad Blakeley must be by this "crappy" date. And Erica calls her trashy. *sigh*
After they drive for awhile, they pull up to an Airstream trailer out in the mountains. It doesn't seem very fancy, there has to be a catch somewhere, right? But then maybe not. They grill their own dinner and just talk under the stars. Which is not a bad date at all, but when your expectations are so high ... I'd be disappointed at first too. Heh.
They talk a little, but then there's this super-cute moment where they say they should live in the moment and see where it goes and then make googly eyes at each other. That was pretty squeal-worthy, right? Adorable!
Then Tony puts the radio in the Jeep on (but it seems super fake, it makes like "radio in the 1950s movie" sound and -- is that the Wes song? The "love it don't come easy" song? Oh god. OH GOD. *stabs self with a fork*
And Tony and Blakeley make out, then head into their trailer. Heh. It's kind of appropriate this song scores the date that's in a trailer.
The Ponderosa Part II
Chris is going after the "condescending liar" Kalon, so he approaches Ed to try to make peace in order to get Ed to vote out Lindzi. Ed the doofus seems to glom right on to the plan.
Meanwhile, Stagliano sets up a really romantic interlude for himself and Rachel at the mansion. Aww. Hope those two crazy kids make it.
The Last Rose
Chris goes to Tony and "jokingly" says he owes Chris one for treating Blakeley like dirt and therefore sending her running into Tony's arms. Um. You guys, I'm running out of ways with this. Running out.
But then he spills the plan to Tony to get Lindzi out. Which -- if Tony isn't down with being your bro, bro, you just told him how to sabotage your plan! And his big argument is that Kalon is sketchy, so the way to cut him off is to get rid of Lindzi. Which is the exact same argument you turn right around on Chris -- you've been super sketchy, so the best thing is to just send you and your stupid hook-up partner out the door.
Tony actually does not seem to smell what Chris is shoveling. He goes to Blakeley saying that Sarah is a genuinely good person and that it's all because of her that they're together. Or it's because Chris is a huge d-bag! OR THAT!
Dude, Tony, it seemed as though you were smarter than this. Stagliano would never fall for this load of horse pucky. Blakeley is pretty shocked at Tony's reaction too, but she doesn't get to decide who gets the rose.
But before Tony can give out the rose, Chris takes Tony out to talk to him privately. Chris sucks, y'all. Just straight-up sucks. Thankfully, Tony gives the rose to Jaclyn.
The Cocktail Party
Everybody's pretty up front about voting Sarah out along with Chris, until Harrison drops by to chat. He brings up the "real" couples in the house and when Harrison asks about Jaclyn and Ed, Ed just completely says nope, we're not together. I'm not here for love, I'm here for the game. And Jaclyn is kind of crushed to hear that. What a jerk, dude. Even if you feel that way, you don't say it like that and in front of everybody. How mortifying and completely disrespectful. Here's another guy who is lucky he didn't get punched in the throat (on several occasions).
Anyway, Harrison also has a twist -- everybody votes tonight on the woman who is leaving and that woman picks who is leaving with her. Huh. So they can't vote for Sarah anymore because she'll keep Chris safe. Interesting twist, actually. And as much as Chris deserves to get kicked off (and then run over by a bus), he does make the show more fun to watch.
Stagliano starts scheming with his alliance to vote out Erica because she'll take Chris down with her, but it's a huge risk because she might blow a gasket and take Stagliano down with her. So Stag's plan is to plant a seed with Erica that Chris is trying to get her voted out.
Meanwhile, Ed and Jaclyn talk privately and she's trying hard not to cry. He astutely says, "We need to have a conversation about that, I guess." Um, dude, yes. So the time was not to drop that ball before the conversation and IN FRONT OF the whole house, you twit.
Back to the scheming. Stagliano makes his play for Erica, who says Nick and Sarah are voting for Lindzi and she probably will also. She also encourages Jaclyn to vote for Lindzi and then Jaclyn rather magically tells Erica that Chris is going to vote for her. How did Jaclyn know to do that? It's like we missed a step.
Erica immediately confronts Chris, which everybody should have known she would do. Man, you gotta plant that seed and then keep her on a leash! Have you never watched "Big Brother"?
She also informs Chris she keeps hearing that Chris is orchestrating her ouster and that she's taking him out if she goes home. So Chris takes her inside to the voting room and shows her who he is voting for, which is Lindzi. Wow, that's a good move. First good move of the game for Chris. And Stagliano is sweating bullets.
The Rose Ceremony
The women come down to Erica vs. Lindzi, obviously. And in a nice surprise, Lindzi gets a rose, so Erica is leaving. Heh. And so now -- who does she take down with her? You know she is just loving having this kind of power for five seconds as she waves her stupid crystal gavel around.
Erica chooses Michael to leave and all the girls start crying except Sarah. Rachel tells Stagliano she doesn't want to stay without him, but he insists that she stay. Seriously, try to win. It's only like a few more weeks. You're going to see him again! They don't drive him down the mountain and shoot him.
And Rachel starts to get into it with Erica and Erica says Michael is a crappy person and a a crappy friend, THEN she says the smartest thing Holly ever did was dumping Michael and marrying Blake, because now she's with a real man. Wow, that is crappy. Not that one should expect anything better from crazypants psycho Erica.
In the limo, Erica is patting herself on the back. Because when you're so deluded and have really nothing going on in your life except plastic surgery and being some kind of socialite, these are the kinds of things you find pleasure in. Kind of like how Chris thought being a man would be to take somebody down with him.
Meanwhile, Rachel cries and says she feels lost and laments the "unsaid" things. Oh, jeezus. Suck it up, lady. He's not DEAD! These people get so Stockholm Syndrome-y, it's gross.
Next week: Rachel's breakdown continues. They are now competing as couples from here on out. And Ed is an even bigger scumbag (seriously, dude, you hooked up with TWO girls on the show. Something tells us this girl you're pursing at home no longer is interested in being pursued).