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emily-maynard-bachelorette-bachelors-abc.jpgWe're in ... well, I forget already. Croatia somewhere, but the name of the place is obscured by the local channel's promo for "Local Casting Call" for The Bachelor. So take that, Croatia! I suppose I could look it up on last week's recap, but ... nah.

"It really is like being in a different world," says Emily. It's also like stepping back "into" time. Ricki's been bundled off back home to Charlotte with her babysitter, because things are going to sexy soon. When Croatia's rockin', don't come knockin'!

So then the nimrod bachelors come barreling in on a boat like outside fauna that should be restricted from entering lest it upset the balanced ecosystem, and if Emily's looking for a husband who can only describe things the way fourteen-year-old boys would, this is a fine crop right here, because everything is "awesome" and "so cool" and one of the guys is "so freakin' pumped." "Jef" says Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love. Remember every other season of The Bachelor/ette, when contestants would say things like, "This is nice, but it's no Croatia"?

Chris the Eagle hopes for a one-on-one date. "It's very important for me to remind Emily who I am," he says, unintentionally summing up exactly why this awful program isn't the romantic fairytale it makes itself out to be.