'Big Brother 12': Hayden wins!

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" Big Brother 12" ends a less than stellar season with a finale to match. Two hours = too long.

Previously: The whole season happened. It was kind of boring. I was wondering how they were going to fill two hours, but it all became clear very quickly: extra-long season recap! Excuse me while I take a nap.

The Brigade's Last Stand

Finally, it's time to get this show started. Julie, backed by a raucous live audience (and the ZINGBOT!), welcomes us to the finale. She clues us into what will happen over the two hours, and then throws it to the house to chart the inevitable destruction of The Brigade. Who will turn against who first? Enzo laments his position in not being able to play for HoH, because there is a good chance now he won't make it to the end. Hayden realizes he's unbeatable in final two, so starts working on Lane to devalue all of his accomplishments in the house so Lane will be more inclined to take him to final two. Lane, in the diary room, talks about probably not being able to beat Hayden in final two. In my opinion, the only slam dunk is Hayden. If it's Lane vs. Enzo, I'm not sure who wins.

Britney Joins the Jury
Although Ragan doesn't want to see her, Britney strolls into the house wearing a Brigade "alternate" shirt. Hee. She immediately drops the bomb of their alliance on everyone. Ragan is hurt that he was just a pawn to Matt. Then something happens that, dear readers, truly makes me mad. Ragan immediately assumes The Brigade was all Matt's idea, and Britney tells them about Enzo taking credit -- which, as we've seen from the show, is the truth. It was pretty much Enzo's idea. Matt then claims it was ALL HIS IDEA and that if he was in the final four he would have taken the rest of them out "without a doubt." Shut up, Matt.

The Rural Jurors

The jury gets together to talk about all three remaining players, even though a lot of this conversation is pointless because only two people make it to the end. Hey, they have to fill two hours somehow! Rachel's theory of why The Brigade worked so well is that they got "lucky," because the rest of them were too busy taking each other out so they just slipped by. Presumably, she means while everyone was trying to get rid of HER. That's not all luck, dear. Thank goodness, everyone else disagrees with her. Ragan and Britney point out the brilliance of the plan for each member to bring in an outside person in order to get seven votes and control the house. Kathy asks who started the alliance, and Matt says they all started it together but he put together all of the details. Rachel gives Enzo props for playing the best social game, and they all give Hayden his due as a competitor. Ragan says some bad things about Lane, and Britney immediately jumps to his defense.

Final HOH
Hayden and Lane finally face off in the final round of the HoH Competition, and it's the same game they play every year: they must guess how a jury member will complete a sentence. Apparently, Hayden and Lane share a brain because they answer all of the questions the same, and are forced to go to the dreaded chalkboard tiebreaker. Their question? How many times did they get slammed into the wall during the "Rumble in the Jungle" competition. Remember that? It was funny. Hayden answers 91, and Lane answers 55. Hayden is closer (the correct answer is 250!!!) and wins the final HoH competition. Who will he take to the final two with him?

I can't believe there's still an hour an ten minutes left.

Final Eviction
Fortunately, no time is wasted waiting for Hayden to evict either Enzo or Lane. Hayden, then, does something kind of crazy. He evicts ENZO. Enzo!! The person who I am sure he could beat! What the heck? Did Hayden just make a Colby Donaldson-sized mistake? In his exit interview, Enzo says he isn't surprised because he had a great social game. (Competitions? Eh.) Enzo looks like a little boy sitting on that couch. Why don't his feet touch the ground? In his goodbye message, Hayden confirms that he evicted Enzo because of his great social game.

Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition

Rachel goes first, and asks Lane: "How can anyone vote for you when you are sucky at competitions, and I am awesome?" Or something like that. Lane mentions his well-rounded game, stressing the social at the beginning and his competition skills at the end. Brendon then asks Hayden who he would like to see in the end if The Brigade didn't make it. Hayden says the two best competitors in the house were Brendon and Britney, so he chooses them. Matt, bless him, asks Lane an actually interesting question: if he made it to the end and Britney was still there, would he have taken her or a member of The Brigade? Lane doesn't really answer the question, until Julie calls him out and he weaselly answers "a Brigade member." Kathy wants to know what Hayden thinks of the social game in the hosue, and Hayden thinks he and Lane's were very similar. Oh, and he kicked Lane's butt in competitions. Ha. Ragan asks Hayden if he regrets anything he's said behind any of the jury members' backs, which is kind of a strange question. What are people telling Ragan that Hayden is saying? Hayden says he is a nice guy, which he seems to be. Enzo asks if Lane was really going to take him to the final two, and Lane (again) doesn't answer the question. Lame, Lane.

Seriously. There are 45 minutes left. What's there to do but tally the votes?!?

Final Plea
When it's time to make their final statements to the jury, Hayden stresses his dominance in competitions, especially his final three HoH wins in a row. Wow. How does that work? Hayden claims that he deserves to win the game because of his overall strategy of social and physical. Lane quibbles with Hayden's assertion that Lane only won one competition (he actually won two) and says he thinks he played a great overall game as well. Now, finally, it's time to vote!

The Non-Jurors Return
Before we find out who wins, it's time to bring back the players no one cares about: Annie, Monet, Andrew and Kristen. Julie brings up Monet's catty talk behind Rachel's back and asks her if she has any regrets, and Monet basically says "oh, no, I meant everything." Ha. Interesting they didn't mention how Britney was doing the same thing. Next, awesomely, Julie drops the video bomb on Hayden and Kristen's relationship. The whole house loves it, and honestly I sort of did as well. Kristen confirms that she's broken up with her boyfriend at home, but is very non-committal about her future with Hayden. Andrew mentions Matt's lie about his wife, and Hayden, Lane and Enzo are kind of shocked, but take it much better than the rest of the house did.

Seriously: longest. finale. ever.

When we get back from break, Julie confirms for Britney that Lane would have taken her to the final two if given the shot. Brendon then confirms that he has brainwashed Rachel into moving to UCLA to be with him. Britney shows her disgust, and reaffirms that she's always said Rachel should be true to herself and stay in Vegas. Next, it's Saboteur time. The houseguests take turns guessing who it could be, and not ONE of them says Ragan's name.

The Winner - Finally!

Julie starts revealing the votes, and the biggest shocker to me is that Brendon and Rachel -- the two people who talked like competition was the most important thing -- voted for Lane. They are weird. The votes split 3-3, and it fittingly all comes down to Enzo's vote to break the tie. Enzo votes for his boy Hayden, and so Hayden takes the victory. I must admit that he's been my favorite since week one, so I am definitely OK with this outcome. I don't love that it seemed to take 40 months to get there, but whatever. I mean, I'm not dreaming. This was the longest, slowest season ever, right?

America's Favorite Houseguest

In the five seconds she has left in the show, Julie quickly reveals that Britney won favorite houseguest. Yay! I totally made that happen! I don't quite understand how they couldn't have timed that better consider there was about 1 hour 45 minutes of filler in this episode. Oh, who cares. Go Britney!


Random thoughts:
  • The guys' homemade shirts say "The Bra-gade." Do they REALLY spell it like that? I refuse, because that is stupid.
  • Britney is really very adorable (when she's not being a bitch). I wonder when they are going to tell her about her house burning down? Poor Brit. At least she won some cash.
  • Why was Hayden's sister dressed like Bret Michaels? Is she shooting the new season on "Rock of Love" or something?
  • Britney looked spectacular in her little sparkly black dress. I want it.

Favorite quotes:
  • "I'm the mastermind, I'm the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself." - Enzo, on being the outsider
  • "Sounding a little bitter there, Matt..." - Julie Chen
  • "My decision is between who needs a haircut and who needs a shave." - Enzo

This is my last recap for Zap2it, so I just wanted to say that it's been a fun ride. If you want to keep up with my television ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter at TVandDinners. Thanks for reading!

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Photo credit: CBS