'Big Brother 12': Yep, Rachel still sucks

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You know its a slow live episode of " Big Brother 12" when the most interesting part is the peek in at the jury house!

Previously: zzzzzzzz.

Julie welcomes us to the live show and warns that tonight, all we will be seeing is the completion of parts one and two of the HoH competition. Really, show? That's it? There better be some juicy footage from the jury house to keep this thing interesting, otherwise we'll all just be left wondering why we didn't simply wrap up the entire season tonight.

HoH Competition - Continued

We pick up right where we left the boys yesterday, hanging on ropes in the backyard and being tortured by Big Brother. From the diary room whining, we learn that apparently being slammed into walls, doused with freezing cold water and forced to sit on a tiny little seat is uncomfortable. You don't say! Unsurprisingly, Enzo is the first person knocked out of the competition. After quite a while longer, Lane falls and Hayden takes the first part of the competition.

Behind the Man, the Myth, the Meow Meow
In this week's edition of Behind the Houseguest, we visit Enzo's family in Bayonne, New Jersey. His wife, Joella, is beautiful and his daughter Gia is adorable. Seriously, his life looks pretty sweet. Also: he has a picture of himself with a monkey! Awesome.

The Jury House

Before the show tackles part two of the HoH, we get a glimpse into what's shaking at the jury house. Matt is wearing those weird skull and crossbones footie pajamas again. Why, Matt, why? After Ragan comes in the house and shows them his eviction DVD, Matt pulls him aside to tell him about his big wife lie. Ragan does not take it well. Ragan then comes clean about his true profession, and Rachel somehow uses this as a springboard for her persecution complex. Ragan tries to make her understand why her social game failed, but she seriously cannot even process what he is saying. It's like while he is talking, she's thinking about her hair extensions. Or world peace. You know, whatever.

Final HoH Competition - Part Two
Lane and Enzo are both competing for a chance to take on Hayden for the coveted final HoH. Interestingly, this final competition isn't a head-to-head battle but a solo endeavor, with each player going separately. The game itself is the very familiar face morph competition. Lane goes first, and we quickly learn why these competitions have not been live in the past: because they are DEADLY BORING when we don't have the diary room commentary. Wow. Enzo goes next and doesn't seem to have nearly as quick a strategy as Lane. SHOCKING! Both guys managed to answer all pictures correctly, but Lane did it 30 seconds faster and moves on to the finals.

Julie then breaks my heart by telling us there is an episode Sunday night. A "never before seen footage episode." BLERG. Can't we just skip right to Wednesday's finale?

Favorite quotes:
  • "If you both fall, I'm taking one of yous to the final two." - Enzo
  • "Enzo, if I could move my lower half right now I would crawl to you and slap you." - Lane
  • "I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away." - Ragan
  • "Rachel, we don't share a common reality. So there's no point in us trying to have a conversation about your take vs. my take on things." - Ragan
  • "You're right. The problem was with everybody else, and not you." - Ragan, to Rachel (I changed my mind! Ragan for favorite houseguest!) (I'm very fickle.)

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Photo Credit: CBS