Charlie Sheen: CBS 'picked a fight with a warlock,' should apologize while licking his feet
Charlie insists he is clean - "Look at me. Duh. Drug tests don't lie." When asked when the last time was he did drugs, he says, "Don't remember, don't care. Drug tests don't lie, scoreboard doesn't lie."
So how did Sheen get clean?
"I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind. Had to unload 22 years of fiction and just decided that I don't believe that any more and I know my own truth and I stand on that right now."
Rossen asks what "fiction" Charlie is referring to and he says, "The fiction of AA ... It's a silly book written by a broken down fool. They think it's a one size fits all, but it didn't fit me and I'm tired of subscribing to something with a 5% success rate. As a retired gambler, I need better odds than that."
When asked why he did drugs in the first place and if boredom had anything to do with it, Charlie first laughs and says it wasn't out of boredom, then a minute later says it was out of boredom.
Charlie laughs, "No, I did [drugs] because they work. Change the way you see things, change the way you feel. And yeah, when you're a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that's why people do them."
"I don't know that I'd call it out of control, it's just that the choices I was making were not leading to the results that I wanted," Sheen continues. "So I woke up and said, 'Dude, you're 45 with five kids. Let's do something different because this thing is boring. I got bored is what happened."
Part of Sheen's efforts to get sober included "home rehab," which they couldn't technically call it because they aren't certified. So instead they started calling his house "Sober Valley Lodge."
"We wouldn't allow AA to be part of it, we wouldn't let AA to contaminate the Sober Valley Lodge and as a result, it's primary client achieved radical success," Sheen says, seemingly bragging.
Rossen asks Sheen if he's embarrassed that one day his five children will read about all this drama and drug abuse. Sheen's response?
"God, no. Talk about an education. And they're [seeing this scandal] and then that's the guy and he's our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth. Wow, winning! It's how you perceive it."
In terms of "Two and a Half Men" and his relationship with CBS, Sheen says, "I think my passion is interpreted as anger sometimes and I don't think people are ready for the message that I'm delivering. And delivering with a sense of violent love."
"We're definitely at war. The war is they're trying to destroy my family and I take great umbrage with that. Defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock," says Sheen. "They're trying to take all my money and leave me with no means to support my family, it's not rocket science. With zeal and focus and violent hatred."
Sheen points out that for CBS he hits his mark, nails his lines, nails every joke in front of a full house. Rossen asks if Sheen ever missed a day of work and Sheen says, "Um, not a day that cost anybody any money ... We're talking about practice, to quote the great Allen Iverson. 'Cmon guys, we're talkin' about practice!'"
Sheen then has a series of questions for "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre, detailing allegedly said there were no scripts to shoot and that Lorre said the crew was not his problem when facing a shut-down after firing Sheen. With the questions, Sheen is "just putting these out there because they warrant an explanation. Clearly he didn't bring gum for everyone."
What about people who worry about him, worry that he'll OD?
"They can worry all they want ... [ODing is] for amateurs. I've always had a plan, I've executed it perfectly. Sometimes I overshoot the mark, whatever."
How will he stay sober and not relapse into drug use?
"I just won't do it. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written, it was written for normal people, people that aren't special, people that don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
Sheen says other people who relapsed "allowed defeat to be an option." "I will not [allow defeat]. I'm not saying I'll never have a glass of champagne again or a glass of wine because those are things you celebrate with. I have no interest in cocaine."
And as for working in Hollywood again after this drama has played out in the media, Charlie says:
"First of all, come Wednesday morning they're going to rename it Charlie Brothers and not Warner Brothers. It's like, 'Duh. Winning.' C'mon guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. C'mon bro, I won Best Picture at 20, I wasn't even trying, I wasn't even warm. I've got Roman Coppola with a brilliant script, I've got David Ward with 'Major League 3.' They're so excited I might be available because I haven't been for eight years."
And does he owe CBS an apology?
"No. They owe me a big one. Publicly. While licking my feet."
Honestly, this is too much. Is this for real? Or is this the biggest Andy Kaufman shenanigan ever perpetrated? It's probably for real and that makes us sad.