'Dallas' recap: Who Stuck J.R. in a Nursing Home?

dallas.jpgEverything seems to have been pretty peaceful on Southfork in the years since we last checked in on the Ewing clan. This doesn't last, of course. Bobby, whose been running things with his wife Ann, finds out he has cancer, but doesn't want to tell anybody until he's had a chance to dramatically clutch at his abdomen in pain a few times. His adopted son Christopher returns home looking for investors to fund his new alternative fuel project. When the investors shy away, Bobby decides to give him the money by selling Southfork. Like these people don't just have jillions of dollars at the ready. He aims to sell Southfork to a conservancy that will keep the land pristine, just like his mama wanted. His nephew, John Ross, has other ideas. Weaselly ideas. He and his girlfriend Elena sneak around and discover a huge amount of oil on the Ewing property, but Bobby forbids their drilling it.

John Ross goes fussing to his daddy about it. This is J.R. Ewing himself, once Dallas's foremost oil baron and ladies' man, now sitting unresponsive and alone in a (very fancy) nursing home. He's roused from his coma-like depression upon hearing Junior's news. He puts on his thinking cap - his cowboy hat - and starts coming up with ways to get Southfork back for himself. This involves all manner of shady double-dealings.

Meanwhile, Christopher is getting ready to marry his fiancée Rebecca. She seems sweet, but girl has some crazy eyes on her. Disappointingly, fisticuffs do not break out at the wedding, even though there's plenty of bad blood between Christopher and John Ross. It turns out Elena and Christopher were once engaged, but Christopher broke up with Elena via a ****ty email. Except he didn't! So maybe it was John Ross who really sent the email so he could have Elena for himself! Except he didn't! It's the dullest subplot of the episode.