'Dancing With The Stars' recap: The Hills Aren't Alive

dwts-elim-week-3.jpgLast night, everyone cried and sobbed and called their loved ones and apologized for everything and made coffee. At least that's what I assume happened based on what I've seen on television commercials about how we, as Americans, express emotions. Maybe someone made oatmeal. I don't know.

We're not even going to waste time on bull****. Miss Mary J. Blige is on hand to sing "Real Love" while Val and his professional partner dance. Have you guys heard Mary's cover of U2's "One," performed with U2? It's amazing. You really should go download it right now. Go ahead! I'll wait and listen to it with headphones on. Anyway, as a result, Mary J. can do no wrong in my book. I'm trying to figure out what dance Val and his partner are doing. I think it's the samba, based on the samba rolls, but it's super fast.

And now we're getting right to some results. They keep emphasizing that Chaz is at the bottom of the leaderboard. Or the top of the loserboard, depending on how you want to look at it. I feel like that means he's staying, and it will be SHOCKING. Anyway, the judges felt like Chaz was distracted during the routine, and I agree. I don't know if it was because he didn't know the steps as well or due to the injuries or what, but he was in and out of focus. Ricki and Derek got the highest scores of the night. They show a little clip of them talking just before their dance began, and Derek says, "I have you. I have you. Always." That's what I like about Derek over Mark. I feel like Derek is probably tough in rehearsals, and he challenges his partners, but he makes them feel really safe on the dance floor. Like he goes out of his way to make them look good and they know he will help as needed and they won't be left floundering. I don't feel like Mark does that.

Anyway, you forget that the couples have to see and watch the roll-in package right before they dance, and they're seeing it for the first time. Karina was really affected by what JR said and did. I mean, she was sobbing before they even started dancing, and really broke down at the end. And since she tried to pull it together before they appeared before the judges, I don't feel like she was being dramatic. I think she was honestly touched. Another nice moment is that, when they weren't live, the other couples all came up and hugged JR and congratulated him. And JR hugged Chaz and told him that he's an inspiration too. Like, seriously, could JR be any more perfect? I want to find out that he has personality flaws so I know he's human. Like maybe he doesn't wipe the crumbs off the counter when he does the dishes. Or he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor. Something!