'Desperate Housewives': Underneath the mask

Terihatcher_desperatehousewives_s4_240 "Desperate Housewives" is gearing up for next week's big finale, so tonight featured far more setup than payoff. Luckily, it also featured a number of amusing one-liners. And a number of valuable lessons about the dangers of plastic surgery, robbing yourself, overspending, and having a private conversation while an evil mastermind is listening in on the phone. I hope you all were taking notes!

Susan and Jackson take Dave on a rollercoaster ride of emotion. They're getting married! Jackson totally knows Dave was backstage at the club that night! But he's an illegal immigrant and easily taken care of! While I'm sorry Jackson got deported, I have no faith that Katherine really planned to follow through on that alimony "Mike" promised after she and Mike got married, so...this is definitely for the best as far as Susan is concerned. You know, aside from Dave still being on the loose and targeting her son. And aside from her ex-husband still being on track to marry her friend.

Bree, in the meantime, is seriously Up to No Good. She must reeeeeally want to keep her money, because trashing her own house must be the worst kind of torture for Bree (though hilarious to watch). At first, when Orson got all sentimental and sweet on her, I thought he knew what Bree was up to and it was calculated to make her have second thoughts. But his surprise and disappointment at finding the storage unit with all the "stolen" loot seemed genuine. I'm also going to point out that if it's a mask that's easily re-ordered and paid for, than it probably wasn't worth "stealing" in the first place. And can we take a second to talk Bree and Karl? Because they're totally going to hook up, right? (And yeah, EW.)

Evalongoria_desperatehousewives_s4_240 Oh, Gaby. Gaby, Gaby, Gaby. I mean, okay, her friend's tragic tale from Tiffany flatware to soup kitchen meals was a bit more nuanced than I thought, but still. Someone needs to sit our friend down and make her watch the MC Hammer episode of "Behind the Music," because it shouldn't be news to Gaby that money is a finite resource. Luckily, I guess, it doesn't sounds like both kids are college material. ("Bobblehead"? Mean, but it totally cracked me up.)

Tom's midlife crisis is, at this point, grounds for divorce solely based on annoyingness. I mean, his family was bordering on financial collapse just a few episodes ago, and he's considering plastic surgery as a way of youthening his way back into the workforce? Maybe you should just spend five minutes on the internet, buddy - it's not like Twitter is a state secret. The plastic surgery victim Lynette introduces Tom to will probably feature in my nightmares tonight - he looked like the love child of Joan Rivers and an alien. Terrifying.

Favorite quotes:

  • Tom to his college friend, guessing how he looks so young: "Diet? Exercise? Eating a bowl of stem cells every morning?"
  • After Susan threatens to call off the fake marriage. Jackson: "They'll send me back!" Susan: "It's Canada, not Iran!"
  • As they enter their ransacked house. Bree: "Orson, we've been robbed!" Orson: "It wasn't me. I swear."