On the Emmys being held on a Monday
"This year we are doing the Emmys on a Monday night in August, which if I understand anything about television means the Emmys are about to get canceled."
On network TV hosting the Emmys
"MTV still has an award show for music videos even though they no longer show music videos. That's like network TV holding an award show and giving all the trophies to cable and Netflix. That would be crazy."
On Drama-Comedy submissions
"It doesn't matter night the Emmys are being held on because we had so many great shows this year. We had dramas that made you laugh and comedies that made you cry because they were dramas submitted as comedies."
... and 'Bachelor in Paradise'
"There has been some controversy over what categories shows have been submitted in. For example 'Orange is the New Black' was submitted as a comedy instead of a drama. "True Detective" was submitted as a drama instead of a mini-series and 'Bachelor in Paradise' was submitted."
On substances at the Emmys
"The Emmys are my favorite award show. Sure the Golden Globes has alcohol, but everybody is always talking and walking around. Here everyone sits silently in one place and waits for the pills to kick in. Tonight we are all Crazy Eyes."
On Tina Fey and Amy Poehler helping with his monologue
"Speaking of the Globes, I am lucky enough to be nominated tonight for being part of the team that wrote for Tina and Amy when they hosted that show. When I got in touch with them to ask if they would like to help with my monologue tonight they both jumped at the chance to text back, 'New phone, who dis?'"
On the "How I Met Your Mother" finale
"This year we saw the series finale of many popular shows including 'Breaking Bad,' 'Dexter' and 'How I Met Your Mother.' If you had asked me which of those shows would have the saddest ending I would not have picked the one about the nice man telling a story to his children -- 'T hat's right kids. Jesse Pinkman lived. Dexter lived. But your mother didn't make it. Sleep tight.'"
On character deaths and "Big Bang Theory" pay raises
"'Game of Thrones,' 'The Good Wife' and 'Fargo' had the right idea. When your show starts getting some attention and critical acclaim, kill off all your main characters. Otherwise, before you know it, you'll be paying Sheldon a million dollars per episode.
On new show cancellations
"This will also be the final season for shows like 'Glee,' 'Two and a Half Men' and 'Sons of Anarchy,' as well as every new show to premiere this fall."
On HBO dominating the Emmys
"HBO is like the kid you grew up with who ended up doing way better than you ever expected. 99 nominations? When I first met HBO all he had was 'Grease 2' and 'Fraggle Rock.' I wish I was nicer to him. 'You guys want to watch 'Poltergeist'?' 'We watched Poltergeist yesterday, HBO. How many times do you think people want to watch the same movie?' 'One day I'm going to make a show about dragons.' Yeah okay buddy, best of luck. Best of luck with that HBO."
On Netflix stealing nominations from cable
"Cable is looking at Netflix the way that Justin Bieber looks at One Direction -- through a cloud of marijuana smoke."
On the way people watch television
"The most DVR'd show of last season was 'The Blacklist.' 'Game of Thrones' was the most pirated show and 'Duck Dynasty' was the most VCR taped."
On "Game of Thrones" job security
"If you're an actor on 'Game of Thrones' I imagine you wait for next week's script the way most wait for biopsy results. 'Think you better sit down. Your character has been invited to a wedding.'"
On TV vs Movies
"Television has always been the booty call friend of entertainment. You don't ever have to call TV and ask 'You up?' TV is always up. She'll happily entertain you while you cook dinner or wrap your Christmas presents. She's not like that high maintenance diva Movies who expects you to put on pants, drive all the way over to her house and buy $40 worth of soda."
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