Finalewatch: 'The Bachelor: London Calling'

Mattgrant_bachelorlondoncalling_s12 Well, folks, this is it. The Most Romantic Something in the History of Stuff. Or Something. Clap your hands if you believe in love, The Bachelor! Oh, come on, Matt. Clap your damn hands.

Tonight, Matt is going to take Chelsea and Shayne home to his parents, and they're going to be mortified that he is doing something like this in the first place. Oh, no, they're going to be thrilled to welcome an American blue blood like either one of these "ladies" into their family. First, Matt  has his London date with Chelsea, about whom he has concerns. She attempts to allay these concerns by chewing his face off. Oh god, that was kissing?? By kissing him passionately, then. Matt brings Chelsea to meet his brother Simon and his parents. The Grants' house is absolutely lovely, and the family seems genuine and sweet. Chelsea is able to impress Simon by correctly translating "wellies" as "rain boots." She's a freaking rocket scientist. Mrs. Grant just feels like she doesn't know Chelsea at all, which...well, she's a smart woman, and she seems just mortified that her youngest has put her in this situation. At the end of the date he tells Chelsea that "he loves....being with her." Ouch.

Shayne_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_24 The next day, Matt talks about Shayne's upcoming "uphill struggle" living up to his family's feelings about Chelsea. He and Shayne take a double-decker bus to his parents' home; Shayne has brought them a  bottle of wine, indicating much better manners than Chelsea's. Simon is concerned about Shayne's bleach-blondness, while Mr. Grant seems more worried about her age. But Shayne seems to win them over with her self-deprecating sense of humor and genuine warmth. Shayne discusses her parents' divorce with Mrs. Grant and seems to win her over as well, up to a point.

Back in Barbados, Matt and a blindfolded Chelsea go up in a helicopter to a private beach, where they lie and talk about their alleged future together. That night, at the hotel, Chelsea presents Matt with a "California survival kit" including surf wax; hasn't Matt already made it clear that he's going to stay in London no matter who he ends up with? She tells him that she's falling in love with him, and he says that he is falling in love with her as well. I can't watch this woman kiss anyone ever again. She just gnaws on Matt's face. It's distressing.

The next morning, he meets with Shayne, and they go out parasailing. Shayne jokes that if she dies, she hopes Matt and Chelsea will be very happy together. Heh. Back at the hotel, she curls up on his lap and tells him she has a present for him, and that it's the best present that she will ever give him: a picture of her writing "I love you" in the sand. I mean, she's adorable and all, but shouldn't she have written "I love Matt"? Couldn't she just give that picture to every guy she dates? I digress.

Chelsea_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_2 Waves crash against rocks! Thoughts crash against Matt's brain! He's in love with two women! A limo deposits Chelsea, and Chris walks her to a garden where Matt is waiting for her. He kisses her on both cheeks and compliments her dress. He tells her that he feels like he can't give her everything she needs. Oh, it's not her, it's him! He actually says "I'm sorry you're not the one." OUCH, Matt. Ouch. And then Chelsea goes off on Shayne and calls her "the fakest girl here," and Matt tells her in no uncertain terms that that is his wife you're talking about here, ma'am!

Shayne's limo pulls up, and Chris escorts her to where Matt awaits her with the final rose. Aw. He hides the rose and explains to her that the only reason it took so long for him to tell her he wanted to be with her forever that he was looking for a catch, and he never found one with her. He kneels, tells her he loves her, and says "monkey, will you marry me?" Aw. She accepts on the condition that he never looks at another woman again. Good luck with that, Mrs. Grant.

Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, or vice versa. Next week, please join me as I explore the distaff side of exploitation on 'The Bachelorette'. Until then, say your prayers for Matt and Shayne. Xoxo...