'Glee' gets 'Naked': Highlights from an unfortunately clothed episode

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glee-naked-412-recap-gifs-blaine-sam-chord-overstreet-darren-criss-fox.jpg"Naked" is an absurdist episode of "Glee." You know, one of the episodes in which anyone gives a $#*! about show choirs and the use of performance-enhancing drugs. It's really too bad that only one female newsreader realizes the insanity of it all.

But if everybody realized the insanity, there would be no more "Glee."


Regionals. Just don't ask too many questions.

Questions like: Why would the use of steroids disqualify a show choir? What happened to those Mennonite kids? Did they use steroids too? Is it so hard for a dozen or so kids to come up with $400 for a bus that they are willing to sell their bodies for cash?

Just don't ask those questions. And all will be well.

Anyway, it's decided (by Finn [ Cory Monteith] and the girls) that the boys will objectify themselves in a Men of McKinley High calendar. This is because girls make monetary decisions these days.

"Those 'Twilight' books are poop on paper, and we've turned them into a billion-dollar industry." -- Kitty ( Becca Tobin)


"Fondue for Two"

I admit that I haven't seen every episode of "Glee" ever. Thus, I don't know if "Fondue for Two" is a thing. Is that what Brittany ( Heather Morris) has always called her vlog-with-cat? Whatever the case, this surrealist fantasy is very random and what every show should be all of the time.

Yes, I want more shows with weird camera-cuts and Lord Tubbington as a slum lord (who may or may not have a gambling addiction). Why not?


SAT scores, aka an excuse for Sam to have body issues

As the oft-inappropriate Principal Figgins ( Iqbal Theba) put it, the "sexy teen imbeciles" (Sam and Brittany) achieve the highest and lowest scores on the SATs. Sam's ( Chord Overstreet) low, low scores reduce his employment opportunities to "greeter." Brittany's high scores are the result of drawing a clown and a penis on her Scantron sheet. Now she can go to the University of California at Charles Barkley's house!

None of this would be important (especially not in January of the senior year, long after most college applications are due), except that Sam's insecurity serves to set up the fact that apparently the boy has body issues. As in, he has an awesome one and therefore self-identifies that way.

There are worse things. Especially when Sam's insecurity means that he wanders the hallways semi-naked, hair blowing in a fake wind.

glee-naked-sam-1.gif glee-naked-sam-3.gif glee-naked-sam-2.gif glee-naked-sam-5.gif glee-naked-sam-4.gif glee-naked-sam-6.gifBut really, this is all to show that Sam is very insecure and takes it out on his body. Fortunately, testimonial videos and brochures about non-SAT universities make him feel better. Sam even chooses to pose with clothes for the calendar, thereby making body-conscious Artie ( Kevin McHale) happy too.

"Not everyone in here looks like they're on The CW. Some of us are more... PBS." -- Artie

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This week, Sue Sylvester doesn't like pornography

She confronts Finn about this. Fortunately, Finn has Artie to search the web for porn, and he finds Sue's ( Jane Lynch) old Penthouse spread. Or actually he doesn't. But Finn does get Sue to admit to the photos, so she has to back down.

glee-naked-finn-sue-porn.gifAnd that's all the Sue we have.


An almost incidental but super-sweet love story

It had virtually nothing to do with the rest of "Naked," but Marley ( Melissa Benoist) and Jake ( Jacob Artist) managed to sneak in one of the sweetest storylines ever to be seen on "Glee."

Having moved past the on-again-off-again stage, Marley and Jake are ready to sing beautiful love songs to each other. They also smile a lot, just like you would expect from two kids in love. The sweetness culminates in Jake writing that he loves Marley on one of the calendars. Her "I love you back" is just about enough to make you cry with loving happiness.

Seriously, these kids should have gotten a whole episode to themselves.


Meanwhile on the other show featuring people who used to be on "Glee"...

Rachel ( Lea Michele) has gotten the lead role in a student film that has something to do with grandmothers and Alzheimer's and the end of the world. There is also a topless scene.

This is where we remember that Rachel -- who now wears sexy clothes and sleeps with a boy! -- used to be a modest goody-goody. Never mind the fact that this was when she was 15. Rachel's existential body angst allows her to have a "Torn" duet with herself (we'll just ignore that the lyrics indicate someone who has long since gotten past taking off her clothes).

The duet convinces Rachel to go for it. Brody also thinks this is a good idea. Kurt ( Chris Colfer), on the other hand, thinks Rachel should keep her clothes on. Because girls are yucky? We don't get much of an explanation for Kurt's random Puritanism, but we do get an amusing breakfast scene in which Kurt and naked Brody eat cereal together.

glee-naked-kurt-disappointed-brody.gif glee-naked-kurt-milk-brody.gif glee-naked-kurt-disappointed-rachel.gifBut Kurt alone is not enough. It takes the combined power of Quinn ( Dianna Agron) and Santana ( Naya Rivera) to convince Rachel to keep her clothes on. Ah, the power of shame!

"Topless is as nude as everyone is ever going to walk to see you." -- Santana

Despite the shame and the Puritanical protests, Rachel gets herself all the way to the film set. Then, when faced with the less-than-perfect bodies of the crew, the girl realizes that she's better than all of them and walks away in her pink fluffy robe.

Then she and the other girls sing about their empowerment or something.


Back on "Glee"

The kids still at McKinley High end the episode on a high note with a minimalist, black-and-white celebration of life, love and silliness. It's quite lovely. Also, we get hot-boy calendars!

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Did you like this "Glee" episode? Loathe it? Do you want more Marley and Jake, or do you not like love and happiness and goodness in the world?


Photo/Video credit: FOX