'Gossip Girl': Little J scores her dignity; Bass smells something fishy

taylor-momsen-gossip-girl-16-year-old-virgin-large.jpgIn Monday's (March 22) "The Sixteen Year Old Virgin," Little J decides she wants to give up the big V. But not before nearly the whole cast of "Gossip Girl" tries to stop her. Talk about having some serious "protection"....

Elsewhere on the upper Eastside, Serena meddles in other's affairs again (and of course has more wild and crazy sex), Dan and Vanessa continue to pretend they're friends (still don't get exactly what that's accomplishing), Chuck gets sued for sexual harrassment and mommy dearest comes to the rescue (or does she...?). Oh yeah, and I almost forgot the super minor storyline of Rufus and Lily -- they make up...for now.

More "Virgin" deets below:

"What's 'Dirty Dancing'?": If you aren't aware of the existence of a little movie called "Dirty Dancing," you're too young to be having sex, Jenny. 

Jenny is seriously debating giving up her virginity to drug dealer Damian (I shall call him D3 for short), so she confides in Serena for advice. Serena tries to make a reference to waiting for sex like Baby did in "Dirty Dancing." The reference goes over Jenny's head. Do 16-year-old's really not know about this iconic '80s movie? Oh sad.

Serena, continuing her tradition of meddling in other's affairs in recent episodes, devises a plan to show Jenny that D3 is unworthy of giving up her virginity. Serena attempts to seduce D3 and plans to have her boyfriend and Jenny walk in on them (hmmm, that's normal). But D3 shuts her down, and for a fleeting moment we think he might actually be a decent guy. Fleeting, I emphasize.

D3 punches out Nate at the New York Historical Society's gallery dedication to Bart (a.k.a. the recurring "GG" I'm-rich-and-important-fabulous-event-of-the-night) when Nate tries to keep him from carting off Little J to lose her virginity. We then see the couple get hot and heavy, and the next thing you know they're disrobed and lying side-by-side in bed. In TV world, this typically signifies a post-coital scene, but evidently these two took at break from their make out session to gaze into each other's eyes before sex -- because next thing you know, Jenny tells D3 that she's a virgin. He shrugs it off, J rebuts that he should care, and just like that D3 is done with the relationship he so valiantly defended to Serena the seductress. Bastard.

So a 16-year-old virgin she remains, but Jenny chooses to tell Serena she went through with it -- and doesn't know why it's such a big deal. Little J then pops in her earphones to the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack, and we know that this Baby is waiting for her Johnny Castle.

"Who needs coffee after a wake-up like that?": Serena and Nate are at it again at the beginning of this episode. And Nate is evidently her new caffeine fix. As if we didn't already know.

However, Serena experiences a caffeine crash when Nate foils her brilliant D3 seduction plan by telling Rufus where to find Jenny. These two bicker until the end when they meet up at the "the event" and Nate explains why he told Rufus.

"I woke up the morning after I lost my virginity that the person I lost it to, the person I loved, left town, never to be heard from again for a year. So, yeah, I had a good reason."

All is forgiven and they kiss and make up. We're pretty sure Serena got another caffeine high later that night.

Bass smells something fishy: Chuck gets sued for sexual harassment by female employees at the hotel, and we know someone devious is behind it. Uncle Jack comes to mind, and sure enough, he conveniently appears and attends the gallery dedication. This foils Chuck's plans to invite his newfound mother, Elizabeth, to the event -- who bails after finding out that Jack will be there. She tells Chuck they have a "history," and she just doesn't know if she can deal with Jack and meeting Chuck's family in one night. This comes on the heels of Jack telling Chuck that his mother is definitely dead, adding that if she does come to the night's event, he looks forward to meeting her.

Red flags are flying high, and Chuck isn't color blind. The young man who is so reluctant to let people in (Blair could write a book on it) decides to get a DNA test to prove Elizabeth is, in fact, his mother.

During the New York Historical Society event in honor of his father, Chuck is approached by his lawyer, at which point noteworthy dialogue is exchanged:

Lawyer: "We're getting attacked by Christian conservatives."
Chuck: "We have those in Manhattan?"

Evidently, they do. And the lawyer informs Chuck that in order to save his hotel from a PR mega-crisis, he needs to step down and pass the title on to someone else...preferably in the family. Jack conveniently tries to step in and offer his services, and Chuck promptly turns him down.

The DNA test results are returned within the time span on the night's fabulous elite-only event, making them the fastest DNA results in history. The results show that Elizabeth is his mother, so Chuck decides to offer his hotel empire to her until this nasty PR storm blows over. After some convincing, Elizabeth reluctantly accepts.

But Chuck should have trusted his instincts. Mom turns out to be bedfellows with the enemy.  Uncle Jack knocks on her door asking, "Do we have ourselves a hotel?" She smirks and lets him enter.

Quick summary of the minor plot lines:

Dan and Vanessa continue their secret ninja relationship. Still not sure why they feel the need to keep it under wraps, but they seem to have fun with it. They formulate all kinds of "friends only" vs. "hook-up only" zones. Vanessa seems to enjoy torturing poor little Dan, who tells him at the hands-off Historical Society event that she's not wearing any underwear.

As for Rufus and Lily, it's a pretty ho-hum plot line. Rufus finds the scarf Lily left for him -- the scarf he left in the apartment of his attempted affair. But he tells her he couldn't go through with it, and they make up at the end. We'll see if this happy resolution lasts. Somehow we think not.

Quotes of the night:

Blair (to Chuck): "Settling is for the guilty. Celebrities who run people over, the Catholic Church."

Jack (to Chuck): "I never realized how many sex puns you can make out Chuck Bass."

Blair (to Chuck): "Are you kidding? A DNA sample? You've been watching too much CBS."


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Photo credits: The CW