'Gossip Girl' recap: As Told By An Idiot

gossip-girl-season-5.jpgWhat's going on with Dan is that he is pretending to be on his book tour, but secretly he is hiding in DUMBO, listening to chillwave and losing ten pounds every single day, because people don't give a **** about his stupid book like he wishes they would. Rufus finds him there by accident, realizes suddenly that Skype doesn't rule out being a huge dorky liar, and gives him a pep talk. Dan responds, seemingly, but his pep is as illusory as his itinerary. Soon he will begin drinking, and things will get radically hipster, and finally this show will be awesome again. Dan joins Nate for best moment this week, but got about five minutes total to show us.

What's going on with Human Plot Device Diana Payne is that she has upgraded her Storyline Contriving abilities to a record level and basically just wanders around the entire show sparking off storylines and creating conflict and doing magic spells and chewing on the set and making no goddamn sense at all. Also, she is working with William Vanderbilt, and that's I guess what this whole thing has been about. Lame, she's lame, she is full of it. Just chock full.

What's going on with Serena is that she has had it with Gossip Girl's mess and she will be taking her down! Just kidding, that's a lie like always. But wait, no, this time it isn't a lie because Human Plot Device Diana Payne has somehow manipulated Cousin Peepers into saying that Gossip Girl has made her feel like behaving erratically, and because Serena is such a caring (well, condescending) individual, this time she will really be going after Gossip Girl. Maybe.