'Gossip Girl' recap: Don't Fear The Creeper

gossip-girl-season-5.jpgJesus wept that was some bad-ass television. You know, normally when they say "It's all been leading up to this," they're not speaking literally. And it's not a valediction even when it's true, because the individual episodes should stand on their own in terms of excellence, but MAN if it wasn't worth the last year and a half to get here. I've thought for a while -- bitchy, stressed-out recaps to the contrary maybe -- that the episodes were adding up to something greater than their parts, but I don't think anybody could have predicted the manic, nonstop, gonzo insane hour we got tonight.

So among the many mysterious provisions of CeCe's will is the fact that, since PRADA was apparently always hers, she'd be holding her wake there. Chuck, Lily and Serena are all expecting breakfast -- the which S and Nate have tricked Lola into attending -- so when the usual waffles are replaced instead with an insane Irish wake, complete with a band and a casket, they are nonplussed. But compared to what follows, a wild brunch full of chauffeurs and The Help is really just the tip of the CeCe iceberg... BOOM! Ivy's taking Georgina to the wake as her bodyguard, leaving Philip in charge of Gossip Girl.
BOOM! Lily gets drunk immediately, striking out at everybody from Carol to poor Ivy!
BOOM! Lola is disgusted once again by the Rhodes Women and tells everybody off!
BOOM! CeCe knew who Ivy was all along, and left her the entire estate, including PRADA!

BOOM! Carol threatens to tell Lily that she cheated with William van der Woodsen and had a kid!
BOOM! Meaning that Lola is both Serena's half-sister as well as her cousin!
BOOM! Lola is going to side with William against the Rhodes Women, in future!

BOOM! Cyrus thinks he has found a loophole in the prenup!
BOOM! Philip accidentally posts Chuck's email regarding Dan's GG submission, rather than the submission itself! Ruining Chuck's chances with B!
BOOM! Estee is suddenly British, and has a plan to replace Blair as Her Serene Highness! But then the loophole is closed because Georgina violates Blair's gag order with the picture of her kissing Humphrey! Or the whole Estee thing was a big lie and the Waldorfs are bankrupt and Chuck somehow still thinks this is Dan's fault! B will set him straight!
BOOM! Blair tells Chuck that she loves him but she is not in love with him as previously stated!