'Gossip Girl' recap: Everything's Eventual
Dan, attempting to find and quash his book's secret publisher, accidentally prods his old mentor Noah Shapiro into outing him through a patently ridiculous scheme involving plagiarism, dinner parties, and an agent with unbelievable amounts of free time on her hands. Once the jig is up and he gets an advance copy, though, he starts getting into it.
Otherwise, Dan is up everybody's ass as usual: He won't leave Blair alone about finding out who her babydaddy is, and he won't stop trying to make Chuck feel things. He buys him a puppy and pretty much offers him a ******* for some reason, making Nate jealous, but in the end when Blair reveals the royal father of her baby -- or is he? -- Chuck finally breaks down in tears, cuddling his puppy in bed. It is bonkers. The dog's name is Monkey, which is a treat for people who have suffered through the books, but the sheer bull****tiness of the moment is a treat for everybody.
Really, though, Dan should have been all up in Nate's Koolaid this week, of all weeks, because without Dan's obsessive micromanaging of everybody's life, Nate ends up in some sort of muckraking social networking sex cult with Elizabeth Hurley where he does gotcha WASPing and steals people's phones and who knows what all. As far as ludicrous plotlines go, this would normally come out on top, but honestly with this episode it's all equal amounts of crazy and nonsensical.