'Jeopardy' contestant's plea: 'I'm a hungry, fat, ponytailed Shakira', bring me back

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"Jeopardy" is having a "Battle of the Decades Tournament" and is bringing back fan favorite contestants to face off against one another. The show has already chosen 14 contestants from each decade, the 80s, 90s and 00s, but is letting fans pick the 15th To make things more interesting, the five finalists from each decade are given the opportunity to make a video and write a short essay, explaining why they deserve to return.

The best entry comes from 00s finalist Ryan Chaffee, who won $92,900 on the show but failed to take the crown in the 2010 "Tournament of Champions." "What would the decades tournament be without the fat man with a ponytail?" he asks in a video. He continues to explain exactly why he's needed, before settling on referring to himself as "a hungry, fat, ponytailed Shakira with sexy trivia knowledge instead of sexy hips."

He also writes a personal message, which is pretty amazing:

"Why would you be fools to have the Jeopardy! Decades Tournament without me? In a word: SEX. No former 'Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions' contestant delivers the blow-the-doors-off-the-hinges, pound-for-pound raw sexuality that I do. (And please note that since I am quantifying my sexuality on a 'per pound' basis, I have to work that much harder to deliver the sex amounts, since I am so fat.) Also, getting the chance to return to 'Jeopardy!' and compete in this tournament would mean *way* more to me than the word-count requirements allow me to express here. When I was originally on 'Jeopardy!', my first three games were lock-game runaways (and I bet $0 in each of my first three Final 'Jeopardy!s' because I'm not greedy!), in my fourth game I set the Season 26 single-game record with $41,600 on an all-in Final wager, and in my fifth game I lost $20,400 to $23,200 against fellow future 'Tournament of Champions' contestant Stephen Weingarten. I got the skills, I tell ya! And did I mention The Sexy?"

The other possible contestants all have their own merits and reasons they should return to the show, but no one is able to bring the funny like Chaffee does. Joey Beachum comes close, with a video claiming he's being held hostage in host Alex Trebek's house.

Voting has already finished for the 80s and 90s, but continues for the 00s through October 21.
Photo/Video credit: Jeopardy