'Jersey Shore' recap: Cocksure

jersey-shore-season5.jpgPreviously: Under the heinous threat of having to meet new people, the kids literally abducted Vinny from his mental health week and dragged him back to the Shore. Suck it, sanity!

On the ride back to Seaside, Pauly claims the Smush Room because "I got my boyfriend back!" Vinny then says, "I'm tryin' to get laid tonight!" Vinny, were you not listening? You're spoken for. Don't forget the lube!

They arrive home and fill Vinny in on the latest, specifically the unsettling reality of The Situation acting nice. Pauly even refers to him as "The Situation," not "Mike," so you know he must be really turned around. Even Vinny admits he prefer when Sitchy acts like a douchebag. I'm assuming purely for entertainment. But maybe also because they're worried that Sitch's friendliness and courtesy is just a cover-up for deeper malice. At least when he's acting like a jackhole, you know he's putting himself out there and not plotting your death by tanning bed and/or grenade.

Nary a minute passes before the kids decide to go out drankin'. Well, actually, once they're ready, they learn that there are no cabs available for 45 minutes. The look of horror that passes each of their faces when they realize they're all tricked out and have to actually spend time together is pretty priceless. That sort of group bonding only flies in Italy, yo. While they wait, JWOWW calls Roger and leaves a message. She admits she hasn't seen him as much as she thinks she should and wonders what's up. We'll have to wait for the next installment of that riveting drama because we cut over to Sitch talking about his plans for his new tattoos: "LOYALTY" and "BETRAYAL," one on each of his inner forearms. Wow, that's even worse than Pauly's "CADILLAC" tattoo or Vinny's new "LET GO, LET GOD." Then again, just as Pauly used to be a car salesman and Vinny's a neurotic mess, Sitch is a full-time ****wad, so maybe marring his flesh with hackneyed "Ride or die" mantras is appropriate. Snooki does not agree with me, and laughs at Sitch the minute he leaves the room. Ronnie mugs something fierce -- it's basically this. Like, he can barely even be bothered to speak out how loud how lame and ridonkulous that tattoo concept is, save to say that Sitch knows nothing of loyalty.