'Jersey Shore' recap: Gee, Unit!
But first! We return to Italy, where Pauly D is getting out his finalmente urli (that's "last insanely obnoxious shouts" in Italian). The bullhorn known as Pauly will be strictly Inglese from here forward. Pauly can't wait to get back to the States because he misses those pillars of American society: gym, tanning and (no, not laundry) haircuts. Apparently there is no Italian translation of "shellac the **** out of my blowout," therefore the country is lacking. Third world even! Pauly squeezes one last song in: "I wanna go home. Yeah!" It's no "T-Shirt Time," but these kids are really burned out, so what can do you do? Snooki and Crocodilly bid arrivederci to Italy, and with that, the kids have had their first, last and only culturally enriching experience of their lives.
They land back in New York, and Deena is super-pumped to come back to a place where her lack of panties is normal -- welcome, really. She literally kisses the ground at JFK upon arriving. Which, gross. Then again, with all the cretins she's made out with, that's probably a step up, cleanliness-wise. In case you thought I was being harsh on the kids' cultural horizons in the above paragraph, Pauly whips out his passport and promises, "I'm never leaving you again." Next up, take a shot because it's the first bit of Ronsense of the season! "We're so excited to see America. I feel like I was at boarding school, and America is my mother. I feel like I'm coming home to my mother right now."
They pile into the van to head straight to the Shore House, and they get almost all the way there without incident. Guess who ****s on the vibe with only 10 exits to go. If your first thought was, "Rhymes with Bitchuation," ding ding ding! (Also, congratulations. You have seen more than five seconds of this show in your life because, obvs, who else would it have been?) So Sitchy makes a BFD of announcing that he doesn't care which room he goes in. Cue the clanging cymbal of ridiculousness because neither does anyone else -- as long as it's not their room. Basically, it's going to be a swift sprint into the house to fill up rooms before Sitch can lay down his hat. I sure hope those producers have greased the floors for added comic effect. There's definitely not enough physical comedy in this show. Oh wait... This. Pauly explains that no one wants to room with Sitch because of all the drama he brings. Everyone who wasn't in Sitch's room is all, "I liked the room I was in last year!" as a means of avoiding switching it up. (Or Sitching it up, as it were.) Even Snooki would rather sleep in the bed she peed in the year before. She asks, "Who would want to sleep in that bed?" Well, you apparently. They agree to all take their old rooms, which screws SamRo 2.0.