'Jersey Shore' recap: In Which We Learn About the Communal Smush Room
Scenes of bedlam set the mood for our return to the start of last week's weave-pulling fracas. We're enlightened that JWOWW is relatively sober and reminded of Angelina's s***-stirring ways. Vinny tells The WOWW about Schmolie questioning her integrity and somehow from all this, JWOWW and Sammi get into it. Long time coming, honestly. Mainly because Sammi's stupid and weak and won't take her aggression out of the person who actually wronged her -- Ronnie. Much screaming later -- which Ronnie likens to "firecrackers in a dumpster" (appropriate on so many levels) -- JWOWW has enough and shoves Sammi. Cat fighting ensues, hooker heels clatter on the wooden floor and objects are thrown at heads (Sammi's, I'm happy to report). Vinny finally rips Sammi away, and Ronnie capitalizes on his brute 'roid strength to pull JWOWW back.
Oh, but it's not over. Ronnie gets all up on Vinny for starting this shit. Vinny insists it was Angelina, later interviewing that Angelina is a "shady bitch" who needs a little accountability thrust upon her. Of course Angelina irately screams that she always gets blamed for talking shit, so Snooki points out that, well, she talks a lot of shit. Angelina insists she's not playing both sides, she's just friends with everyone in the house. Methinks Kim G. has a protégé because that's some seriously flawed reasoning: I am X, therefore there is no way that I am X! Eventually Snooki has her fill and summons all of the fierceness in her 4'9" frame to roar that Angelina wrote the note with her and JWOWW. Not technically accurate but certainly plausible, which all that matters with these imbeciles. And sometimes not...
Regardless, Sammi is just as dumb as everyone in the house thinks she is, so she chooses to believe Ronnie over the girls who have done nothing but support her. Then Ronnie turns it over, saying Snooki only wrote the letter because things soured with Emilio. Ohhhh, s***. This fight just went nuclear. Snooki starts jumping up and down. Eventually, in a flash of albino leopard print, she barrels right into Ronnie and pushes him a good couple feet. Would somebody please take it upon him/herself to e-mail me a Gif? You'd be my guido hero forever!
Snooki and JWOWW storm outside, with The Situation narrating that they were damned either way for breaking this kind of news to Sammi Stupidf***. While Snooki blows off steam on the patio, JWOWW makes the dubious decision to stomp back inside. For the most part she ignores SamRo 2.0. But Ronnie can't leave well enough alone, so he makes a comment of JWOWW's boyfriend. Bitch grabs a platter and hurls it at him faster than you can say "Splintered caveman skull." Unfortunately, Vinny intercepts her, and the plate doesn't hit its mark. While Vinny's holding her back, Sammi picks up her own piece of crockery and lobs that s*** at JWOWW. It's a pretty bitch move, and it doesn't even hit The WOWW! Double bitch. Which is still only a fraction of the bitchassness that is Sammi. What a hag, y'all. Seriously. JWOWW says Sammi's only this brave (read: not crying and whining like a bitch) when Ronnie's there to protect her.
JWOWW and Snooki (who's come back inside) wisely retire to their room, saying, "We'll see who gets the last laugh." They calmly wonder why Sammi is mad at them, then comfort themselves with the knowledge that Sammi is going to feel like a grade-A idiot when she realizes she's been putting her trust in Angelina and Ronnie. Snooki interviews that she regrets thinking the letter would change anything. She also realizes that Angelina is a "two-faced bitch."
Outside, with Ronnie as her numbskull chorus, Sammi pats herself on the back for "beating the crap out of" JWOWW. Not entirely true, honey. JWOWW didn't look like she had a scratch on her, in fact. She proudly recounts dropping to the ground, with a turkey sandwich in hand no less, to beat up JWOWW. Pauly asks, "Is there any more turkey sandwich left?" Love him! Everyone heads inside, except Ronnie who asks Vinny to hang back so he can justify shoving him. As a gentleman would do. Ugh. Vinny says his only regret is that Ronnie didn't beat up Angelina. Back inside, there's no love lost on her side as Angelina calls Vinny a dirt bag and spills the beans to Sitch's sister Melissa -- she who once hooked up with Vinny and who has had the pleasure of witnessing all this mess firsthand -- that Vinny tried to hook up with Snooki. Melissa acts shocked. Has she met these people?
The next morning, the house looks like a wrecking ball has hit it. A wrecking ball entirely composed of weave bits, cigarette butts, press-on nails, and a discarded cutlery. Is there any other kind? Sammi wakes up, inappropriately smug for supposedly kicking the s*** out of JWOWW. For a minute, the joke's on all of them because they have to report to the gelato shop to work together. Then JWOWW shows she has absolutely no shame by calling Enzo to tell him she can't come in to work because she has to get her nails done. Yeah. Seriously. Re-read that last part: She can't come in to work because she has to get her nails done. The best part is that Enzo's all, "Okay." Sammi, meanwhile, says with no small amount of self-satisfaction that her nails are messed up, too, but she's going in because she's not a little bitch like JWOWW. Takes one to know one, sucka.
As the rival factions head their separate ways, the rest of the guys head to the beach. They're enjoying the scenery and checking out the hotties when all of a sudden (cue "Psycho" music), close-up on a chick was a massive lip herp. Pauly shows that his standards are both exacting and hypocritical when he says, "There's nuttin' like a nice herpe to ruin tha pahty." MVP is off like a dress on prom night, despite the advances of Hattie Herp Lip and her idiot friends. I bet this is the one and only time the cameras caught these guys turning down anything DTF. And I do mean anything.
Sitch, Vinny, and Angelina report to work after SamRo 2.0's shift ends. Angelina takes the opportunity to talk up how much better a person she is from the prior year (since they had a full 48 hours to judge her character last time, pffffft). Sitch humors her, but she can't resist bringing up her faux feud with Vinny. Sitch acknowledges Vinny's not a fan, so Angelina's all, "Well, I don't like him either! Nah nah nah nah nah nah. He's ugly and smelly! So there!" Sitch just laughs at what a wench she is...
Photo credit: MTV