'Jersey Shore' recap: Nice Guys Finish Last
Morning in Miami. Or maybe it's afternoon, considering these kids' average wake-up time. They're like clubs kids of the '90s, only with less costumery. Angelina hops out of Vinny's bed and straight onto the phone with his mom. Angelina and mamma Paula have a truly awkward conversation before she puts the phone down to get him. Angelina confesses she was drunk and regrets it. We suspect Vinny will hit up the computer immediately after he hangs up with his mother to Google tips on DIY memory erasure. As Angelina flits around the house, so does news of their one-night smush. Snooki deems Angelina a whore for stringing along her man Jose, who buys her presents, then hooking up with Vinny. Actually, Snickers, hooking up with the guy who buys her presents would be more of a whore thing to do. Semantics... The point remains the same: Angelina sucks.
While Vinny talks to his mother, the guys give Angelina Hell for being a two-faced hag who talks s*** about Vinny, then hits that at the first chance. But Angelina is the Bobby Brown of the house -- it's her prerogative, and she do what she wanna do. Meanwhile, Vinny talks about how excited he is about his mother's arrival. Given the Italian banquet she prepared for the gang last season, we would be, too. Vinny says they don't make women like his mom anymore. Cut to a shot of Angelina, listening to The Situation philosophizing about "The Hot Equation," which is when women only like men who treat them like crap. As if on cue, Vinny enters the room. Pauly asks, "We heard you like to visit the Staten Island Dump [Vinny's nickname for Angelina] this time of year. Is that true?" Vinny says it is, and Angelina laughs along with them... at herself. For the love, she is worthless. The guys keep riding her about what a hypocritical whore she is for her indiscretion with Vinny, which Sitch notes was right before Jose's birthday. It's kind of ironic how intense their vitriol has become once she's screwed over someone outside the family given the shenanigans she's pulled to members of their very own house. And we could talk for days about the double standard at work here and what jackholes they are all being, but we kind of don't care, because Angelina deserves all the dressing-down she can get. We just wish it were for something more legitimate than this.
The guys advise Angelina to come clean to Jose immediately -- or as Pauly puts it, "before he buys you another Fossil watch." God forbid he spend another $40 on her! Sitch even offers to call Jose himself. Man, they really want to screw her. Just like Vinny did. Maybe that's the root of it all: Jealousy. Even though she admittedly hooked up with Sitch and Pauly D, maybe they feel like Vinny is encroaching on their territory? Or that Vinny has tainted the honor of Sitch's sister by debasing himself by hooking up with Angelina? All we know is that this is not about Jose. He is nothing to them, so clearly it's coming from somewhere else. Vinny and Angelina are just pawns in their whack little chess game. We know, we know. Tell you something you don't know.
Gelato shop. Pauly scoops and creeps, scoops and creeps. Eventually Vinny's mom, his uncle Nino and a veritable sideshow of other relatives arrive. Vinny reiterates how much Italian mothers take care of their sons. You know, since boys are more valuable and all...
Elsewhere, Snooki and JWOWW hit up the News Cafe, that infamous spot of treachery where letters are penned and relationships are ruined. Snooki says that she, having been there first, felt like vomiting when she heard about Vinny pounding out Angelina. Snooki and The WOWW talk s*** about what a tramp Angelina is (for doing pretty much exactly what they do). And, because they've done all the damage they can with SamRo 2.0, they start budding plans to f*** up Angelina's life by exposing her to Jose.
Before we return to the house, can we just mention how we do not give enough due to the old-school film reel-style interstitials the editors put in between scenes. We mainly ignore them because we think it's a distraction, but there are some seriously golden ones. Like now, Vinny's mom is in town with her stockpile of food, and they have simply titled the reel "SAUSAGE." And last episode when Snooki's trick brought over his fugly friend, the reel said "MALE GRENADE." We think you could probably get a pretty solid feel for this entire show by just looking at these markers. It would certainly be more concise than all of Angelina, Sammi, and Ronnie's verbal f***ery. One day we hope to see a marker that says, "MOTORCYCLE-PROOF." If any of you editors are listening, make.it.happen.
Photo credit: MTV