'Jersey Shore' recap: Ron Ron Blues
The Situation -- who claims he's "a pretty deep dude" capable of wearing many hats like "Uncle Situation," "Doctor Situation," "Chef Situation," and "Bang-Your-Girl Situation" -- advises Ronnie to hit up the gym and listen to music to get over his woes. He gives him all sorts of Guido platitudes, congratulating himself on his brilliance as he goes, no less, and claims he's "good as hell" at relationship stuff. Ronnie begs to differ: "Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor about flying a plane." Sitch admits he doesn't have anything hard and fast to tell Ronnie, except maybe to listen to some Michael Bolton. As you do. He says there's nothing really to be done since Sammi's not coming back this summer. At which point, this unctuous, smug smile spreads across his face. Like her decision to leave had a G-D thing to do with him. Oh, Sitch.
Sammi arrives home, saying she's destroyed and needs time to sit, think, and feel better about herself. She gives her mom the update on how Ronnie destroyed all her stuff. She says she feels like she's been abused. Well, it took a damn long time, but at least she's finally come to terms with reality. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. Her mom tells her that it might not be meant to be and offers her a shoulder to cry on. Sammi can't believe that someone she loves that much would abuse her like Ronnie did. Over and over again.
Back at the house, Ronnie probes the housemates for information about Sammi. All the girls gently but firmly tell Ronnie that they wouldn't have put up with the shit he made Sammi go through. They can't even look at him. All Ronnie can say is, "F***ed up, huh?" He says he finally recognizes that he destroyed the relationship and finally knows what a good thing he had. Snooki can't hide her eye rolls, and he calls her out for her dirty looks. She interviews that, even though she's on Team Sammi, she's over this whole saga.
Ronnie tries one last stab for sympathy, saying he doesn't even want to sleep upstairs. Once the crickets start chirping, he realizes he's not getting any moral support tonight and leaves the girls' room. After he leaves, the girls are all, "Really?" Seriously, though, what an ass goblin. He went on a tornado-like, maniacal spree of destruction against someone that he supposedly loves -- and all because she attempted to give him back about one-millionth of the damage that he inflicted on her in the last six months -- and now he expects people to feel sorry that she finally decided to leave? Adjust your injections, dude.
Ronnie takes his pity party downstairs to Vinny and Pauly, who blatantly pawn babysitting duties off on each other. Because no one cares about Ronnie. End of story.
Apropos of that, Deena and Snooki decide to clear the air of Ronnie's toxic nonsense by playfully shoving cake in Vinny's face. Their plan goes off without a hitch, and Deena declares, "Team Meatballs, 1; Bromance, 0." With that, a prank war is on. Vinny states that Team Bromance has an obvious advantage of intelligence... and then he manages to pop a water balloon on himself not five steps from the sink. Seeing that Vinny is clearly not up to this task, Pauly decides to take things to the next level by taking JWOWW's dogs' poop nappies and sticking them under the girls' pillows. Now that ain't right! That's worse than the dirty pad, yo. As it happens, Deena has crawled under her bed and has watched this all go down. She responds in turn by sticking the very same fecal matter under Vinny's pillow.
Their prank is discovered a little while later, so Vinny grabs Nicole's prized crocodile pillow and hangs him from the porch for all of Seaside Heights to see. Snooki notices almost immediately. She waddles around the house forlornly, calling, "Croc? Croc??? Croc!!!" The guys laugh uproariously until Sitch finally points Snooki in the right direction. She screams and cackles at the hideous act as she pulls Crocodilly back up. Vinny owns up to it, but wonders why Sitch would fink on him. When Vinny calls him out, Sitch is like, "You all are idiots." And if The Situation is implying that you are immature or petty, you better straighten up, buddy. In any case, Vinny decides that Mr. Sorrentino will now be known as "Snitch-uation."
The next day, Ronnie continues to schlep around glumly as he, Snooki, and Deena head for work at the shore store. Back home, Ronnie's presence is still felt because he apparently clogged up the toilet. Since Vinny has to drop the kids off at the pool, it falls to him to pick up the plunger and get to work. And man is that water rank. We're talkin' swamp gulch, folks. When the plunger fails, Vinny deconstructs a wire hanger, then finally gives up and calls a plumber. Thanks, Ronnie!
Shore store. Deena updates their boss on Ronnie's epileptic fit of rage from the night before. At one point in the day, Snooki needs to go to the bathroom, but Ronnie's in there sobbing about how he'll never be able to come home to Sammi with a crappy T-shirt emblematic of their tumultuous affair. I don't even want to know what such a T-shirt would say from a dumbass like Ronnie.
Back at the house, JWOWW, Sitch, and Pauly discuss what will become of the Ronster now that Sammi is actually out of the picture. JWOWW says she feels somewhat bad for him but also acknowledges that he should feel bad for what happened. Sitch says Ronnie told him he was thinking about leaving. Pauly wonders whether Ronnie's wet blanket behavior will throw off MVP's game, and the others agree that Single Ronnie is no more. Way to keep it in perspective, guys. Sheesh. JWOWW thinks they should move Sammi's stuff down to the girls' room so Ronnie can't look at it and fester. The guys say they're heading out for a haircut that afternoon and, thus, a plan is formed.
Ronnie arrives back and immediately orders roses for Sammi's sister's birthday as well as roses with all the trimmings for Sammi for the next three days. Eventually, the guys lure Ronnie away for haircuts and eyebrow waxing (Sitch!). Naturally, The Situation decides to spell out the classifications of ugly bitches for the benefit of their barbers. It goes a little something like this: Grenade, Grenade Launcher, Submarine, Tank, A-Bomb. Just FYI.
Meanwhile, the girls get to work, with JWOWW inadvertently picking up a pair of Ronnie's stanky underpants along the way. They wonder what they should say to Ronnie when he notices Sammi's stuff is missing. Instead of coming up with a story -- or just recognizing that it will have obviously been them -- JWOWW's, like, "Well, let's just hurry." Great plan, WOWW.
The guys get back home, and Ronnie immediately notices the difference. It hits him that Sammi really is gone. The only catch is that the girls forgot a bag, so Ronnie cottons on to the fact that Sammi probably didn't come by and get the stuff herself. Even though they're obviously caught, the girls lie through their teeth about moving Sammi's stuff. JWOWW quickly calls Sammi but clams up when Ronnie hovers around and drops the bag Sammi supposedly forgot. Ronnie calls shenanigans that the girls are suddenly sticking up for Sammi after months of battling with her. Frankly, that should be even more blatant a demonstration of what a wretched example of humanity he's been to make them do a 180 switch of alliances. But since nothing is ever Ronnie's fault, he pawns it off to the fact that the girls should just mind their business. He says he doesn't trust anyone in the house.
While JWOWW and Vinny go to work, Pauly, Sitch, and the Meatballs drive go-karts -- of which Snooki can barely reach the pedals. She really does still need to be in a booster seat. When they get home, Deena worries about going out because she's constipated.
Downstairs, Sammi's sister calls Ronnie to thank him for the flowers. She also thanks him on Sammi's behalf and says that Sammi's not here, which a split-second later turns out to be a lie. Sammi takes the phone, and Ronnie freezes. They have a stilted conversation that he cuts off before they can get into another fight.
Elsewhere, Pauly's nighttime FTD ritual is interrupted by a pair of soiled panties. Deena insists they're not hers, and Pauly thinks they're not Snooki's because of the lack of bronzer. Ronnie suggests they GTF -- "Gym, Tan, Find Out Whose Underwear Those Are." When JWOWW and Vinny return home, their attention is immediately drawn to the knickers in question, but JWOWW denies they're hers. Sitch soon comes downstairs and is likewise revolted. Pauly jokes that he has the same pair, but his are red.
Despite the impossibility of peace at the shore house with such a great mystery yet unsolved, the gang decides to throw away the offending panties. They speculate some more as to whether it might have been one of the dirty tricks one of the guys brought home. Pauly says it's the grossest thing he's ever seen and wonders, "What the hell goes on in this house?" Which, certainly a valid question. Another valid question: How old are you fucking people? Surely if any of these people have been in a sleepover relationship, they've seen a pair of period panties before? Also, you are willing to lick vagina, but you're not willing to look at those panties? I know men are generally skeeved out by anything menstrual, but considering the general lack of hygiene and/or standards in this herpes nest, how can this possibly be the grossest thing Pauly -- or any of them -- has ever seen? That is not a rhetorical question. How?!
Panty debacle over, the kids get ready to head out. But not before having an extensive conversation with sound effects about how Deena's current constipatory dilemma will give new meaning to her nickname "Blast in a Glass." One girl, many cups. Deena gets pissy about the teasing, so Pauly diffuses the tension by taking a pratfall over the beanbag chair when he announces, "Cabs are he-ah!"
Karma. Pauly runs into his ex Gina. They catch up for a few minutes before Sitch literally elbows his way in, swoops Gina up, and starts bouncing her up and down on his junk. Pauly knows she's smart enough not to fall for Sitch's aggressive game, and she proves him right by immediately reporting back to Pauly that Sitch tried to take her home. Mission: Fail.
Meanwhile, Ronnie has found yet a new reason to whine now that he's encountering Karma for the first time alone -- by which he probably means "knowing I can't get my motorboat on with skanky chicks here then go home and sleep with Sammi." Snooki sees him moping and gives it to him straight. She tells him that he treated Sammi like dirt and that she deserves this time to herself. Ronnie remains in denial, claiming he's going to figure out how to get her back. Snooki advises against them as a couple, but Ronnie tells her matter-of-factly, "I get what I want." Snooki says she's done trying to talk sense into the two of them.
After Vinny and Snooki both find their tricks for the night, everyone walks home. Along the way, all the teasing from earlier (along with an unknown amount of alcohol) finally gets to Deena. She has a weepy meltdown about wanting to go home because she thinks no one loves her. Perhaps proving her point, The Situation calls her a "Sloppopotamus" -- a combination of a Slop Tart and hippopotamus. Once they get home, Ronnie of all people is the one to try to comfort her. She finally explains to the gang why she's upset. They insist they were just kidding, but Ronnie sees it's not helping. He takes her outside for a pep talk that's basically like, "No one's more pathetic than me. You can do this!" He also asks her to fetch him some hamburger fixings, and the distraction works, at least for now.
Snooki, on the other hand, only has one hunk of meat on her mind, and that's Gianni, the guy she met at Karma. As they head up to the Smush Room, Vinny recognizes Gianni as one of the entourage of game-blockers he encountered when he tried to scam on a girl of dubious age some weeks back. He enlists the other guys to clown Gianni like he did to Vinny. They have a few minutes of antics, but Snooki hasn't been laid in four months, and she is on a mission. She escapes Vinny's clutches and gets her squirrely can back in there to get it in. In the middle of it, he asks her to say his name. (Who does that?) Snooki doesn't know it, though. Instead of going with Dick, which is really all that he means to her, she covers and gives him the ugliest name she can think of: Bernard. He seems momentarily annoyed, but ultimately get on with it.
Vinny then takes his trick upstairs to smash. Now, as we know, The Situation is not one to be put off by awkward, completely inappropriate interaction. Nor is he one to let a few sex moans get in the way of a nice meal. So on this occasion, he literally brings up a burger to Vinny and his girl as they are tangled up in bed, then forces them to eat this burger. He's all, "Just one full bite. One full bite and I'll leave." This burger is that good, y'all. And then he forces Vinny to take a bite of his pickle. No euphemisms there, friends.
For what it's worth, Vinny thinks that Sitch hopes that, by some kinky long shot, Vinny might decide to reciprocate the generosity and offer Sitch a taste at his leftovers, if you know I mean. As he leaves, ever the good friend, Sitch offers to bring them back up a drink. Vinny's like, "No thanks, man. All good." Then the girl, bless her, laughs it off and tells Vinny that the burger dripped on her neck, and Vinny kisses off the grease. Which sounds gross, but is kind of hot.
Downstairs, Ronnie has become sullen again. Deena sees him sulking and decides to come clean that she and JWOWW moved Sammi's stuff. He appreciates the honesty but wonders what he's doing at the house without Sammi. Deena encourages him to stay, but he thinks it would be pointless and self-destructive. He continues to wave that codependent flag, saying, "If that's what she needed, then that's what I need."