Late-night wars: Thursday's best Jay-vs.-Conan jokes
The best moment to come out of the various talk shows Thursday night (Jan. 14) was probably Jimmy Kimmel's "10 @ 10" segment on "The Jay Leno Show," but the monologue jokes also flew back and forth. Some highlights:
"The Jay Leno Show"
"In other TV news, Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Fox says if she does a good job, they'll sign her to a long-term contract, and if it doesn't work out, they'll just blame Leno. ...
"With all the controversy going on here at NBC, actually, 'The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien's' ratings have gone up. So you're welcome."
"The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien"
"There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me they want to keep me off the air for three years. That's what they say. Yeah, my response to that is if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC. It's perfect. It's like I'll be in the witness protection program. ...
"Anyway, I really am considering this [an offer from a porn production company]. And, in fact, I've come up with some possible titles for my first porno. Yeah, and I'd like to try them out on you. [Some highlights follow; the full list is here.] 'Coo-coo for Coco's Puffs,' 'Conan's Mono Log,' 'Chin Deep,' 'Conan the Bangbarian.'"
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"
"Stephen Colbert and I have been doing the 11 and 11:30 shows for four years now. ... We feel like we're a family and a unit and a block. But the wizards who run the network have also promised a show to John Oliver that his contract says has to air before 11:30. I'm not moving and I don't think Stephen's going to move. Thank god we don't have to deal with Jeff Zucker -- that guy's like the Cheney of TV. He's shooting shows in the face, he doesn't care. They'll end up apologizing to him."
"The Late Show with David Letterman"
"Do you folks know what's going on at NBC? ... Are you getting tired of it? Me either. ...
"I just heard this -- NBC earlier today announced they're putting the NBC peacock on the endangered species list. Getting bad. ...
"I thought this was nice: President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer."
"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"The latest news is not only will Conan be replaced as host of 'The Tonight Show,' Jay Leno also gets custody of Conan's youngest child. ...
"It's kind of sad to see what's happened to NBC. When I was a young man ... they had 'Cosby,' 'Seinfeld,' 'Cheers,' great shows. Now they're in last place, and they're a mess. It's like going to your high school reunion, and the homecoming king went bald and works in a lawnmower repair shop."
Hulu has also collected the best clips from Leno and O'Brien this week. Take a look for yourself.
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Photo credits: NBC