Liveblogging 'Lost': 'This Place Is Death'

Tonight's cuppa: Newhall Coffee Patriot Blend (gotta be alert for this)

I was going to Twitterblog tonight's episode of ABC's "Lost," but in the interests of not irritating my spoiler-phobic followers -- and I sympathize with their concerns, even if my liveblogs are more stream-of-consciousness than recap -- I decided to liveblog it off the DVR instead.

WARNING: If you're super-mega-clever or just a very good guesser, this could possibly be considered spoiler-ish. So, if you fancy yourself either of the above, run, do not walk, in the opposite direction.

Previouslys...not doing previouslys. If you're a fan, you already know what happened previously. But I must say, putting a gun in a box of chocolates is just so kewl. And...Jin!

Sun's lurking in the dark, not too worried about being overheard on the phone. Turniphead's out in the backseat (click on the link if you're confused).

Ben! You saw the previouslys!

LostJinDanielle Wow, now that's a sunburn. Hey, there's the younger version of that chick from "Babylon 5." Let's call her BABYlon. Wow, the subtitle people get lots of work on this show, not to mention translator types. Jin, thankfully, not so much with the subtitles when the French is being spoken.

BABYlon, you left Tahiti for this???"

BABYlon wants to play follow ze leader with Jin. BlondFrenchie and BABYlon's apparent BrunetBeau are cool with zat.

Oh, Jin, you mad romantic fool, you!

BABYlon not feeling too good. Oh, it's the BABYlonBaby.

Oops. Lost one. Heh heh. Lost one. Heh, get it? Never mind.

Jin, your skin looks like hell,  but your hair is fabulous!

Uh-oh.

Credits!

I've concluded that "Lost" and "Heroes" require as much reading as watching, with all the foreign-language subtitling. Messes up my ability to listen to the show while making toast or a cuppa tea. No doubt it's all part of ABC's cunning plan to keep my bum in my seat. Now, I could learn to speak Japanese, Korean and French to foil their cunning plan, but I never want my toast or cuppa tea so badly that I can't just rewind. End of whine. I now return to regularly scheduled programming, which will now have to be rewound because I was typing instead of watching. *Sigh*

BlondFrenchie decides to be brave, and everyone follows. Oops. That was a bad idea. SPLAT!!!!

RUN!!!!

Au revoir, BlondFrenchie. Smoke gets in your eyes.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!! Thank you, thank you, subtitles, for not allowing me to get toast before I saw that!

Oldest trick in the book! Oh, like he'd be able to talk. You tell 'em, Jin! No, no BABYlon, think about the BABYlonBaby (although we all know she will have a short and unhappy life, some life is better than no life).

TIMEFLASH!

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Again, so glad I haven't gotten my toast yet.

Now, that's a useful plant! I'd put one on my balcony, if it rained more often in Los Angeles (or if, when it did rain, the rain wasn't full of ick from the air).

Wow, the camp looks bad. Awwww. I used to have one of those, but my ballerina didn't have a tuxedo dude with her. Flies. Flies are a bad sign. Yep, that's what I was worried about.

Nice abs, Jin!

Who the heck are those dudes? Were they the French dudes?

It's BABYlon, packing heat. BrunetBeau pleads for his life. Oops, didn't see that coming. Good one, BABYlon!

Run, Jin!

TIMEFLASH!

Oh, man, didn't we just leave this movie? Same scene, different gunman. SAWYER!! Aw, brotherly LostSawyer luuurrrvvveee! Hey, you all everybody!

Oops. Who's going to answer THAT question?

I know I'm probably spitting into the wind, tugging on Superman's cape, whatever, but I'm getting my toast now and hoping for the best.

Beer and not much sympathy for poor Jin, who reverts to Korean when confused. Oh, well, the psychic guy, heretofore known as EncinoMan, is no help. RedCharlotte picks up the ball and runs with it.

Jin's not quite down with Locke's big return policy.

Sun's not quite down with Ben's big return policy.

Kate's not quite down with Jack's big return policy.

Sayid's not quite down with anyone's big return policy.

But now Sun's on board -- for the moment, that is.

Locke tries to explain things, which is always pointless, because he can never really explain things.

Hah! RedCharlotte speaks Klingon! But can she also write Klingon? Do Shakespeare in Klingon? Oops, now we may never know. Oh, no!

TIMEFLASH!

"Come on!"

FREAKY TIMEFLASH!

I'm with Sawyer. Come on!

RedCharlotte out like a light. Oops, now Juliet and Sawyer. No, not my Sawyer? Oh, who cares about Juliet and RedCharlotte...not my Sawyer!

Oh, now you decide NOT to subtitle something. Jeepers.

"This place is death!"

You let Ben drive? He didn't even account for traffic. You always have to account for traffic in Los Angeles, especially when it's raining. Trust me, I live there.

Now Ben's getting cranky. Better get some gratitude going, folks.

LostDanielCharlotte Drive.

Oh, RedCharlotte's going round the twist, now. Prof.NotCharlesManson is no help.

TIMEFLASH!

Go, leave me! I'll be all right. Don't worry about me. I'll just lie here and nosebleed to death. Prof.NotCharlesManson gets heroic. RedCharlotte suddenly makes sense.

Oops, get EncinoMan a tissue.

We're here. Or what's left of here, anyway.

TIMEFLASH!

"You just had to say something." That's my Sawyer!

Hey, is Timmy down the well???

EncinoMan asks a very good question.

RedCharlotte confesses the answer to Prof.NotCharlesManson, who hears a sad story. Um, RedCharlotte, wouldn't becoming a cartographer or an oceanographer or an expert in interpreting satellite photos have been more useful than an anthropologist?

RedCharlotte got bad news from Prof.NotCharlesManson, who's all, like, what?

Sawyer asks a very good question. Locke, as always, can't explain.

Jin is not quite down with Locke's big return policy.

I wouldn't trust Locke on this as far as I could drop-kick him without a shoe.

Oh, here comes the negotiation. Jin gets heroic. I foresee a bit of a problem involving Locke, Ben and Sun.

"Where would be the fun in that?" Well, that's our Locke.

"Uh-oh."

TIMEFLASH!

Oh, that doesn't look good at all.

RedCharlotte's still hanging on. Prof.NotCharlesManson tells a story, but stories don't do much for coughing. Oops, RedCharlotte's moved on. All things considered, the chocolate wouldn't have hurt.

Locke down the well. Where's the light coming from? Hey, DeadShepard! Long time no see.

Well, I guess you can't send a Ben to do a Locke's job.

DeadShepard has a plan. It doesn't sound very easy. Hey, is she related to Stephen Hawking? That LostLocke would be so kewl, what with the crazy physics and all.

Locke gets some bad news. You should have known, as such is the fate of prophets.

Of course he can't help you, he's DeadShepard, as in Dead!

Locke saw the wheel, way down in the bottom of the well, Locke saw the wheel, way in the bottom of the well.

Hey, X-Files green light!

"Who's your son?"

TIMEFLASH!

Ben finally gets there, and there appears to be a church. Oh, it better be engraved inside. Ben tells a story. OtherHawking apparently is inside.

Sun is down with Ben's big return policy.

Hey, Brother! Nice hair. Heh? Whah? Faraday? Hawking? Oh, dang, you blinded me with science! Wow, that Jesus statue looks a bit like the one in Rio.

Fionnula! Time off from "Brotherhood"?

"All right. Let's get started."