'Lost': Marvin's memo

Fisherstevens_lost Being a Lost blogger isn't all fame and glory. Oh sure, you might sit there and think, "Man, I bet Ryan lives in a palatial mansion, lined with gold, with Jewel Staite and Eliza Dushku on-call 24/7 in case he wants to play ping pong and drink Fanta." And you'd be right, except Eliza's all about RC Cola. Also, everything above happens only in my head.

So it's not all fame, glory, and odious soft-drink fantasies. But occasionally, you get privy to some inside knowledge, the kind of stuff the mere plebians don't get to see. And I happen to get my hands on an exclusive Dharma Initiative memo. There's no date on the memo, but I've carbon-dated back to sometime between 345 A.D. and last Tuesday. So that narrows it down quite a bit, through analysis only us professional Lost bloggers can provide.

Here's a snippet of the memo:

To: Dharma Initiative Employees
From: Marvin Candle/Mark Wickmund/Dr. Edgar Halliwax/Steve Incensestix/The "Waxman"
Re: Proper Protocol and Procedures on the Islands

Greeting, fellow members. As you have no doubt surmised, you're on one funky island. I don't mean the type of funky that gets you into Marky Mark's crew, I'm talking downright weird stuff. The type of stuff you only thought you'd seen while tripping on some of Gerry Degroot's "bag of goodies" back at UMich.

With such unique properties permeating the work environment that our beloved benefactors have placed us upon, and since there's no way off this creepy place (believe me, I've tried...why do you think I keep changing my name?), we've put in a series of Dharma Initiative "do's" and "don'ts." Or, as we call them in the biz, Dho's and Dhon'ts. See what we did there? I know. Clever.

The memo goes onto list various Dho's ("Say 'Namaste' at the end of every conversation") and Dhon'ts ("Never stick your tongue against the sonic fence pylons"). But this memo got me thinking: what are the biggest Dhon'ts that our beloved Lostaways have committed? I mean, Lord knows there's no shortage of moments that make one wonder if the person involved didn't suffer severe head trauma during the crash. But upon closer inspection, I think I know the Five Biggest Dhon'ts in the history of Lost.

Minkowski goes for a ride in the Kahana's tender. Hey, you can't blame the guy for getting a little stir crazy aboard the freighter. So near as I can tell, there's not much for a communications officer to do when you're unable to communicate with anyone on a mysterious Island. But in taking a closer peek at the Island, his consciousness starting spinning back and forth in time, until finally his brain went all splooshy. It's like that old cliche: curiosity killed the Minkowski. (I think that's how that phrase goes.)

Jack follows Michael back to The Others even though he knows it's a trap. "Sure, they have had the tactical advantage all along, and we know we're walking into certain doom, but there's no way our invisible, all-knowing enemy will ever anticipate a counterattack." To paraphrase Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers: if Jack Shephard made a plan in which gravity played a crucial part, all the Lostaways would be float into space while Ben looked on, bemused.

Locke insists on not pushing the button. He sought freedom from the tyranny of the numbers, only to find out he was jonesin' for an implosion. Locke was rendered mute, Eko nearly died, the Island was exposed to Widmore's group, and Desmond lost his clothing. (Then again, more than a few of you more than welcomed the latter development, I'm sure.) Walt knew the hatch was bad; Locke should have listened.

The Oceanic 6 leave the Island.
Pretty self-explanatory: lonely, miserable, insane, alcoholic, estranged, guilty...but other than that, it's worked out pretty well for them.

Certain actors don't know when to hail a cab. Michelle Rodriguez. Cynthia Watros. Daniel Dae Kim. Daniel, I think you know how this story ends. (The Jin/Sun fan in me hopes not, but between the gravestone, the C4, and the historical precedent, I'm worried.)

OK, those are the five biggest Dhon'ts so far in Lost. Did I miss any? Leave your answers below! (Also, major props to my wife for coming up with "Dho's" and "Dhon'ts".)

Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude.