'Lost': No direction home

Haroldperrineau_lost_s4_240 A lot of people seemed concerned by the ever-growing power of Google over...well, everything. What was once a search engine now does everything except hand you shampoo in the morning, and I heard they're working on a beta for that. But I can't get too worked up about it, especially when its Maps feature yields such wildly entertaining alternative directions that those from Lost could have taken in lieu of going on Oceanic 815.

That's right: they simply could have walked down the street, kayaked roughly thirteen thousand kilometers, and boom, they would have been home, lickety split. Or, alternatively, they could have simply used a good ol' fashioned GPS system, like the one my parents-in-law got us for Christmas. I heart this device; I truly do. We used to print out directions from services like Mapquest, only to find one particular step so egregiously vague or incorrect that we'd inevitably call the people we were trying to visit, telling them we'd be there as soon as we crossed back through customs.

But there's one feature I simply hate about my GPS: the incredibly creepy monotone voice that tells me where to go. Sure, there are multiple presets, but they are all variations on "insanely droning." I don't want HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey guiding my journey. I want a celebrity with a cool voice...like Sean Connery! I'd pay a good month's salary to hear Sean coming out of my GPS. It would be worth it to hear something like, "In five hundred paces, turn southeast, young squire."  That would rule.

Then again, given my obsession with Lost, maybe I should just have characters from the show on my GPS. I mean, I might get sick of hearing Connery berate my inability to follow his directions; maybe I'd like different characters for different situations. That seems more my style, now that I think of it.

I mean, think about the following scenarios...

...after accidentally missing a turn...

Jack: We have to go back. WE HAVE TO GO BACK!

...when trying to calculate which route is better suited for my journey...

Kate: Well, there's the safe one. The solid one. Pretty dependable, looks like. The kind of road you dream about as a little girl. But there's this other road...a rugged one. Looks dangerous, but the rewards, oh, the rewards...

...when driving over a wintry road not normally serviced by plows...

Michael: SAAAAAAAAAAALT!

...when you've reached your destination...

Charlie: You're there, everybody!

...when you've changed roads...

Marvin Candle: Welcome, I'm Dr. Marvin Candle, and this is the set of directions for Route 66, or, "The Mother Road." In a moment you'll be given a simple set of instructions for how you and your passengers will fulfill the responsibilities associated with this particular stretch of road.

...when you're being followed...

Ben: You're gonna take this car and follow a compass bearing of 325 and if you do that exactly, you will find rescue.

...when you're going to fast...

Sawyer: Whoa, there, Speed Racer, how 'bout easing up on that gas pedal, now? No need to go all Steve McQueen on me.

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I mean, I think this could work, don't you? I'd certainly sign up for the service. What other types of voices and situations would you like on this Dharma GPS?

Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude.