'Love in the Wild' premiere: The Devil's threeway
The show has moved to the Dominican Republic, which gives the contestants a little more leeway in terms of scenery - notably, there are beaches and not just jungle. Let's get to it, shall we?
We meet the contestants and Tara immediately stands out as the girl we hope is going to get eaten by a shark - she's looking for Mr. Hottie with a Body, which is definitely high on that list of things that make a lasting relationship. Summer also is kind of a weirdo, talking about wanting a "manly-man" who will skin her an alligator to make a purse instead of buying her one. Um, ew. How about a real man who will not make or buy you things made of animal skin?
After the duos are made, seven more guys appear to make each duo a trio, which is a fun twist. Also, half of them are going home at the first Couples Choice ceremony. The trios end up Cina/Chase/Jason, Tara/Tim/Leo, Summer/Jesse/Quaison, Jenny/Ben/Franky, Ali/Jason/Darwin, Yanina/Ken/Mike and Shauna/Christian/Ryan. Christian is totally a dark-haired Dawson, right? What a goober-looking dude.
Also, Leo and Franky are totally "Jersey Shore." Ugh. Who even likes that?
The next twist is the further back you finish in the challenge, the worse your accommodations are. It goes Oasis, cabins, tents and then ... a lean-to. Heh. Arkansas Ali has never been camping, so this definitely seems like the right show for her. We bet she comes in last just because of that.
The trios have to first retrieve their packs from where a helicopter dropped them in the ocean and it's not an easy swim. In every trio, a guy takes the swimming challenge, except Summer. She swam in college and she totally rocks this portion of the challenge, so Summer definitely wins a few points back after her dumb alligator comment.
Hilariously, Mike (who is a lifeguard) lets Ken do the swimming so he can stay on the beach and get to know Yanina. That is sneaky and smart, love it. He does confess that to Yanina, who is good-natured about it (instead of thinking - "Wow, if we come in last place, I know who to blame, dummy.")
Tim immediately shows himself to be a real winner - he teases Leo, who is swimming, about getting beaten by a girl (uh, she'd be beating you too), then he yells that Leo will be rewarded with the "breast stroke" later (and dumb Tara just giggles) and then he talking-heads that he can't stay faithful in a relationship. Oh, please keep him around for a long time.
Arkansas Ali says she doesn't want to be last, so one of the guys better step it up. 'Cause in Arkansas, women aren't allowed to step up. Or something.
The second portion of the challenge is a pit with snakes in it and the girls have to go inside and retrieve the first conch shell. The girls are shrieking, but we can't really make fun - we are totally Indiana Jones about snakes and we can't say for sure they would even get us down in that pit, so bravo to all the girls.
Dumb Tara is bummed out the well is not a wet t-shirt contest and then she reveals herself to be one of Those Girls who uses the word "literally" all the time and rarely in its correct usage. That is such a pet peeve. No, Tara, you did not LITERALLY have a heart attack at the well (we only wish you did).
The next portion is the guys throwing coconuts at a clay mask to knock it down and get the next clue. The guy who is "most responsible" for making the map fall out has to kiss the girl for five seconds while the other guy videotapes it. Freaky deaky, show.
Shauna is really competitive and really intense and she's not really contributing enough to have that kind of attitude, so it's pretty remarkable neither of her teammates punch her in the face at any point.
The kissings are all pretty run of the mill, except for Yanina/Mike (who really do look like cousins kissing each other), Tim (who claims his kiss was the best five seconds of Tara's life, uh huh) and stupid Franky who can't figure out the camera, so Ben and Jenny get to smooch like six times.
The next phase involves taking a wooden boat to a dive site for a conch, but the boats fill up with water very easily and several teams just have to ditch the boats. Heh. Also, Summer has to step up for her team - she's kind of lamenting how she could have done this entire challenge herself, which, in her case, is probably true.
The last conch shell is at the top of a tall pole that involves Mowgli-ing up and retrieving it, then it's a race to the finish. Jesse/Summer/Q finish first, followed by Yanina/Mike/Ken, Leo/Tara/Tim, Cina/Chase/Jason (this is where the cabins end), Christian/Ryan/Shauna (tents), Jenny/Ben/Franky (tents) and Jason/Darwin/Ali (lean-to).
Ali whines about how neither guy impressed her and she could've done better. Um, we highly doubt that, Never Camped Girl.
The trios get their accommodations. The Oasis is amazing, the show really sprung for a nice place, with a personal chef and bartender. The winning trio start "popping bottles" and take a gander at the one bed. Surprisingly, the bomp-chicka-wow-wow music does not kick up.
Back at the cabins, Tara is unsurprisingly walking into her cabin saying "let's get this party started." You know a few tequila shots later she'd literally be down for a threesome. And whiny Shauna starts shrieking about a spider. Well, do better next time, lady who claims to be "competitive."
Arkansas Ali describes their lean-to as a "hell hole." Um, no. You're on a reality show, you're not in Afghanistan, brat. We're sure it's not the best, but stop being such a lame-o whiner. She starts saying she might quit and it's pretty shocking nobody deadpans, "Don't let the door hit ya."
Jason starts trying to make Ali feel better and it is at this point that my husband says that this show is so much better if you imagine everything Jason says to Ali is him trying to convince her to have a threesome. So I rewind it and Jason says, "This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that you really can have" and "Check the bucket list" and "At least you got the first cry out" and I laugh until I pee a little. That DOES make Ali more tolerable.
As a pseudo-"Born to Be Wild" theme kicks up, everyone starts swimming and mingling. Leo, of course, strips down to his underwear and has to be blurred out. We are with Tara when she Valley Girls, "Seriously, who does that?" Seriously. Did you NOT bring swim trunks?
Tim then talking-heads, "We had an overload of sausage. They're like gnats, flying around, just in my way." Like there are penises, just everywhere. Dive-bombing him while the "Tim-meister" tries to get his A-game on.
Back at the Oasis, Jesse gallantly gives Summer the bed, suggesting they let Summer have it to herself, and Q, being kind of rude, says he's going to sleep in the bed. It's not like Summer has an automatic dibs on the bed, but he didn't even talk it over with her.
And in the cabins, the same thing happens. Jason shacks up with Cina while Chase sleeps on the floor. It does not go unnoticed by Cina how considerate Chase is. In another cabin, Leo and Tim are like molesting Tara and she is hardly even putting up a fight.
At the Oasis, poor Jesse slept in the bathtub, which is kind of his own fault, but it still sucks. Their reward is going salsa dancing. Summer gets a pretty red dress, while the two guys are dressed like gigolos who are safe for jogging at night. Jesse is a better dancer and Summer tells him to kiss her, which is a pretty good indicator of what's happening here.
Back at camp, it's just a big day of mingling and trying to get a girl to like you, since at the first Couples Choice ceremony, they hold all the power. The day is fairly boring, but a few notable things happen - Shauna and Ryan bond over yoga, while Dawson tries to make a play for Tara. He describes her as someone he could be with if it meant staying in the game. High praise, indeed. He also tries to impress her with his factoids about dirt. Clearly a match made in heaven.
Ken makes his play for Yanina by talking about his volunteering with an animal shelter, which is aces as far as a play goes. Also, every once in awhile, Ken says something and he sounds just like Alan Alda - anybody else?
The Next Day (seriously, how many days are there 'til some of these goobers go home?)
Um, Leo has an honest-to-God tattoo that says "Ninja Cowboy." Sure, Jersey. Sure. We're also back in Ali Drama. Boo hooo, everything sucks, I'm so weak and whiny! She's in the bathroom and Chase reaches out to her, flirting and making her laugh. He's making much more headway than Jason was.
Meanwhile, Mike decides he can't put all his eggs in the Cina basket, so he takes Shauna off to cut and drink from coconuts. It goes really well, until he gets all creepy about kissing her. Dude, you were not getting the signal, so don't just go asking for it in some awkward way. Your "interior" motives are showing.
Couples Choice Ceremony
Each girl gets to pick between their two men, except Summer (as the winning team girl) can pick anyone she wants. All the unchosen guys go to the unmatched area. Summer kind of hilariously chooses to ditch both her men and choose Tim - oooh, good luck with that, lady. Also, Tara's face when Summer chooses him is awesome. She literally looks like she just swallowed a bug.
Yanina chooses Ken; Tara has to keep Leo (heh), who delusionally thinks Tara actually likes him; Cina picks Jason (that is surprising, Chase seems awesome); Shauna chooses Ryan, Jenny chooses Ben and Ali chooses Jason.
But now! The girls can swap the guy those chose for one of the unmatched guys. We really hope Jesse and Chase get swapped out, they seem great. Most of the girls stay with who they chose, but Tara swaps Leo for Jesse and Ali swaps Jason for Chase. Overall, we're pleased with the seven guys who are still in the competition (except for Tim, he's a d-bag).
Mike is surprised Shauna didn't pick him and he says, "Obviously, she didn't get to know me." Um, or maybe she DID and that's the problem, weird kisser dude. It's also a little harsh Jason put in all that work to make Ali the whiner feel better and she ditched him for Chase, but we like Chase better than Jason, so we aren't gonna cry about it.
Well, what did you think of the premiere of "Love in the Wild"?