'More to Love': Lauren is the Dave of this show

Lauren_moretolove_290 Last week on "More to Love," we learned that this show might be really uncomfortable to watch. Let's see if that keeps up tonight.

Between the voiceover that goes, "Last week on 'More to Love'" and the cheesy graphics, does it remind anybody else of "Invitation to Love," the fake soap opera on "Twin Peaks?" Just me?

Hey, they stopped putting the heights/weights on the screen. Good job, show! Tonight there are two group dates and instead of assigning the women, they are letting them pick, like in junior high P.E. Anna and Malissa are team captains.

Anna picks Arianne, Amanda, Magali, Melissa, Tali, and Lauren. Malissa picks Mandy, Heather, Danielle, Kristian, Bonnie, and Vanessa. Melissa cries in a talking-head about always getting picked last and blahblahblah kidsaremeancakes. Spare me. We all had hard childhoods, not just the fat girls. Christina doesn't get picked because nobody really likes her so far, which means she gets the solo date with Luke. HAHA. I don't like Christina either, but that's effing perfect.

Malissa's Team is up first. They get all dressed up and hit a limo. I'm getting really sick of the smarmy talking-heads from Luke about how he's open to the women, he won't judge them, he knows about the struggles they've faced in their lives. I mean, I know it's NOT the same for heavier men as it is for heavier women, but he's being so condescending! Has he looked in the mirror? He's not exactly Brad Pitt, ya know? Let's not act like you're throwing some charity to these women.

The limo takes them to a yacht called "Dream Maker." Barf. Speaking of barf (seriously, I typed that without even knowning what was coming), Heather has some champagne and immediately starts vomiting. Not cute little girl barfs either. Like technicolor yawn barfs. Luke tries to reassure her but she's obviously embarrassed and feels crappy. That sucks.

Malissa is pretty pleased that one girl is out of the way for the evening. Heh heh. She takes her alone time and she lays it on thick, then kisses him some more. Well, at least he didn't sleaze the smoochies out of you this time.

They have dinner and everybody is happy they can just go for it in front of him. Wow, way to make it look like skinny girls don't eat and fat girls always pig out. Malissa keeps up her schtick that she's Team Captain and is welcoming all the girls to her and Luke's yacht. Yeah, that's pretty gross.

Kristian takes umbrage with her because apparently Malissa gained her weight after high school, so she didn't grow up as a heavy girl. I guess she's a faux-fat girl then? She doesn't have the adolescent angst? There are many rules, I guess. I will say, Malissa has more confidence than a lot of these girls, so maybe that's how it goes when you were once skinny and get fat later, instead of being fat the whole time.

Kristian starts rattling off all the problems she endured by growing up fat. I'm totally with her in "can't find a dress that fits" and "shopping at a plus-sized women's store when you're 15," but then she says, "not being able to go on a trip with your girlfriends because you don't fit in an airline seat and the seatbelt won't lock." That makes me snicker a little. It also makes me go, "Well maybe your mom should've had you on a treadmill when you were 10 years old and weighed 160 lbs." I mean, it's not about vanity, it's about health, and if you were that big in high school there was something wrong.

Heather moans and cries on a bench.

Kristian has her alone time and Luke calls her "special" and "sweet." She says Luke makes her feel like a queen. She also just comes blurting out with how much she likes Luke and how the other girls tease her about it. I don't know that I'd be revealing the desperation so early. Also, he kisses her on the CHEEK. I don't think the attraction is there with Munchkin Kristian. Luke obviously has no problem kissing the girls, but she got a cheek kiss.

Luke comes to wake up Heather and she seems better now. She loves that he's bigger than her and that she's never dated a guy bigger than her. I totally hear that, girlfriend. I only dated guys shorter than me for a long time and while that's fine, some days you want a guy who's bigger than you. It's like CJ Cregg says, a guy like that makes you feel more feminine.

As the date ends, Kristian has a talking-head where she says, "I was the fattest girl in school and I enver had a boyfriend. I thought I was going to be alone forever... then I met Luke." Oh dear god. She's going to boil his bunny when she gets eliminated. Also, Luke is not like the ONE guy in the whole big wide world who likes bigger women. There's a whole culture of them, they're called (I don't like this, but it's what they're called) "Chubby Chasers." I mean, have you not heard of the adult entertainment niche of BBW? Some guys like the meatier girls. Luke is not special.

Christina's Solo Date
Many of the girls are really jealous that Christina gets the one-on-one date, especially Melissa. She cries some more. Jeezus, stop with the tears! Christina leaves to some catty exchanges that are shrugged off as being friendly fire, but you can tell there is some real animosity underneath.

She is looking extremely pretty in a... dress. Is it sheath? Bubble? I don't effiing know. My fashion sense is jeans and a t-shirt like 90% of the time. Regardless... she looks pretty. Luke talking-heads that her body is "so bangin.'" I don't like that word.

He takes her to a private jet and Christina talking-heads, "Because I am a bigger girl, I've never had a date like this." You should start a drinking game for this show. Every time someone says, "Because I am a bigger girl," you should do a shot. You'd be trashed by the half-hour mark.

Back at the Bachelorette Pad, Kristian will not shut up about Luke and how he's, like, the second coming of Christ or something. She keeps saying "smitten." Oh my god, you're not SMITTEN! You've known him two days and you've only had two one-on-one conversations. You have a crush because he's moderately good looking and he's paying attention to you! I mean, maybe that's the same as smitten but I don't think so. Elsewhere, Bonnie and Lauren take their time slamming on Christina. Because cattiness is weight-blind, people.

On the solo date, Luke has taken Christina to Las Vegas for a big fancy dinner. Nice. They, of course, talk about how she hasn't dated good guys and one cheated on her and blahblahblah fatgirlshaveithardcakes. Seriously, does this have to come up so much? We get it. We're watching the show. We know the theme. They go up to a suite and they make-out. There's some definite tongue. Goodness.

Anna's Team Date
Their date card says to put on their swimsuits. The girls are not excited about it and I wouldn't be either. I mean, who wants to go on a first date in your swimsuit? Nobody, not just the big girls. That's just mean, show. MEAN.

They get to the pool everybody gets a drink and Anna tries to reassure the girls who are less confident. I really like Anna. Really really. She's totally comfortable with herself (all 6'2 of her, wow) and she seems super-nice. Luke jumps in the pool and everybody starts to loosen up, so that's cool.

Bachelorette Pad. Kristian wants to sneak over and see Luke's bachelor pad and leave him a note. I'm totally with Bonnie, "Please leave him a creepy 'I was in your house' note." Seriously, what is this girls deal? "I will not be IGNORED, Luke!" Mandy goes along to leave a note too. Hers says, "Dear Luke -- It's the little things... can you guess who your admirer is? XO." Kristian's note says, "Luke, I had so much fun with you. Hope to see you soon! [heart] Kristian." Man, I was hoping Kristian's would be creepier.

Group Date. Lauren is rubbing all the girls the wrong way because she's more aggressive than they are. On the one hand, back off Lauren. But on the other hand, it's a competition. Melissa gets alone time first and she's clearly nervous and shy and (to his credit, which I am loathe to say) Luke is great with her.

Lauren gets her alone time and she says they are so much alike and he looks at her like he wants to eat her with a spoon. So they immediately start making out. Arianne sees and comments that Lauren just seems really young. Well, Arianne, you are 11+ years older than most of these girls.

Cocktail Party
. Bonnie takes her alone time and says that she may look tough on the outside but on the inside she's a 1950s housewife. That explains how catty you've been about the other girls I guess. Kristian takes her alone time and drops, "Love at first sight." Oh, sweetie. Oh Jesus lord. Luke is trying so hard not to shove her in the pool and run for his life. Please eliminate her tonight, I can't take this anymore.

Heather takes her alone time and is reassured that she didn't ruin the date with her barfing and moaning. Luke was really impressed with the way she handled herself, which is a nice thing to say. They then make out. Man, the chunky peeps are sucking face way faster than the Bachelor peeps.

Lauren takes alone time and asks Luke if he wants dirt on anybody. Oh my god, she is just too much. Luke rightly calls her on not wanting him ask so much as she just wants to spill. She says that Arianne doesn't want kids and is old enough to be his mom. Vanessa is also called out for being old. Wow, Lauren is a bitch. She says older women aren't as fun because they're past the time when they want to go bungee jumping or go swimming all the time. Wait, what? Older women don't like to swim. Lauren is full of crap. She tells Luke anytime he needs the scoop to come ask her. He pecks her on the cheek and runs for it. Nobody likes a gossip, Lauren.

Before the ring ceremony, Christina says, "Because I am a bigger girl..." DRINK! Melissa gives another talking-head during the ceremony where she cries. AGAIN. God lady.

Ring Ceremony
Luke gives rings to Mandy, Anna, Amanda, Malissa, Christina, Bonnie, Heather, Lauren (GROSS. She's the Dave of "More to Love"), Danielle, Tali, Melissa, and (first Kristian has to CRY AGAIN in a talking-head) Kristian. Dammit. He doesn't like you as more than friends, he feels bad crushing your little heart.

Going home are Arianne, Vanessa and Magali. Interesting that the two Lauren called out as old are going home. So far I like Anna, I hate Lauren and the rest are pretty middle-of-the-road. Bonnie can knock off her catty comments and Kristian needs to rein in the crazy, but for the most part the girls seem fine.

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