'New Girl' recap: Coach returns and Taye Diggs romances Jess

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Once upon a time on "New Girl," there was a fitness trainer roommate named Coach. Unfortunately, the actor who played Coach, Damon Wayans Jr., got himself cast in a lead role on "Happy Endings." He disappeared, replaced semi-seamlessly by Winston.

Now, "Happy Endings" is off the air (sigh), and Coach is back in town!

But will his return mean everything that his former roommates have dreamed of for two years? Not so much. The guy doesn't even remember Jess. What does come with "Coach"? Find out in this recap.

Coach and his boys

To say that the boys of "New Girl" are excited to see Coach is an understatement. You have to wonder why though -- Coach seems to be kind of a jerk. He is dismissive of Nick's relationship, calls Winston "Shrimp Hands" for no discernible reason and completely disregards the existence of Jess.

Also, Coach wants to go out to a strip club on a Tuesday night. There's no way that can end well.

At least there is the fact that Coach has recently broken up with his girlfriend of two years, Malia. Deep down inside that party-guy exterior is a sad, depressed man grasping for some kind of superficial meaning on a night out with his bros.

Is it any wonder that the actually heartbroken Coach ends his night sobbing in the semi-darkness of the strip club?

Ladies' night

Sent away by Coach, who wanted nothing to do with girlfriends, Jess spends her night at the bar with Cece. It's a very anti-man night for quite awhile. Jess is freaking out a bit because it's just become apparent that she and Nick never got around to clarifying their dating status.

Are they even exclusive? Would it be cheating for Jess to flirt with an extremely hot coffee-shop owner named Artie ( Taye Diggs)?

Cece may not be the right sounding board for this. The woman is -- justifiably -- rather anti-man these days. She does, however, call up Jess' perfect barista, inviting him out for a drink.

You can tell just how anti-man Cece really is when Artie arrives and is more than a little swoon-worthy. Even though Jess is taken -- and doesn't want to do much beyond hold Artie's perfect hand -- Cece doesn't jump in.

Maybe she should have. As it is, the "rubber baby buggy bumpers" fellow gets the wrong signals.

Bunny money and cops and "Indiana Jones"

The strip club is a bust is so very many ways. Schmidt and Nick get wasted in an attempt to get Coach drunk enough that he'll go home. Winston withdraws $2000 in "bunny money" that is only redeemable at the bar or in Florida.

Then it gets worse when Coach decides that the only reasonable course of action is to go fight the man who stole his girl. That man is a cop.

Drunk fighting and drunk running -- none of it done well -- follow. In the process we learn that Schmidt has zero understanding of the "Indiana Jones" movies but does have a solid grasp on bored cops in affluent police stations.

What's the Brazilian Portuguese word for a threesome?

Everyone reunites at home, drunker but not wiser.

This is a wee bit of a problem for Jess and Nick, owing to the fact that hot Artie has positioned himself naked in Jess' bed. To his credit, Nick stays impressively calm throughout all of this. He even manages to win a fight by popping a light punch Artie's way. Apparently the gorgeous man has a glass jaw?

Whatever the case, Jess and Nick call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, happily leaving an unconscious Artie in the elevator.

In the end, everyone is happier, more accepting and getting full on bunny money-purchased food from the strip club.

Funny things they say

"When Coach has the dice, every roll's a 7." - Nick

"You stole my toothpaste while I was using it." - Jess to Schmidt

"Who are you?" - Coach to Jess

"The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail. I shouldn't have to tell him that." - Jess, explaining that her boyfriend is immature

"It has, like, a lot of 4s in it ... You know what I mean?" - Jess, admiring a hot guy's phone number
"No, I don't." - Cece

"I call it a Temple Grandin, because it makes me friendly and compassionate." - Jess' favorite cocktail

"I shook his hand. I had my fun!" - Jess

"I'm not ripping a page from that pro-Nazi movie! - Schmidt on "Indiana Jones"

"There's a lot of spreadsheets and jetting off to Brazil at a moment's notice. - Artie, on the life of a coffee-shop owner

"Your bar for having it together is set pretty low." - Artie to Jess

"I don't want to be here. I want to be in love." - Coach

"These dudes saw me cry ..." - Coach

"Girls are replaceable. Jobs are forever!" - Schmidt

"You are drinking on a Tuesday, and you are a teacher!" - Cece
"They're watching a movie on Wednesday ..." - Jess

"This is a high income area. They're very bored in there." - Schmidt on cops

"Oh, men are such dicks." - Cece

"Hop along, Bunny Money!" - Coach to Winston

"The Brazilians have the same word for making love to one woman as for making love to two." - Artie

"Do you have any questions?" - Jess
"Do you want me to have questions?" - Nick

Photo/Video credit: FOX