'New Girl' recap: Dates, Schmidt-sitting and bologna sandwiches in 'Longest Night Ever'

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"New Girl" may have had the "Longest Night Ever," but the hardships of the characters make a half hour go by quickly for the audience. From Coach dating Cece to Ferguson the cat finding love for Winston to Jess committing assault with a vehicle, this episode was indeed a long, strange trip.

Find out why in this recap.

Coach and Cece? High five!

Because it is the single most awkward thing he could possibly do, Coach has asked Cece out on a date. Schmidt is fine with this. At least, that's what Schmidt says about 8 million times. Unfortunately, as we learn from Nick, being fine is Schmidt-code for "I'm about to commit ritual suicide from the horror."

But when Coach is around, it's all high fives. He is convinced that everything is fine and that he is, in fact, the prize. The date with Cece is a go!

Not that this date goes well or anything. It does not. There are only so many pretzels and souvenirs a girl wants, after all.

Eventually, Cece gets fed up with the whole thing and tries to leave. Only an admission of honesty from Coach salvages even a little of the night for Cece and Booboo.

They should have gotten a dog cage.

Jess and Nick are on Schmidt duty on this night. That's only until Winston's cat escapes, however. After that, it's all Jess, desperately trying to distract Schmidt with Neil Diamond, tap-dancing and yearbook photos.

It doesn't work. Schmidt just ends up loving his soft, brown couch.

So they try going to the bar. That doesn't work so well either -- Schmidt ditches a random hot girl (who might be a time-traveler!) and escapes into the night. Soon (no thanks to Siri), Schmidt has chocolates and is on his way.

The only thing that can stop him from doing this horrible thing? Jess has to hit him with her car. So she does. Twice.

After that, there's nothing to do but wait out the incredibly long goodnight kiss between Coach and Cece.

Or maybe a cat cage?

Winston has finally left the loft and gone to a party, but tragedy awaits him back home. After Nick left open a window, Ferguson the cat escaped into the night to party with pigeons or eat raccoon eyeballs or whatever the cool cats are doing these days.

This upsets Winston greatly. It upsets Nick a bit that Winston is so upset, because this has definitely entered the realm of unhealthy.

We see just how unhealthy things can get when a woman finds Winston's cat. She's kind of the stereotype of a cat lady, except she doesn't own a cat. She has a hamster. So we'll call her Hamster Lady. Over bologna sandwiches and over-sharing, the two animal lovers forge an odd connection.

A healthy dose of stomach medicine and love is in the air!

Funny things from one disturbing night

  • "That's so great for Cece. Coach is super-hot!" - Jess to Schmidt
  • "Who knows, we might get another Tiger Woods out of this." - Schmidt on Coach and Cece dating
  • "That first class a** is sitting in coach tonight, and my seat is going to be in an upright position." - Coach
  • "We'll have date night when we're married ... Dupedopedoo ... Merry!" - Jess to Nick
  • "It's been so long that I think I forgot how to talk to women." - Winston
  • "This leather is so smooth and brown ... It's just like Cece." - Schmidt, about the couch
  • "What do friends do when their other friends are taking showers with a cat?" - Nick
  • "Coach had a good year today." - Coach
  • "I can't mingle with this trash. I have climbed the mountain!" - Schmidt in a bar
  • "She's on a flip-phone, Jess. That means she's either poor or a time traveler." - Schmidt
  • "I found him under the steps eating a dead raccoon's eyeball. Your cat's a psycho." - Hamster Lady
  • "Do you have anything that says 'Sorry for cheating on you -- please don't sleep with my friend'?" - Schmidt
  • "Why do you need inspirational quotes from your mom just to talk to me?" - Cece to Coach
  • "I only meant to hit you once!" - Jess

Photo/Video credit: FOX