Oscars 2014: Jennifer Lawrence's BFF Laura Simpson writes hilarious tell-all essay about her night

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Jennifer Lawrence is the best friend everyone wants (and pretends) to have, so can you imagine what it would be like tagging along as her date to the Oscars?

Now you don't have to imagine, because her date to the 86th Academy Awards was her actual, real-life BFF Laura Simpson, and she wrote a hilarious tell-all essay about her star-studded, surreal night at the ceremony and after-parties. Originally published on MySpace, Simpson's essay spans the entire day of prep, all the way to when she arrived home at 3:30 a.m.

Lawrence and Simpson met exactly how you'd expect them to: bonding over pizza. "How did I get invited to the 86th Academy Awards, you ask? Well, my best friend took me as her date," Simpson writes. "I met her seven years ago at an event where we both didn't know a single person. We hit it off over a mutual respect for Chandler Bing, and we've been eating pizza together ever since."

Simspon's essay included some eye-opening facts about the Oscars that viewing the event on TV never reveals, like the hordes of protesters picketing the red carpet out of sight of the cameras. 

"Completely lining the sidewalks of Highland are the Jesus freaks. I am not talking a few -- I am talking every inch of the sidewalk is full of God-fearing picket signs and psalms," Simpson writes. "Right before you get to the red carpet, you get to Westboro Baptists with huge yellow signs of pictures of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Walker saying 'BURNING IN HELL' and other despicable things. It's so surreal and hate-filled, I feel like I am heading to my own personal Salem Witch Trial. One thing is for sure: They think we're all going to hell."

But it wasn't all bad: Simpson got to rub shoulders and use the bathroom next to stars of all shapes and sizes. "Jessica Biel holds the door open for me and compliments my dress -- no human being should be allowed to have her face and body," Simpson writes about her trip to the restroom. "I get inside and Margot Robbie from 'Wolf of Wall Street' shows me her Kardashian-sized diamond ring in line for the toilet and says 'I feel like a guy with a gun should be following me -- I could be halfway to Mexico with this by now.'"

When watching the ceremony from inside the room became too boring/hot, Simpson and Lawrence headed to the green room to finish watching and eat pizza. "This is where the presenters and winners are hanging out and it's pretty jarring. Some guy picks up my purse that had fallen off my seat and I say 'Thank you... Channing Tatum,'" Simpson writes. 

She continues, "And my dress gets caught on Jennifer Garner and we awkwardly laugh and someone tries to separate us. The lovely pregnant Kerry Washington asks me if she could have the Slim Jim in my purse. Glenn Close shows us her Oscar secret, which is a handmade corset and a dress long enough to hide her comfortable shoes. I kind of just sit there and smile creepily when someone catches me staring -- shout out to Penelope Cruz."

One memorable moment for Simspon was meeting Brad Pitt. "Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I've ever smelled," Simpson writes. "Eventually we ask what cologne he's wearing and he tells us, 'I don't wear cologne, it's just my musk I guess.' I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind."

At the after parties, Simpson grew tired of being pushed out of the way by people trying to get to Lawrence. "I decide to follow Bill Murray around the party," Simpson writes. "At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to 'If You Want My Body and You Think I'm Sexy' by Rod Stewart -- a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to."

It's easy to see why she and Lawrence are BFF's. Check out her full essay here.

Photo/Video credit: Getty Images