'Paradise Hotel 2': Back with a vengeance

Krista_paradisehotel2_240 Paradise Hotel 2 illustrates the problem with getting a bunch of drunken narcissists together and putting on a reality show: Everyone on screen is convinced it is All About Me. I'm the star, the chosen one, the rightful heir! So everyone is hurt! Betrayed! Appalled! Disgusted! That their "best friends" done them wrong. I don't quite understand how people got the impression they were going to feel-good summer camp as opposed to a cut-throat reality show. Shut up!

You've spoiled me for the last time!

Oh look, another twist! The guests learn that they have to nominate one person to choose which couple should be out of the race. They can't choose themselves or their roommates. After the votes are cast, Amanda announces it' a three-way tie between Stephanie, Ryan and TD. Since TD and Ryan are roommates, Amanda announces that they'll get to make the call.

After lots of agonizing and protestations of undying friendship and talk of strategery and the like, Ryan and TD choose to kick out Krista and Mike. The eliminated couple is shocked, shocked! that this could happen to them. We thought we were BFFs! It turns out they were just (gasp!) playing the game! How DARE they decide to kick us out because they thought we would win if we stayed! The FIENDS!

But the twists don't stop there! Mike and Krista aren't leaving yet. Instead, they'll be joining five other recent ejectees on the jury that will, in theory, barring another (inevitable) twist, decide who wins the Ultimate-but-still-unspecified prize. Lauren, James, Aaron, Chris and Myrna return, and all hell breaks loose.

See, everyone has a grudge, and everyone drinks enough to make discussing said grudges at the top of their lungs seem like a good idea. Here's the breakdown:

  • Mike thinks Ryan sucks for kicking him and Krista out. You never should have gone against your friends! Whatever, Mike. Shut up.
  • James thinks TD sucks for not choosing him over Ryan. IF I'd known you would basely betray me, I'd have gone to Stephanie! He asks Steph if she would have chosen him, and Steph allows that there's maybe an iota of a possibility that in some alternate universe, she would have chosen James over Zack. James interprets this as "Oh, James! I adore you! Of course I would have chosen you!" James is an idiot. Shut up, James.
  • TD takes offense that Stephanie didn't completely shut James down -- because yeah, that's a good strategy there, alienating a voter. You lying bitch! You are dead to me! She sorrowfully talks over Stephanie, telling her to talk to her, and continues talking when Stephanie tries to get a word in edgewise. Stephanie starts yelling, which TD takes offense at -- you don't need to raise your voice to me! Just talk to me like a normal human being! Yeah, right. TD: Shut up.
  • Myrna tells  Lauren that James did the happy dance when she left, and Lauren confronts James. James confronts Myrna, and they have a screaming fight over who is more immature and full of post-consumer food product. James? Myrna? Shut up.
  • Zack takes Stephanie to task for not being an idiot. Actually, he seems to be appalled that Stephanie may have said she may have chosen James. Stephanie tells him to get a grip, as she's just trying to get votes. Duh. Zack needs to shut up.
  • Not content with stirring up trouble with his roomie, Zack starts poking at Myrna. Myrna bitches that he told her he was going to pretend not to like her to protect himself. Zack denies this. Dear Zack: It's all on tape, dimwit. That leads to more sniping between Myrna and Zack. Both of them need to shut up.
  • Aaron, who has apparently consumed his weight in alcohol, decides to play white knight to Myrna for no reason that anyone with more than two working brain cells could fathom. Don't you talk to a lady like that! He bellows. I have no idea when he became part of this conversation. Chris comes out of the pool to tell him to calm the hell down, and Aaron takes offense, and SHUT. UP.

So, to sum up: Everyone on this show is an idiot. Next week, the jury grills the final couples, more verbal barbs are cast, someone wins the ultimate prize, and I finally get my ultimate prize: Freedom from this wretched show. Bliss!