'Pretty Little Liars' recap: Boot Glamp & The Cereal Killa

pretty-little-liars.jpg Q: Is it possible for this show to be too scary?
A: No, but honest to John what a good try.

It's College Fair day at Rosewood High, so everybody's doing what you think they would be: Spencer's off digging through Ian's **** with Toby, Aria is juggling her various pedophile boyfriends, Hanna takes Mona on a Glampire Gleekend WASPapalooza, and Emily... Sits around practicing swimming using her imagination, all alone, until getting a message from A in her literal breakfast on the subject of how she's the weak link. Note that none of them go to the College Fair, because obviously none of them are going to live that long.

Emily, Still 100% Losing It: While she's getting the scary breakfast messages, Ashley Marin sweetly gives Emily a massage gift certificate, and Therapy Anne invites her to share her rapidly decomposing grip, but both of those things go terribly wrong. (No update on Anne's footwear at this time.) The massage is administered by A -- truly the creepiest thing ever, even on this All-Time Creepiness Champion of a show -- which in turn scares her away from the desperately needed therapy session. Five showers later the Liars circle up, but it's still hella grody on every level. Hanna, Still Recapitulating The Parent Trap: A trip to the city for a bridesmaid fitting becomes a ride through nightmare once she and Mona run into her stepsister-to-be (an oddly shaded amount of face under orange eyebrows which seem to have their own terrifying agenda). For reasons the show doesn't even care to explain, they all end up going horseriding and Hanna and Mona end up horseless in the forest and resort to cannibalism, and then randomly Hanna's venting gets broadcast to the stepsister, who calls Hanna that night and explicitly threatens that she's going to break Hanna's will like a bronc-buster until she is just skin and desperation.

(Also very scary, but maybe the best thing about being Hanna is that she either forgets this conversation immediately, or just doesn't give a single **** because what's one more stalker at this point: come at me bitch i already got run over 3x today lol)

Aria, Speaking Of Eyebrows: For the first time in the entire show's history somebody asks somebody a direct question. Jason is approached about how come he has scary pictures of her sleeping ("Or drugged!" as Spencer helpfully suggests), and he hands her this mess about how they were undeveloped pictures taken by the ever-creepy Alison, which he found in a box that he gives Aria, along with framed pictures of herself sleeping (or drugged); the box does not contain any clues at this time, but wait. Oh, and there's a super cute scene where she and Spencer declare their love for each other while Emily goes quietly insane upstairs.