'Rock of Love': I want action

Bretmichaels_rockoflove_240 I awoke this fine Sunday morning with a feeling of unease. I quickly realized that my life had been devoid of trashy moments. This brought me great sadness until I realized that Sundays are now the trashiest day of the week, thanks to Rock of Love! Sorry Jesus!

The previouslys begin and it just a parade of drunken muttering, shrieking, and the house breaking into two groups - bad girls and good girls. I prefer the original descriptives of "slutty girls" and "bitchy girls", even though I am unable to tell which group is which.  Lastly, we see Lacey decide she will start gunning from Dallas, because Dallas poked fun at PETA. By which logic, Lacey should also try to get Bret kicked off the show, but whatever.

The girls find out that Bret loves motocross and he wants the girls to enjoy it too, so they are going off to a track to race in the dirt. They are given a quick how-to, and I already know this day will end in tears. I think motorcycle courses are several days long for a reason. The girls are unconcerned, however, and run to get into the protective gear. Well, most of them get into it. Magdalena has so much trouble getting the helmet on over her head that all the girls start making fun of her.  She admits that she laughed so hard she peed herself. Delightful.

Bret picks Magdalena, Erin and Heather as captains, and lets them pick the other girls for their teams in a relay race. While Dallas has shown great promise in speed, she lacks any control whatsoever, and she ends up to be one of the last girls picked. This is foreshadowing at its most obvious.

But first, Lacey has to set up the denouement. Which she does by laying the bike down within 5 seconds of the race starting and then trying to kick start the bike while it's still in gear. Heather eventually runs out onto the track to help her, but the team is firmly in last place. The team scrambles to make up the lost time, and it falls to Dallas. She takes off at top speed, hits the first bump and goes air born, flying off the bike.

This show just became brilliant. Proving she's a trooper, Dallas gets up laughing, and picks up the bike. Sadly, she doesn't get very far as she guns the engine  with both feet planted firmly on the ground, causing the bike to jump out in front of her and hit the dirt again. She seems to have a good time, but he pink team wins. This means Rodeo, Magdalena, Samantha and Brandi M. are going on dates with Bret.

Rockoflovegroup_240 The girls pile into a Hummer limo, and that's what we call nouveau riche. Once inside they all break into the alcohol and it doesn't take long for Lacey and Dallas to get into a huge fight about the rights of animals. At least, that's what I think it's about.  Once back at the Rock of Love house, the girls go to their separate corners and prepare for battle. This means that Lacey puts on a PETA shirt and Dallas puts on "all the dead animals in this house" and meet each other in the bar.

All the girls gets a good laugh about it and then tire of it pretty quickly. Except for Lacey, who is apparently psychotic. She will not let it go, and follows Dallas around the house relentlessly, pulling on her clothes, literally poking at her sides and whining to her about killing animals. She corners Dallas several times and is told to back off several times, but she has the look of pure crazy about her and she does not stop. Dallas tries pushing her away and still Lacey will not give up. The other girls in the house increasingly keep their distance, until Lacey traps Dallas on the stairs, locking her arms around her and holding onto the railing.

Until Rodeo steps in to save the day! She puts on her best commanding voice, and proving her muscles are for more than show, yanks Lacey off the railing, pins her to the floor and locks her arms behind her, allowing Dallas to escape. This is where Lacey's true crazy becomes apparent. She doesn't get mad at Rodeo, proclaim her innocence or protest her being "manhandled" by the closest thing to a man in the room. She smiles, and repeats "What? I'm not riled up. Who's getting riled? I'm just smiling." I'd keep my distance from her if I were in that house.

It's time for the first date, and Bret says he's planned something special for Samantha and Magdalena. He takes them out to the pool and there's a makeshift movie screen at one end. He plays them home movies of himself, I kid you not. Sam immediately talks about how much she loves music and Magdalena counters by telling Bret she's not a fan. Smoooooth.

They go upstairs and there's alcohol and strawberries and Bret makes out with Magdalena, which makes Sam uncomfortable. Bret tries to talk Sam into making out with him next and says "It's just a kiss". Sam confessionals "JUST A KISS? Does he have any idea how important that little thing is to me?" and I think it's safe to say that he doesn't. But apparently, she stops caring and makes out with him, and then talks about how much she wants to have an orgasm but there's too many people around. Bret's brain can't get past the word "orgasm" and the date ends awkwardly.

The next day Bret picks up Brandi M. and Rodeo for their date. Rodeo tells him how out of control Lacey got the night before and Bret confessionals that she's the type of girl who will either make passionate love to him or kill him in his sleep.  He's more observant than he seems!  The girls get custom designed bathing suits and then go to lunch. The highlight of this is Brandi M. managing to snort and burp at the same time. Rodeo confessionals that "I have a lot of class, and you just do not do that" and then discuses her favorite sexual position over the fruit plate.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lacey is heading a cabal of the slutty girls into making a wall of shame.They draw cartoonish pictures of the girls they dislike and come up with names for all of them and pin them to their wall and laugh. It's like eighth grade all over again.

Bret and the girls come back and he tries to take a few extra moments to connect to a few girls.  He pulls Sam aside and tells her he had a great time with her the night before. She asks him to look at her when he talks to her and he says "I was! I was looking at your legs!" That's not what she meant, Bret. He also ends up in the middle of the Dallas and Lacey battle, and he actually rolls his eyes more than I do - which is impressive.

In the end, he decides to eliminate Kristia and Dallas. Kristia handles it well, hugging him good bye and wishing him luck while Brandi C. forces a few tears out. Dallas, on the other hand, stalks away from the set, refusing to even give him a second glance. He camera talks when someone doesn't have enough class to say good bye that's pretty classless. What?

I cannot imagine what could happen next week, but I have gotten my trashy needs fulfilled for the next several days!