'Saturday Night Live': Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin's uncomfortable drug test, and more
There were no additions to the "SNL" cast this year, and all of last season's cast members stuck around -- we'll let you guys decide whether that's a good thing.
Note to readers: Adam Sandler didn't actually appear on this episode of "Saturday Night Live." Those ads for "Jack and Jill," the movie where he plays a man and the man's sister? Those were real. That's a real movie that someone greenlighted. It will be in theaters in November. Seriously. The ads for "Whitney"? Also real. Sorry, America.
Opener: The only thing SNL does better than Stefon: Making fun of republicans. The GOP Debate skit was hosted by Bill Hader in his always spot-on impression of Fox Report's Shepard Smith. "I'm Shepard Smith, and I come from a town full of secrets." Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) Governor Rick Perry (Baldwin), and six other "people who will never be president" were featured. Our favorite part was Kristen Wiig's Michele Bachmann describing her first encounter with her husband. "We were both at a party and I saw him across the room, acting out all the parts from the musical 'Grease.'... In closing, fences, Jesus, papilloma, eyeballs." The skit ended with Rick Perry putting himself to sleep.
Monologue: Baldwin stepped out in a dapper suit and one of those old-people-trying-to-be-cool over-gelled hairstyles, and he explained to the audience that he wasn't going to make a big deal about beating Steve Martin's record. "It's not a competition, because if it was, I won." Besides, they're friends! "When I hosted the Oscars, he was a big help," Baldwin says. Then, Martin showed up, interrupting Baldwin's Schweddy Balls joke. "I was just passing by the studio in full makeup," he said, and whipped out a pee cup to make sure Baldwin was hosting "without the use of steroids or performance enhancing drugs." He even enlisted a medical team, and an expert on drug use: Seth Rogen, of course. In the end, he just drank the pee. As was to be expected.
Fake ad for "Red flag" perfume: This was actually funny, listing off a few warning signs when it comes to women one might meet in a bar -- like her saying she's a "dancer," mentioning that her ex was a club promoter, or having an extra long pinkie fingernail.
"Red Flag perfume by Chanel. The only perfume that warns men: I'm f***ing crazy."
Wrap party for All My Children: Vanessa Bayer's not going to win any awards for her impression of Susan Lucci. All we could see was Miley Cyrus. The gag here was that the party was full of drama magnets. Many had amnesia. Some were in comas. One had an evil twin. Everyone had AIDS. Even the fan operator -- you know, the guy who makes hair blow in the wind -- wasn't immune. "I operate the fans... or was I pushed?"
WDHX Newscast: The least funny thing ever. Basically, a spider was crawling on a remote newscaster, but because of the tape delay, the anchors on the desk couldn't tell her. We know. You're just weeping with laughter.
Radiohead's first performance was "Lotus Flower," the lead single from their album " The King of Limbs."
Weekend update highlights:
On Obama defending his new tax plan by saying, 'This is not class warfare, it's math': "Which is unfortunate, because America is way better at warfare than math."
On Bill Gates topping the Forbes annual list of 400 richest Americans: "Man, it really is amazing how much money you can save when you cut your own hair."
On Patti Stanger saying NYC women are wound tight and need to loosen up: "Oh, sure. But when I say it, I'm harrassing the dancers."
On a crew member being fired from "Charlie's Angels" after smacking Minka Kelly's rear: "In his defense, she had just done a really good job."
Who's On Top:. A game show, hosted by Bill Hader, in which contestants guess which celebrity would be on top if they had gay sex. Wisely, contestant Jason Sudeikis leaves, because we're then forced to imagine Billy Joel in bed with Bruce Springsteen ("The easy answer would be that Bruce is on top, because he's the Boss.") Roberto Benini with Gerard Depardieu ("Bennini's a squirmer, so he would be hard to hold down.") and Timon with Pumba ("There is no top. They trade positions equally. It's the circle of life."). We may have been a tiny bit amused when Baldwin ranked the men of "Entourage" from bottom to top. (For the record: Turtle, E, Drama, Ari, Vinnie's on top while Scott Caan watches.)
Fake ad: A "Top Gun" 25th anniversary DVD, including never before seen screen tests from Tony Danza, Al Pacino, Crispin Glover, Sinbad, Prince, and our favorite, Harvey Fierstein. "This is not a gay film? But it says in the script we play volleyball in jean shorts."
Child psychologist: Listen... when you have to resort to dumping tapioca pudding on Vanessa Bayer's head, a skit is beyond saving.
Radiohead's second performance was "Staircase."
Turner Classic Movies: "Angels in the Trenches" 1956. Baldwin as a Captain who's dying, delivering his final words to a fellow soldier. "Can you deliver a message for me?" he asks. "Tell my wife I love her, and tell my son there's no Santa Claus, and explain to him how sex works. One last thing... tell my son that a cripple isn't a full human being. It is my final wish! Promise me! And tell my wife's sister I love her more than my wife. Make sure they both know. I'm so cold... so very cold. Tell my son that you killed me. Please. I think it will give him some closure."
The whole thing was actually pretty funny until it denigrated into "your mother" jokes.