State of the Union

Tvpartyw127The housing market is in the dumps. Gas prices are through the roof. The war in Iraq is like a bottomless cup of coffee. And yet, you can bet your bottom dollar that come Monday night in his nationally televised State of the Union address, President Bush will make it sound as if you and I just won the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes. So call your neighbors, grab a Cabo Wabo, and let'€™s party like we'€™re illegal aliens getting free health care!

Setting the scene:
The Capitol is one of those fairly stodgy places where -- even though it is filled with a minimum of two parties every day -- the fun has been left on the floor at some backwater polling place. But you'll still need to replicate Washington, D.C., the best you can, and the first thing you'€™ll need is a podium with a presidential seal. Behind that should be an American flag and raised chairs to be filled by two old white guys wearing navy blazers (put one in a wig to simulate Nancy Pelosi). Add dramatic lighting so that even when the podium is not in use by the George Bush impersonator, it still looks cool. Have bullet points on a large poster board to be checked off whenever the president mentions them (the war, the environment, New Orleans, energy, etc.), and do a shot of tequila after each. (It'€™s the only way to get through it all.) Party favors should include patriotic rubber duckies, because you'€™ll all want to wash off in the tub after all is said and done.

Attire:
Anything that says, €œ"I'€™m electable"€ (think red, white and blue). Or something from the White House intern collection that says, "€œstain-resistant."€

On the menu:
Government cheese fondue, pork, corn, fruit, Texas toast. From the bar: a Lewinsky (Southern Comfort, Bailey'€™s Irish Cream, peppermint schnapps), a congressional-aide (Bailey'€™s and lemonade).

On the hi-fi:
Hail to the Chief by the United States Marine Band; This Land Is Your Land by Woody Guthrie; Imagine by John Lennon; Takin'€™ My Country Back by the Honky Tonkers for Truth; Magna Carta; anything by the Dead Presidents.

The showstopper:
Consider having a presidential candidate attend your party and talk about the issues. While Kip Smithy is trailing substantially in all of the polls, he might be available. His platform consists mainly of expanding the death penalty to include spammers, globalism, and the abolition of speed limits and parking meters.