'The Bachelor': A man, a plan, a canal - Panama!

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bachelor-island-girls.jpg "Bachelor" Ben and the ladies take off for Panama City - there is no word as to the last time Courtney was there, but I'm keeping my ear to the ground for you, dear readers. We find out there's a two-on-one this week, which is excellent. I hope it's Courtney and Emily. Please be Courtney and Emily.

Kacie B's Date

Kacie B. gets another solo date before some of the girls have had one, yikes. Blakeley tackles her in mock anger, and while you know Blakeley is frustrated, it comes across as all in fun, not mean. Courtney, meanwhile, deludes herself by saying that Ben is weeding out the ones he's unsure of. Uh, no. She's the Cinderella to your Evil Stepmother. The Aurora to your Maleficent. The Ariel to your Gross Lady in the Sea with Tentacles and a Scary Mouth.

Helicopter. Shocking, I know.

Island. Unfortunately, no one gets eaten by a polar bear or a smoke monster. You know, I'm bummed that Emily is the next bachelorette for several reasons, but one of the biggies is that if Kacie doesn't win, I wanted it to be her.

The three things Kacie packs for their "survival" on the island is a stuffed monkey man, a corkscrew (with a small knife) and a bag of candy. I'm sold! I will be stranded on a desert island with you, Kacie!

Ben brings a machete, matches and a fishing net. Uh, wrong show, dude. Try CBS. Kacie then says, "Watching Ben crack into a coconut ... it's so hot." OK, you're on the wrong show too, lady.

We get more metaphor talk, comparing their relationship to the teamwork of being stranded on a deserted island. And then they catch a fish (via the SEAL production assistant, of course).

OK, I kid a lot, but this is a great date. Kinda cheap-o of the show, but I bet it's a ton of fun.

At dinner (which they did not catch and cook themselves, which is kind of a bummer), they "dive in deep" to each other (ew, not like that. Metaphorically). Kacie astutely says she likes to "be doing stuff all the time." As opposed to those people who like to just sit around and watch paint dry. I mean, it's not like her examples are "skydiving" and "bull fighting." They're "going to the grocery store" and "working out." By her standards, I do nothing but stuff. Stuff. All the time, I do.

Kacie starts talking about how old she feels sometimes because of all she has gone through, including an eating disorder in high school. Not to make light of that at all, but I must compliment her strategery. This was a good time to whip out that story - not too early (first solo date), but really showing Ben that she can be mature and open after he already likes her a lot. Very well done, Kacie. Of course she gets the rose.


Group Date

Back at the Bachelorette Wickiup, Emily observes that the card is either for a group date or a two-on-one. Yes, those are the two choices. It is the Group Date and it is for Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney and Jamie, which leaves Rachel and Blakeley on the two-on-one.

In keeping with the we-have-no-money outdoor date theme, Ben is excited to take the girls on a jungle river adventure (hopefully an anaconda and Courtney can find an unsuspecting deer and face off in a competition of things that can unhinge their jaws and swallow you whole).

Instead, they are hanging out with extras hired to put on "native garb" and hang out in huts leftover from the "Survivor: Panama" set. The women are given these halter-style boob-flap things and of course Courtney decides to go au naturel underneath, which the editors feel the need to blur or black-box out. C'mon - for those mosquito bites? I'm so sure.

The other girls are thrilled about her free-ballin' it (both upstairs and down). Ben comes out in a loin cloth and the girls act like they are excited and not like he looks like a total goober (which he does).

The "chief" and his tribesmen and women give them tattoos with body paint and Courtney paints "B + C = <3" on Ben's back. Which is about the level of maturity she is at, so that makes sense. She also calls it "marking her territory" and frankly, I'm mad she didn't just pee on his leg. He'd probably think it was so "outdoorsy" and "nature-y" of her.

Emily rightly calls it out as making her flashback to 7th grade lunchroom. Yeah. Back at the Bachelorette Wickiup, Courtney totally has that tattoo on her Lisa Frank trapper keeper.

I don't know how it's possible that someone so horrible can also be so milquetoast and devoid of a personality, but Courtney pulls it off.

At the party, Courtney tells Ben which room she's in at the hotel, telling him to stop by that night, and he's practically drooling on her. Ughhh, he has fallen so far in my esteem this season. Meanwhile, Jamie is worried she hasn't been aggressive enough and asks the other girls if Ben is a good kisser. Emily (who we've already seen is practically a rocket scientist) says, "Yeah. Plus, he's cute." Uh, what does that have to do with anything? I've kissed plenty of cuties who were rotten, rotten kissers.

As Jamie talks to Ben about being guarded, Courtney lurks in the background and then talking-heads about how the girls are making it so easy for her because they are "immature and slow-moving and not very sexual."

Or. Or how about this . Or it's just that you are a woman who has traded on her looks her entire life and you derive all your self-esteem from that and, by extension, your sexual encounters. Which is also why you've never developed a personality and are a borderline sociopath. It could also be that. But I'm just spit-balling over here.

Whereas Jamie is a sweet girl who has adopted her younger siblings and perhaps has not jumped Ben's bones because she's more like a mom, or at least a role model with responsibility. But Ben is apparently only thinking with Lil' Ben this season, because he can't even pay attention to Jamie while Courtney parades around in her white bikini.

I swear to god, if I was Jamie? I would leave right then. How effing rude. Jamie tries to make excuses, but girl, please - Courtney is no Brad Pitt. And you know it. Stop being so nice.

Emily steps up to the plate again and confesses to Ben about her "other man" - the Kansas City Chiefs. It's actually pretty funny, maybe she has redeemed herself from those trainwreck other one-on-ones. And even when Ben leads her to the subject of Courtney, Emily doesn't rise to the bait. Good girl.

But then - Emily decides she's misjudged Courtney and publicly apologizes to her. Huh. Courtney makes her sucked-on-a-lemon face and doesn't accept the apology. Because she doesn't know what to do when someone behaves like an adult. Courtney just has to be horrible because she can't relate to people, especially women.

Lindzi gets the rose. I have no idea why, maybe Ben has reached his Courtney Rose limit and production won't let him give one to her anymore on group dates. Courtney's mad, of course, because she "went out of [her] way to make him feel special and give him attention." Um, he's the only guy on a date with six women. That's what everybody did.

But Courtney still wants a reward and is expecting Ben to come to her room that night. It's way too much to hope she gets dolled up for nothing, right? Nope! No Ben. Alone in her room, Courtney cries about a pattern of men who start taking her for granted. (What, exactly, is there about Courtney to "take for granted"?)


Two-on-One

Hilariously, when they get the date card and realize it's Rachel and Blakeley, they have very different reactions. Rachel is scared, but Blakeley is almost maniacally excited. I guess she's just so starved for Ben's attention and so confident in herself that she's super pumped? If I were Rachel, I'd be scared too. "The more I shine, the less she does," says Blakeley. That makes me think of Rachel and Blakeley facing off like when Harry and Voldemort's wands joined together and Harry had to push the ball of light towards Voldemort's wand. It's weird that that's the image I conjured, right?

The date card reads "two girls, one rose" and ... these jokes just write themselves, but I'm scared to even mention it because y'all will Google it and then you won't read my stuff anymore. We'll just leave it at that.

They go salsa dancing and Blakeley is definitely a better dancer than Rachel. Rachel tries to cut in and it's the most awkward thing ever. You had your turn, lady. Don't look desperate. She THEN goes on to trash Blakeley for being sexual (uh, it's Latin dancing) and says, "I think she really uses her sexuality with Ben a lot and I don't understand why. I don't know if she thinks that's something Ben wants...." 

Uh, yeah. What would give anyone the idea that Ben only cares about the really sexual girls? The fact that he has practically crowned Courtney the winner and says things like "I don't know if I see our relationship moving fast enough" to girls like Jamie? Could that be it?

They go to dinner, though Blakeley seems to have forgotten her pants. Rachel takes her one-on-one time and she seems to spend the entire time kissing him, so I'm glad she spent the previous 15 minutes going on and on about Blakeley exploiting her sexuality. How's that glass house feel, Rachel?

Blakeley takes her alone time and cries about how she's starting to feel something real for Ben. You know, I wasn't sure about Blakeley at first, but between that kids' play and the softball episode last week really changed my mind. I hope she stays. Rachel and her bangs can pound sand.

Blakeley then gives Ben the book where she's been writing down things she likes about him or things she sees for them. Oh my god, y'all! If she doesn't get the rose, Ben is clearly heartless.

And then - Rachel gets the rose! OH. MY. GOD. Blakeley just gets up and walks away. I would too, dude. Eff that, jerk. It's fine that you don't want to drag her through when you aren't feeling it, but this was a champion moment to do it. Seriously, dude.

Rachel and her bangs are then super snotty about getting the rose. Blech.


The Casey Kerfuffle

The next morning, Chris Harrison shows up to talk to Casey privately. And it turns out that three people have brought to his attention that Casey is in love with someone else - Michael, her ex-boyfriend back home. Michael says they're still together and that they were practically living together before she left for the show.

She kind of hems and haws around it, but eventually admits she's still in love with Michael. Harrison says they should talk to Ben about it. She tells Ben she's not totally over this guy and Ben says he's kind of sensed something like that. She starts crying, blahblahblah, Ben looks mad, blahblahblah, Ben kicks her out.

Casey cries and cries. *sigh* I just can't get worked up over this. By the previews, I thought Harrison was coming to tell her something like her brother died or something. You know? Some actually horrible news (not that I wanted that, but this is not exactly end-of-the-world stuff happening here).

Harrison tells the girls the news and relays what Ben said to Casey - be open to finding love. If you aren't open to it, hit the bricks (I may be paraphrasing).

More Casey tears. Um, get a grip, lady. We had barely seen you as of like two weeks ago.


Cocktail Party

Is he still sending someone home after those two girls have left already? That's a lot of chaff to cut down this week. Meanwhile, Jamie feels the crunch because she hasn't given in to being sexual with Ben. Hey, you should talk to Rachel about that, Jamie.

Jamie talks about how she's "prude." Not a prude, or prud ish. Just "prude." "I'm prude, dude. I'm prude." *headsmack* But anyway, she decides to go whole hog and climb on top of Ben's lap and start making out with him. Well, sort of. They can't seem to get it right. Because Jamie Prude is the most awkward person ever.

This is actually kind of adorable, but it also makes me want to scream at her, "You are too good for this show, RUN. RUN AWAY AND TAKE KACIE WITH YOU!"

Y'all, seriously. This is so painful to watch, I can't even stand this. Just get to the Rose Ceremony - OH. Then she goes, "I tried to be open and vulnerable and just let him have me." Oh, sweetie. Oh my god.


Rose Ceremony

Who is going home? Good god. Probably Jamie, after that embarrassing display. But maybe Nicki (they may actually be the same person). So roses go to Lindzi, Kacie and Rachel, then Nicki, Courtney and ... Emily. Yeah, sorry Jamie. Go find yourself a lovely prudish man and be adorable together. You're too wholesome for this show.


Next week: Belize! Can you belize Courtney's never been there? Also - the girls tell Ben some stuff about Courtney. Please let it work. Please.

Outtakes: Emily raps again. Oh, lordy. Nothing says romance like "fungal diseases." Well, actually, for this show.....
Photo/Video credit: ABC