'The Bachelor': Ali and Roberto help Brad, Melissa and Raichel are ridiculous

brad-womack-vampire-bachelor.jpgTonight on "The Bachelor," the drama queens take a hike and everyone's favorite couple Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez come back!

We kick things off with Chris Harrison explaining everything to the girls. He advises them to use time with Brad wisely. Is that his euphemistic way of telling them to put out? The first date card he gives them is for Ashley H., who is the other Ashley, as in not Ashley with the Dead Dad. Ashley WTDD looks sad the date card was not for her.

Melissa the Waitress informs us she's been thinking about doing "The Bachelor" for eight years, she bought a bunch of gowns and dresses for the show and she quit her job. Umm ... yikes. Are you at all familiar with this show?!

Ashley H. Date
They drive off into the woods and Brad stops the car, they walk and then ... he kills her and buries the body. No, Brad stops the car and they walk to a private carnival. So, it's almost as scary as if he'd killed her and buried her body.

They cavort around the carnival, it's kinda boring for the rest of us. I hope there are creepy carnies running the rides because ... who else would run them? They start smooching as the plunky-plinky strains of booty kick up.

They get dinner and Ashley talks about wanting to stand on her own two feet in case something happens because you have to be prepared, which stems from her father not really being around much.

This makes Brad draw parallels to his own life and he gets choked up talking about his dad splitting too and possible addiction problems. It's sad and stuff, but it also seems a little forced. Ashely asks him if he came on the show to redeem himself and he says no, which is good because that's the "Survivor" theme this year. No twinsies.

Ashley gets the rose, which is nice. She seems pretty cool, but her way of talking just a touch Valley Girl is annoying. If she keeps that in check, she's a winner.

Group Date
It's for Keltie, Chantal, Madison, Melissa, Marissa, Raichel, Britt, Meghan, Emily, Stacey, Alli, Kimberly, Shawntel, Michelle and Lisa. The high number of girls on that date does not escape the bachelorettes. This should be fun.

The group date involves the girls making PSAs for donating blood for the American Red Cross. Apparently these could be used in a national campaign. Hmmm. I don't like their chances because these girls are mostly going to be dressed like porn star versions of their caricatures -- except poor Keltie, who is a butch truck driver with two broken arms, and Melissa, who looks like a real housewife of Jersey.

Michelle's Birthday

Did you get that it's Michelle's 30th birthday? Not her 29th. Not her 31st. Her 30th birthday. Frankly, I'm offended they didn't throw her a parade or get her the key to the city. She says at one point she felt "like just another number." Yep. 30.

Back to the Group Date

The first scene is a Spanish telenovela and we're disappointed nobody does a hand stand to grab the other girl with her thighs. There is a lot of kissing, though, and Melissa the Ex-Waitress pulls a nutty and storms into the scene.

The most uncomfortable scene is with Britt, Brad and Chantal and it's threesome city. Britt is really nervous so she just throws herself into it. For several minutes. Chantal joins in the fun and it's kind of awesome.

But Michelle the Drama Queen storms off in a huff because (did you hear?) it's her friggin' birthday and she's not feeling special enough. Grosssssss. Not a Michelle fan. CHantal's got her number when she says Michelle is used to things being all about her. For real -- how does she have a kid and that kid doesn't just starve?

After the shoot, they hit a private party. Melissa has to apologize for her crazypants jumping into the scene. He does not seem into her at all and she kind of reminds me of a dinosaur in the face, so I don't like her chances. 

Michelle, in her giant turquoise necklace you can probably see from space, takes her alone time and analyzes Brad, like she's all deep and smart, but I don't buy it.

Meanwhile, Dinosaur Melissa is getting into it with Raichel and it's unclear what they are disagreeing over. Let's hope they have a "Dynasty"-level catfight that sends them both into the pool.

Brad gives out the rose to Michelle. Ughhhh. The girl who had a tantrum and stormed off because she wasn't getting enough attention? Yeah, she's clearly wife material. Also, she was billed as being incredibly beautiful, but I find her to be a bit of a butterface.

Jackie's Date
They go to a Beverly Hills hotel and receive a couples facial and then she gets a room full of dresses to pick from and full hair and makeup. Ooh, that's a neat date and I'm not even that girlie.

After she gets gussied up, they get a private concert by Train at the Hollywood Bowl. In the course of dinner, Jackie reveals she's only had basically two serious boyfriends her whole life. Well, Brad, before my current husband-to-be, I'd only had three serious relationships. It's not that weird.

Brad gives her the rose and they dance. Even if I had little to no interest in Brad, that would probably still seem like the best date ever.  

Back at the Manse
Emily is having a hard time being away from her daughter Ricky. In case you didn't hear last week, Emily was engaged to racecar driver Ricky Hendrick (of the famous Hendrick Motorsports).

Cocktail Party
Michelle grabs Brad before the group toast is even done. And she's got a rose, so backoff crazy lady. She fist-bumps him over Starbucks (vs. the Coffee Bean). Seriously, she is too much. 

Emily gets her alone time and Brad says she makes him "lose words" when he talks to her. I could see that, she's just that kind of super-pretty that makes you go stupid or feel intimidated. The fact that she's super-sweet to boot means I'd probably want to hate her, but I'd really like her.

Meanwhile, Raichel and Dinosaur Melissa are at it again. Eventually Raichel cries about it (more alcohol!) and Melissa stalks around on her toothpick legs (give them more alcohol!) and it's all very silly.

Dinosaur goes crying to Vampire Madison, while Ashley WTDD tells the story to Shawntel. This is like junior high with alcohol, higher heels and fake boobs (good lord, I hope there are no fake boobs in junior high, but who knows nowadays?).

Dinosaur takes more alone time with Brad and says Raichel is draining the positive energy out of her and she's "constantly attacked." Oh goodness. Brad wants to "get to the bottom of this" by talking to Raichel, but she just says Melissa is bugging her, it's dumb. Sorry, but it is.

Christervention
Harrison interrupts with Ali and Roberto (yay! Ali and Roberto, squee!) to help Brad make some decisions. Ali and Roberto get to speak with the girls one-on-one and Melissa says she needs to "get them on [her] side." Ugh, you're 32 years old? You need to get them on your "side"?

Brad ends up giving the Cocktail Party Rose to Emily. Yeah, that sounds about right. Melissa's parting shot is that if she goes home and Raichel stays, it would be "a tragic shame." Huh.

Rose Ceremony
Jackie, Michelle, Ashley H. and Emily have roses. The other ones go to Chantal, Sarah, Alli, Kimberly, Shawntel, Stacey, Ashley WTDD, Madison, Lisa, Marissa, Meghan, Lindsay and Britt.

That means Raichel, Melissa and Keltie. Awww, Keltie! Don't cry! You had to be the weird butch truck driver, that really stinks for you. She's convinced she's going to be alone because no type of dating works out for her. Aww.     

Thoughts & Tidbits
  • It's too bad we didn't see more of Kimberly. She is a striking girl and seems really nice. I hope to see more of her next week.
  • Bye bye, drama girls. Let this be a lesson to you, Raichel and Melissa.
  • Next week, Michelle boils someone's bunny. So that's fun.

Photo/Video credit: ABC