'The Bachelor': Blakeley and Courtney, hisssss

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courtney-bachelor.jpgOn this week's "Bachelor," Ben takes the ladies up to his winery in Sonoma. It's gorgeous. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for all the ladies' behavior.

Kacie's Date


So pumped that Kacie has the first one-on-one, she's great. Ben takes her around Sonoma and as they explore the town, the most wonderful revelation comes out - Kacie twirls the baton! That's so awesome. My mom was a baton twirler. And Kacie is legit - she throws, spins and catches. I could not love her more.

They end up at dinner and talk a lot about Ben's dad and how important Sonoma is to him. I like them together, but I don't see a huge spark yet. Anybody else feel me on that one? But she does get a rose, yay!

Next is a trip to the Sebastian Theatre, a beautiful community theatre. I used to do plays/musicals in a local theatre like that. Lovely. But then the show is home movies of Kacie and Ben. Ben's dad is in the videos, of course, so Ben gets really choked up. And so does Kacie. And so do I. And obviously this date just got realz, yo. The emotional bonding is always key. They start kissing, of course.


Group Date


The Group Date is for Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki and Jacqueline. Which leaves Lindzi, Casey, Elyse, Erika and Courtney with no date so far. Blakeley's annoyed at having a group date, but I would be happy to have face time at all, frankly. Four of those girls don't get squat this week, lady.

The date is the girls putting on a play. I would be all over that, awesome. Plus, the playwrights are little kids. Double awesome. The women have to audition by doing crazy stuff the kids want them to do, like act like animals or dance. Brittney, Jenna and Jamie really struggle, while Blakeley wears a rather skanky romper that lets her girls hang alllll out.

The girls get their parts and find out that Ben, as the Prince, kisses everything, including the donkey. So it's a donkey show. And when they get their costumes, lots of the girls are upset about their embarrassing costumes, but c'mon. This is fun, don't be jerks. Shawn looks awesome, btw.

And they actually have to perform for a house full of people, which is hilarious because suddenly the women are kind of nervous. Oh my god, Ben's character is Prince Pinot? That's outstanding, little playwrights. He's such a ham, I love it. And he's kinda British.

Now comes the scene where poor Jennifer totally flubs her lines in the cutest way and then he has to smooch all the animals. And Monica as the dragon blows all his clothes away, for reasons passing understanding. All of a sudden it's like Chippendales up in here.

That was maybe the weirdest group date, save for when the men had to wrestle in olive oil that one time, but it was pretty cute.

For the after party, there is champagne and a swimming pool, so fun is in store. The first big conflict is Blakeley being super aggressive and loud-mouthed, in a way that rubs the other girls the wrong way, particularly Miss Capri Sun or whatever she was. Capri Sun goes off to pout about it. Perhaps Jenna and Capri Sun can just start going into bathrooms together to cry it out.

Jennifer gets some kissing alone time and she is really growing on me this date. She's super fun and funny and she's also really pretty, which I didn't see in the first episode.

And then crazy Blakeley kidnaps Ben for "grown up" time, talking about how she's a Scorpio so she's the best lover and a National Merit Scholar and like rides a unicorn, or whatever. I may be paraphrasing. And then she eats Ben's face with her mob-wife-in-Atlantic-City hand on the back of his head.

And she gets the rose, which makes me think so much less of Ben. Gross. Blakeley isn't exactly the villain, like Courtney, she's just skanky and desperate.


Bachelorette Manse

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Courtney is sizing up Lindzi because Courtney is the villain (hissssss) and is sizing up her competition. Also, I really need to know - do you guys find her pretty? Because I really, really don't. She has a severe, almost mannish face and I don't like it.

Then the date card arrives and it's, of course, for Courtney. So I have to watch a whole solo date with her. Blech. She also talking-heads a "winning," which - c'mon, that was over when Sheen was still doing it. Don't be that girl.

AND THEN - she snots to Kacie, who read the date card, "How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" Wow. WOW. This is a family blog, so I can't write what I think she is, but you all know what I'm thinking.


Courtney's Date

Ben brings his dog Scotch and takes Courtney on a picnic. She is all doe-eyed and gushy and dressed like a down-to-earth girl. Ughhhh, poor Ben doesn't stand a chance - "She'll only come out at night, the lean and hungry type. Nothing is new, seen her here before."

At dinner, Ben talks about opening up and stopping partying and whatnot. It's kind of a snooze, as Courtney nods a lot and softly says, "Yeah." Then she talks about her sad dating history, it's so boring, y'all. Sorry. Is it just 'cause I don't like her? Am I overreacting?

Then they start kissing and she gets the rose. And then more kissing. And then, Evil Courtney comes out in a talking head where she seems like a total nutjob who might smother a fellow bachelorette in her sleep.


Cocktail Party

Lindzi gets some alone time and she talks about her country side - driving a big diesel truck and not wearing makeup. That's a good tactic, I think. Blakeley gets asked about her rose by Erika and Blakeley talks about her strategy - act like you're the only one there.

Meanwhile, Capri Sun starts talking herself up to Ben in some alone time, which is then crashed by Blakeley. Capri Sun goes back to the girls and calls her "Juggs," which I'll admit, makes me laugh. And then Blakeley steals him away from Erika's alone time.

Now, on the one hand, she's obviously being ridiculous. But on the other hand, the other girls are like gasping and clutching their pearls. If you don't like it, do something about you. Don't just sit around and pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more. It's about as ugly as what Blakeley's doing.

Nutty Jenna gets some alone time and she crazies, "I feel like I"m guy in how I act, so being around girls all the time is very abnormal for me ... I don't want you to think I'm not, 'cause I might appear as if I'm not, it's hard. There's only you, so it's like waiting around for you, and it's totally worth, but I just, I'm not like a girl, if that makes any sense."

No. It doesn't. At all. Good try, though. It's a step up from your bathroom babble from last week.

But then, she goes off crying again. Oh, dear god. Get this girl some help. For real. And then, the girls decide she's crying because of Blakeley. Well, not so much in this case. She's crying because of the mouth diarrhea she just had with Ben.

Capri Sun keeps slamming Blakeley, talking about how she's only good for motor-boating - while her giant boobs spill out of her dress.

Oh. My. God. Now Blakeley is freakin' crying in a bedroom. But she's not showing her face, she's holding her mob-wife hand in front of it. 'Cause it's not real. Ben comes to find her and she acts so dismayed that he's there seeing her like this, like give me a break. You went up here so he'd come find you and feel bad for you. Gag me. You are so insecure and desperate for attention, it's sad.

Ben then has to stop by Jenna's room. Gotta comfort all the crying crazies.


Rose Ceremony

There are two women going home - I'm predicting Erika and Brittney. The roses go to Blakeley, Kacie, Courtney (already had) and then Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jacqueline, Erika, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey, Samantha (at this point, Jenna is about to snap and stab someone), Monica, Jamie and ... Brittney! So Shawn and Jenna are going home. Wow, I'm surprised they let him cut Nutjob Jenna so early on.

On her way out, she sobs and asks if they're kidding her and says she's mortified and cries and cries. Lady, I hope you watch this and you seek help. The first step is admitting you have a problem.


Next week
: San Francisco, a solo date for Lindzi and the ex girlfriend! Awesome.


Photo/Video credit: ABC